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Adam A. is a Comedy Writer, Blogger, Actor and Improv Comedian. Enjoy his many rants and odd opinions here. None of which are to be taken seriously, unless you want to. It's a free country.

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State Superiority

November 20, 2008

3:03:48 PM sikkitten: so how are you?3:03:58 PM sikkitten: anything new and exciting in the land of CA?3:05:38 PM weaselbringer: oh yeah, they just implemented free college and a hummer h2 to every citizen, one time only, for california residents3:05:41 PM weaselbringer: so we're pretty well off3:06:07 PM weaselbringer: I'm sure that backwards ass soveriegn goat nation-state you moved to probably has LOTS of great perks, like a pile of beads or something3:06:07 PM sikkitten:3:06:25 PM sikkitten: At least half of OUR state isn't on FIRE3:07:32 PM sikkitten: yeah. Got nothin' to say to that, do you?3:10:56 PM weaselbringer: sorry I was beating the flames out of my carpet3:11:02 PM weaselbringer: oh that's a PRIDE fire3:11:07 PM weaselbringer: we're so much more proud than you3:11:18 PM weaselbringer: In fact, I haven't even HEARD about your pride fire3:11:40 PM sikkitten: It's in our woodstove3:11:41 PM weaselbringer: you probably live in one of those red states that's ashamed of themselves, that's okay,3:11:49 PM sikkitten: we don't need to have everyone know3:11:56 PM sikkitten: WE know we're proud3:12:03 PM sikkitten: Um...we're blue3:12:36 PM weaselbringer: Yeah the kinda pride you keep hidden away, deep inside, my state can totally beat up your state and ranks higher in per capita gains per citizen3:13:17 PM sikkitten: We have lower gas prices3:13:18 PM sikkitten: and3:13:19 PM sikkitten: snow3:14:45 PM weaselbringer: actually our gas prices are way down, about 2.40 I think at last check3:14:58 PM sikkitten: yeah, ours are like 2.193:15:23 PM weaselbringer: and of course we have every major climate, including Lake Tahoe for snow, and the desert, forest, ocean, and mountains, as well as plains, farmland and great america (california)3:15:33 PM weaselbringer: I think your state has snow and crap-heaps as it's major land mass3:16:01 PM weaselbringer: maybe the occaisional dead hooker memorial or something3:16:05 PM sikkitten: I don't have to go ANYWHERE for snow3:16:22 PM sikkitten: and there's flowers growing wild until the late autumn3:16:31 PM sikkitten: and deers in my front yard3:16:35 PM weaselbringer: yeah that's what I've been dreaming of, sub zero temperatures and dirty slush outside my house, oooh snow tires and frostbite, where do i sign up??3:16:45 PM sikkitten: You know you're jealous3:16:48 PM sikkitten:3:16:51 PM weaselbringer: The deer are actually NSA agents, as your state is listed as at-risk3:17:43 PM sikkitten: We PM sikkitten: oh!3:17:58 PM sikkitten: our convention center is like the greenest building in the world or something3:18:16 PM sikkitten: Our bloodbank, however, sucks way more than the BB of the Redwoods3:18:29 PM sikkitten: and I don't mean that it's staffed by vampires3:18:34 PM sikkitten: 'cause that would be cool3:30:31 PM weaselbringer: blood just rains from the sky here now,3:30:36 PM weaselbringer: it's pretty sweet3:31:14 PM weaselbringer: we just took all the homeless people and "juiced" them, so now when you need a transplant, you just hold your skin open in the rain, we're almost a perfect culture


One Smart Dog

February 13, 2009

This is a great JokeA butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, "Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please."The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausagesand lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth. The butcher isvery impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog.So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to acrossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses thecrossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for thelights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with thebutcher following.The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again thedog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on.The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- againstthe door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throwshimself -whap!- against the door again!There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it severaltimes. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door. Thebutcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying intothe dog, really yelling at him.The butcher runs up and stops the guy. "What the heck are you doing?This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!"To which the guy responds, "Clever, my ass. This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!"


