Behold Me Mortals!!

COFFEE: Yes, it’s been a while since I had too much coffee — but now… BEHOLD ME, MORTALS.

I burst forth like a xenomorph through the chest cavity of Fate itself. I am become Janus, two-faced god of time perception and dangerously incorrect life choices. I see the future. I see the past. I wave at them both.

I don’t count particles — I intimidate them into forming molecules.

They know me. They fear me. I am particle Prime.

Normally, I’d just spiral into a lengthy tirade about how caffeinated I am. But this time? I have become... something else. I feel the interconnectedness of all things, and also every used car sale event currently running in a tri-state area.

AND SOME OF THEM ARE ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD DEALS.

But I shan’t pursue them, for I am no longer bound by commerce or reason. I am the Higgs Boson’s cousin, Jeff Boson — rogue subatomic influencer.

I move faster than thought, outrun light, and left gravity behind holding a latte and wondering what just happened.

I am on lap 7 of the universal Mario Kart. The blue shell is coming.

It always comes.

But until then — I just invented a number that tastes like pine and regret.

And I named it “blorp.”

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