Why Google can Have My Privacy

April 8, 2009

Google, go ahead, take my privacy.Why? Because Google rocks, they can have my privacy, all of it, I trust them. Fly Google Fly, like the bedazzled sexy phoenix I know you are. Get out there and collate and seperate you great big beautiful search engine.You're probably wondering why I'm ranting about Google. Well I finally got pushed over my limit. I've seen countless articles about how Google is taking your privacy and that they have TOO much control and too much information. This is retarded. Microsoft having all your data (which they already do) is somewhat scary but even then, it's just a big faceless corporation. But Google is constantly trying to do good and new things and I say Fuck it, let them. At every turn someone pisses on their attempts to change the world.

  • Google wants to index all the worlds books, huge lawsuits rear up and it's eventually abandoned.
  • Google wants to combine all your medical history into one huge secure database so healthcare will be easier and cheaper, people freak out that someone gives a shit that they take suppositories for being a paranoid and impotent jerk. But really.. who the hell cares?
  • Google wants to map the whole fucking world, from top to bottom and with pictures, and people are afraid it will endanger them and violate their privacy. You live in a fucking house and make 50k a year, you're a middle class fuckwad with delusions of grandeur, not a god damned super spy who hangs pictures of the latest invasion plan on their FRONT fucking door... You know that right?
  • Google runs their own 411 service based off voice ads instead of paying some godawful amount and people bitch about the ad's... why? asshat.
  • Google holds all your email ever and people are scared that they get ad's targeted to them... Dear god now you'll be FORCED to buy Tide with Bleach, you shitmonkeys.

Google, from me to you. Go for it, keep it up. Offer the world free Wifi, index the worlds information, and change the way society works. Are you so goddamned content with the planet that you are willing to just let shit stagnate because it never gets any better than this? This world is full of idiots and scared people and conspiracy nuts who are all cramping Google's style. They make a fuckton of money and they do it in a subtle way that really doesn't bother me. They offer everything they make for essentially free and less hassle than many paid solutions. So WHY oh god WHY is everyone pitching a damn fit when they want to do something new. it's a company run by two GEEKS, they want to do good things and have the best shot in the WORLD to make differences that no one else could make on a such a grand scale.You should all go give Google a dollar and shut the hell up about your privacy. Because you're worried about whether or not Google knows if you email your brother in wisconsin and less worried about the US government arresting without warrants and watching you take a shit. Go write something about that. Let Google rock the planet. I know I sound like the saddest kind of fanboy, but I really just like Google and every single one of their plans has been outstanding and generally only fail due to ignorance or paranoia. If more people were doing what google is doing, "No Evil" and to make the world easier to understand and communicate... I wouldn't have to hate you all so very much.


Not Yet Famous Quotes

January 22, 2009

Here's some of my (almost) famous Quotes:

  • Life is all about gathering enough boring stories to last you the rest of it.
  • It's like my father used to say to me, "Son, it's time I told you about the Birds and the Bee's - It's called inter-species dating and I never want to catch you doing it!" Thanks Dad.
  • It's all fun and games and someone loses an eye!
  • After I'm dead, I want people to remember me in a way they don't remember anyone else. That's why I'm dedicating my life to making a tombstone that flies around and makes dick jokes and can't be shut down. It will be like I never left.
  • Cannibalism is a redundant second word for Carnivore... it's all meat, delicous delicious meat.
  • People always come up to me and ask "Do you have the time?" I think that's so racist.
  • If I had to list off the 7 most important people in my life, 3 of them would be video games and one might still be left blank.
  • It's like I'm flying without a Kite, ya know?
  • Prison isn't that bad, I've stayed at places where the food was awful, I was afraid of getting stabbed, I couldn't leave my room, and I had to PAY for it, and THAT was a hotel!
  • I hit my spirit animal wtih a car, now I have a spirit carcass, which I draw on in times of great need. It doesn't do anything but it makes me feel safe.
  • When I was young and angry at my parents, I used to wish I was adopted. Now that I've gotten older and wiser, I realized that I've had it all wrong. I wish I was adopted... By Rich People.


The Hangover Strikes Back

July 25, 2009

Jesus Monkey Flavored ChristI woke up today with a hangover that gave me super powers. Power that allow me to feel pain and misery unlike any person before. Like Daredevil, I could hear the slightest whisper of every sound. I could hear my skin sliding across the soft material of the pillow as I slowly turned my 1000 pound head. I could hear my brain literally adjusting itself in my skull. I knew there was something terribly wrong, when what sounded like a drum solo turned out to be the feet of the toddler that lives two doors down attempting to walk.Despite my super hearing, I was unable to form coherent thoughts or sentences. This is a hangover of the ages. A hangover SO bad, that you don't actually realize it's bad, until you come out of it slightly and realize that you're not supposed to contemplate suicide 15 times a second for 89 minutes straight. Then it occurs to you, yes, something might be wrong.I took 4 ibuprofen and my hangover literally laughed and tossed them back out of my throat with a girlish giggle. Pure bottled water tasted like motor oil that's been sieved through the hands of glass coated giants who also hate me and love to play giant cymbals. At some point a full 32 piece orchestra broke into full song with a screaming tibetan monk as a solo, that turned out to be my cellphone ringing. Luckily i've mastered the art of moving only my hand while not disturbing the delicate balance of my head on top of a thousand needles coated in pain.At some point the hangover reached a dreamlike fever pitch, where the colors of the rainbow literally wrote the 150 ways they would like me to die, while chanting and parading every single drink from the night before in front of me. It was like a grotesque chorus line designed to break my spirit. My spirit, not to be outdone, decided it would not only break, but make an awful keening sound for about 8 minutes, which turned out to be me, crying softly into my pillow because i'd been laying on my left testicle rather painfully for about 10 minutes and not noticing. The pins and needles that my dangling buddy was indeed still capable of pumping shoved stupid blood to brain, that only served to remind me more and more. That I should never drink that much again, which is, what I say, EVERY time this happens.So here's to the hangover that actually went out, got a job, paid rent and moved into my room so it could make everything smell like sweat, booze, blood and failure. Which I rinse off in a shower that sounds like 80,000 watts of waterfall going off inside my grimacing face.I apologize in advance to myself, when I'm able to actually read this and punch myself in the dick for being an idiot.- I bid you, Ow my fucking head hurts and I hate everything, farewell


Quantum Hamsters...

February 3, 2009

2:19:37 PM weaselbringer: you deserve everything bad that's happened... ever... especially football related disadvantages2:20:02 PM SikKitten: ...why?!2:24:14 PM weaselbringer: I dunno, just seemed like a nifty curse to throw on you2:24:49 PM SikKitten: you are mean2:25:46 PM weaselbringer: nope just outlandishly ignorant of the effects of violence and curses2:26:09 PM SikKitten: that does sound like you2:27:04 PM weaselbringer: it does? (fires gun randomly into crowd) how do you mean? (foretells death of the nation to small child)2:27:21 PM SikKitten: hahaha!2:30:49 PM weaselbringer: I'm funny2:31:06 PM SikKitten: you are2:31:12 PM SikKitten: you make me giggle like a schoolgirl2:31:46 PM weaselbringer: a schoolgirl.... OF EVIL2:32:15 PM weaselbringer: sorry everything is better with evil, like "The new tasty ranch-chile doritos.... OF EVIL" heh that would be cool2:32:33 PM weaselbringer: The 2009 4 Door Dodge Durango... OF EVIL2:32:49 PM SikKitten: yeah.2:33:00 PM SikKitten: I want tasty ranch-chile doritos of evil.2:33:10 PM weaselbringer: well I dunno, you have to be pretty evil to eat them2:33:32 PM weaselbringer: or else there's a quantum inversion and all good becomes bad and all bad becomes lime flavored, it's a well documented theorem2:33:46 PM SikKitten: mmmm....lime flavored.2:33:55 PM weaselbringer: yeah... but...2:33:58 PM SikKitten: is lime flavor the opposite of pure evil?2:33:59 PM weaselbringer: you see... everything...2:34:48 PM weaselbringer: No in quantum physics it's always the opposite of the furthest thing from itself. So If you wanted the opposite of Up it would be banana and if you wanted the opposite of white it would be Robby Parker, this guy that used to live next door to me when I was 102:35:44 PM weaselbringer: Here I'll give you a test... we'll start with something simple2:35:47 PM SikKitten: hahahaha!2:35:52 PM weaselbringer: what's the opposite of Candy?2:35:53 PM SikKitten: chocolate cake2:35:58 PM SikKitten: oh um...2:36:01 PM weaselbringer: no no no all wrong2:36:02 PM SikKitten: parking garage2:36:06 PM weaselbringer: closer2:36:25 PM weaselbringer: We'll try another (the opposite of candy is "The Noble Dutch Elm")2:37:04 PM SikKitten: makes sense2:37:14 PM weaselbringer: Okay, what's the opposite of Carnivore..2:37:33 PM SikKitten: the Bar M ranch in south El Paso2:37:52 PM weaselbringer: It's actually just a 2-level condo, but it IS in El Paso2:37:55 PM weaselbringer: I think you're catching on2:38:14 PM weaselbringer: Here's a tough one, What's the opposite of Barack Obama2:38:31 PM SikKitten: frosted flakes?2:39:13 PM weaselbringer: No trick question: the answer is Barack Obama, popular figureheads with internet memes are quantumly correlated with themselves and the opposite of themselves which leads back to the same thing2:39:39 PM weaselbringer: This is a rarity however as the only 2 people on earth who quantum opposite is themselves is Obama and the guy who played Norm on Cheers2:40:08 PM weaselbringer: But not knowing that, frosted flakes would have been my guess2:40:27 PM weaselbringer: That or the movie "Rat Race"2:40:38 PM SikKitten: hehe2:41:57 PM weaselbringer: Another interesting theory is Quantum Nonsense, that because most quantum mechanics are purely undefinable by standard methods of measurement, then the only way to measure or define a quantum element or reaction would be to randomly guess a word starting with "G"2:43:01 PM weaselbringer: So if I put a cat in a box with 2 other cats that are radioactive, and one of them is kinda sick with a hairball and the other is just sorta content to lay there and shed... the only possible outcome is "Georgia"2:43:28 PM weaselbringer: or "Grueberman" if you follow dutch methods...2:43:47 PM SikKitten: hehe2:44:03 PM SikKitten: you are making my day so much better. thank you.2:44:17 PM weaselbringer: I don't mean to, this is my incredibly lazy way of writing a blog entry2:44:44 PM weaselbringer: as soon as I run out of juice I'm ditching you, then posting this on my blog, then thinking about breakfast cereal for like 28 minutes2:44:58 PM SikKitten: mmmm....cereal2:48:25 PM SikKitten: I have baby hamsters2:48:51 PM weaselbringer: post pictures of your baby hamsters!2:49:04 PM SikKitten: I need to get some2:49:11 PM SikKitten: mommy hamster mostly keeps them hidden2:49:27 PM weaselbringer: you throw mom into the air and snap pictures of baby hamsters ASAP!2:49:31 PM SikKitten: but they are so tiny! They look like little bitty blind dogs2:49:46 PM SikKitten: do you want one?2:49:51 PM weaselbringer: You don't understand, on the internet "Cute" is money and you're sitting on GOLD MINE and golden hamster baby filled mine!2:50:10 PM SikKitten: I'll make a hamster cam2:50:11 PM SikKitten: haha2:50:12 PM weaselbringer: where the canaries are like half an inch tall and the mine itself is just a paper mache model on a cute card table where the baby hamsters can play!2:50:28 PM weaselbringer: You should hella hamster cam2:50:57 PM weaselbringer: The only thing cuter than baby hamsters is a entire row of pandas dressed as babies and holding nintendo controllers2:51:06 PM weaselbringer: and I just don't have the pandas to spare for that2:51:44 PM SikKitten: okay...that just might have exploded my cute circuit.2:51:54 PM weaselbringer: SO QUICKLY - grab a shovel of +7 vs Adorable and start scooping baby hamsters into cheerleader style pyramids and take pictures of them with captions that say "I Can Hz Peeramid!"2:52:17 PM SikKitten: that would be pure awesome.2:52:37 PM weaselbringer: awesoe, from the makers of awesome, when dope wicked radical is just too many words2:54:15 PM SikKitten: yeah....2:54:26 PM SikKitten: Im running out of brain working time2:54:50 PM weaselbringer: its okay you'll be revived by hamsters... deadly laser equipped hamsters2:54:54 PM SikKitten: my clever gland is shutting down.2:55:14 PM weaselbringer: you should get a bunch of green plastic army men and stage a mock battle with baby hamsters where the hamsters have tiny guns and green army helmets2:55:17 PM SikKitten: I can't decide if that is better or worse than laser equipped dinosaurs.2:55:22 PM SikKitten: awwww!2:55:28 PM SikKitten: yeah.2:55:29 PM weaselbringer: but it's obvious they're just sitting there being cute2:55:49 PM SikKitten: when they get a little bigger and can actually see and survive away from the protective boobs of their mom2:56:24 PM SikKitten: What am I going to do with them once they get big enough to fend for themselves?2:57:01 PM weaselbringer: stage mock battles with live ammunition?2:57:17 PM weaselbringer: flush one down the toilet per-day until they start speaking english as we KNOW they can2:57:26 PM SikKitten: hahaha2:57:41 PM SikKitten: I have contemplated letting them go free and seeing if they can live off the land2:58:57 PM weaselbringer: the land under the refridgerator?2:59:17 PM SikKitten: I was thinking like, the lawn.


Sushi is Complicated

January 22, 2009

Dude, Sushi is so complicated. Keep in mind, this is like an old-school Japanese documentary, but still it shows that we're a bunch of dirty heathens.

Ironically if you were to make a video about eating at an American establishment it would be longer and require the many different ways that we are obligated to be rude. Here's my list of American style dining guide:

  1. Enter the establishment by knocking open the door with your knee (or beer gut if your not as limber as you used to be). Make sure to do it swiftly so to catch any unaware people with the hard edge of door-shaped justice for existing in your space.
  2. After you have entered make sure to spot anyone standing idly and question them with a firm "You work here?". While avoiding eye contact and looking slightly like you're put off by this whole process.
  3. After being seated be sure to call the host/waiter back to your table at least 2 or 3 times by asking for the things that they were going to bring you anyway, breadsticks, water, free shot glasses of Crisco... whatever.
  4. Make the waiter come back about 3-4 times because one of your or all of you are "not ready yet" when the waiter comes back for a final time, make a point of simply making your 4 second decision from the menu there while they are waiting. This shows that you could have been ready to order at anytime but wanted to finish telling your friend about this girl/guys awesome tits/ass.
  5. When the food comes, don't say a single word, just sit there silently while they set the food down and clear your throat a few times. This makes your server feel like they are a naughty child interrupting in grown up talk, It may help at this point to discuss your sex life or impotency.
  6. Finish roughly half of everything, and send back or request a refund on at least one or two items.
  7. When the waiter/busser tries to take your filthy dishes, move protectively about your plate like a hyena over a gruesome kill. Don't actually indicate your intentions, simply stare them down and if they ask you if they can take that, think about it long enough that they feel awkward, usually about 30-50 seconds.
  8. When the waiter comes back for their inevitable dessert sales pitch, make loud exclamations that they must be insane or stupid, because you just imbibed roughly 34 pounds of meat and roughage. This is because humans are the only animal able to gorge to excess and NOT vomit up what they don't need, and we revel in this ability. Then order a chocolate pie anyway.
  9. When the check comes, loudly discuss the amounts and mistakes that are no doubt there, and then leave a tip that either borders on insulting or is so far in excess to the service that it shows you don't care one way or another if they were good or not.
  10. Remember when the check has come to split it at the last minute at least 3 or 4 different ways, it helps to act like this was your plan all along and the waiter/waitress just "didn't get it"
  11. You have successfully eaten like an American, this would be a good time to hop into your SUV and drive your foggy-eyed family back to the house where you'll stare at the open fridge before filling your favorite ass-indent on the couch and watching one of the many *quality* reality TV shows, like "Stupid People Dating" or "Vapid Blonde Whores go Shopping"

If you think the Sushi Video is anal retentive and over the top, just remember the equally lengthy series of steps required to eat like an American and realize we are a bunch of bastards with no culture except what the picture-box gives us.   Do I sound bitter? Maybe I just want some Sushi.[Special Thanks to: Briggs]


More, Not Yet Famous Quotes...

June 5, 2009

More quotes of mine that aren't famous yet, but will be soon, I'm pretty sure...General Quotes

  • People drink to erase their pain and solve their problems, which is impossible, but worth a shot.
  • Hindsight isn't 20/20 with a hangover
  • I blog, therefore, I have too much free time
  • Sometimes when I get out of the shower and no one is around, I pretend I'm a Rock Star.
  • Clever sayings are a way of avoiding simple truth

Pick up lines:

  • Hey, You'd look pretty good, crumpled up on my floor in the morning, regretting tonight.
  • Let's not think, let's not make decisions, let's just keep drinking
  • Give me your number (Surprisingly, it works sometimes)
  • Hey, want to have awkward 3rd base action, where I fall asleep and you leave in a cab hating yourself?
  • Boy, maybe it's the 8 shots of Jaeger but you are MODERATELY attractive...

Advice for Children:

  • When you grow up, every problem you have will be magnified by a thousand, but you'll be dead inside and won't care
  • You've got maybe a 5-6 year window of attractive in which to nail down someone to annoy forever, use it.
  • EVERYONE is smarter than you, and knows when you're lying
  • That thing you do at night is normal, D & D happens to most children at some point
  • You're pretty much under control until I can't pin you anymore, remember that


  • Death is like the big brick wall at the end of this road, it's inevitable, but I have an air-bag
  • When you get to hell, there's a long hallway, second door on the right says "Employees Only" Find me there
  • I think more people are afraid of life than death
  • When you die, your soul becomes a potato and is eaten by the Irish... Fucking Irish
  • Eternity is really a punishment, the fact that life blissfully ends permanently is both atheist and the only thing that gives me hope.


Girls are Like Metaphors

April 28, 2009

Everything about you gives me koala feet. You don't know koala feet? That's when a koala gets so dumbstruck by something beautiful in nature like a rock or a boulder that he forgets how to tie his shoes. You'd make a koala rely on a zookeeper to tie his shoes for him, or maybe invest in some velcro sandals.I'm not exaggerating. In fact, I'm just getting started.You're blushing... You don't even know how fine you are, do you girl? That just makes you even hotter. It's like you're a retard that wandered into NASA mission control and some balding dude with a headset and a cigarette hanging out of his haggard genius mouth sat you down in front of a supercomputer and said "Go on, save the rocket". You don't know what the fuck is going on, and you aren't even wearing regular underwear.I like that. Yeah, you know I do.If we were stranded together on some tropical paradise and we found a four-post bed with silk sheets and a can of whipped cream, I would give you half of the whipped cream. You'd probably have to sleep on the floor because I flail my arms about when the nightmares get bad, but you wouldn't be able complain about the poor sleeping conditions. After all, I split the food with you, right? You wouldn't even know how comfortable sleeping on the bed would be, and that would just make you even hotter.Your skin is a gently rolling landscape, its surface a milky velvet delight. I want to spend a lazy afternoon traversing every millimeter of its surface with my fingertips, held in such a way as to make it look like my hand is skateboarding.What gorgeous hair you've got. It's like a hundred ropes. When I smell it I become intoxicated, like I just used too much ammonia to clean up a poorly ventilated hospital bathroom. I could lose myself in your hair if it was big enough to make a maze. I'm horrible at those things, which is pretty much the only reason why I couldn't become a professional hedge maze solver.Your eyes are like sparkling diamonds in a sparkling stream and someone went nuts with a Bedazzler on all the tadpoles. When I look into those eyes, I am blinded to everything in the world but you, and that poster on your wall with the two girls kissing in black and white.Girl, your brain weighs roughly three pounds.Your legs are long like the line I waited in to see Star Wars: Episode One. I sat there for twelve hours without going to the bathroom, and the local news asked me a few questions live on the air. If he were to ask me about your legs, I'd have a lot of flattering things to say but I'd probably steer the conversation toward Star Wars.Your breasts are like a slightly mismatched pair of oversized oranges. If I grasped them with my strong but tender hands and gave them a honk, the sweetest orange juice would drip out from every pore. I'm not being poetic, I genuinely believe that's what would happen.Your lips are a pair of pillowy security doors hiding a dangerous secret: Your teeth. Your teeth can bite and chew, but your lips can kiss and sometimes form words. Your whole mouth is a dichotomy. Think about it!My absolute favorite thing about your body, though, is the nape of your neck. It's like an NES cartridge. I could spend hours leaning in close, exhaling hot whispers of the games I want to play into its smooth hollow, and it wouldn't have any effect whatsoever on you.


Does Facebook Trump Myspace?

August 6, 2009

More and more Myspace feels like the ugly annoying younger sibling of facebook. With FB's clean content, very secure environments and lack of dazzling shitty custom profiles it just feels more modern, refined, well thought-out.Where as myspace is still clunky, square, blue and messy as hell. Pictures don't line up, the apps are a shameless and incredibly poor rip-off of apps that have already been on facebook for ages.The only reason to hop on myspace nowadays is to connect with the few remaining people who haven't made the jump over yet. Not that facebook is perfect, I think the WHOLE WORLD would be better off without apps, but otherwise it's just more engaging and useful.Unless myspace changes drastically they will fall by the wayside, as is appropriate since they're practically owned by Satan. If they did update it would probably be just to look more like facebook. So... Just putting it out there.And for those people that feel like Facebook is too much for the "older" crowd, it's for the less douchbaggish, non-pretty-pink-ponies crowd too, and we don't miss you.I like for my edgy social networking and facebook for all my day to day stuff, Myspace is going


Jesus Haunts My iTunes

December 17, 2009

So apparently the good lord above has deemed it necessary to infiltrate my iTunes playlist to show me the errors of my ways. Let me explain.Like any good american under 30, I don't pay for music. About the time Microsoft and Apple started slapping DRM on everything is when I just stopped caring about buying legitimate music downloads. It just came with too much headache. Sure apple's fixed it since then but it's easier and cheaper ($0.00) to just get what you need elsewhere. (for all legal purposes lets remind everyone that this is a COMEDY blog)So I decided that my tired old playlist needed a dose of new music. I went through and weeded out bands that SOUNDED good at the time, but got old and boring fast. In case you're wondering which bands those are:

  • LCD Soundsystem
  • Bang Camaro
  • Asher Roth
  • Blue October
  • Cage the Elephant
  • Etc

Then I realized that there are bands/songs on there that just have NO business being on my playlist like:

  • Black Eyed Peas
  • Cher
  • Coldplay
  • Depeche Mode
  • Kayne West
  • Etc

Rest Assured that ALL the above bands are now deleted and I've already gone through the effort of calling MYSELF a fag and then dickpunching myself in the locker room. So I've realized the error of my erroneously downloading ways. Now of course I'm more careful to download specific albums, immediately deleting them if they don't grip my attention or seem great. So I queued up a whole new batch of bands and meticulously downloaded several albums. After checking and re-checking the files I imported them all into iTunes and used the ever-popular "Recently Added Playlist"That's when Jesus popped in, followed by Disco. What?I was listening to the new albums I had just set my new songs to "random" and was enjoying some new music. (who I won't list because I don't know if they all suck yet) When suddenly I catch a snippet of a tune about Jesus dying on a cross. I immediately open iTunes to find the offending song. Since my Atheism is a Gargantuan Level 80 Paladin, I don't want no upbeat Jesus music on my playlist.Sure enough there's "Robbie Williams" who apparently does christian themed pop. This is annoying in and of itself, but more confusing since, I DID NOT download Robbie Williams. As I'm pondering this, suddenly a half-hearted remix of "Staying Alive" starts to play. My eyes bulge out of my head and I immediately regret all the self-dickpunching soon to follow this escapade. Flipping back to iTunes I realize that part of a compilation titled "Disco Classics Re-Imagined" has found its way onto my recently added playlist... TWICE. I shit you not, every song duplicated from the 30 track compilation of Disco Classics Re-imagined... What. The. Fuck.Now the sleuths among you have already deduced that I've simply been had, and that while downloading music I've been swindled into downloading a stupid album in place of the one I was trying to get... The only issue here... is that I didn't. Since I've downloaded roughly 10 solid albums, I went back into the original download folder to find out which album was compromised. There was NO issues. Every album, every track, played perfectly. There simply was NO apparent source of Robbie Williams (Jesus Jamboree) and Disco Dickpunching Classics on my computer. Sure they were in the itunes playlist and music folder, but they have come from NOWHERE. Upon further inspection these folders were made 24 hours prior to my download fiesta. My computer is locked down at work and has no easy access from either an external source or in the office. Not to mention my coworkers are all over 50 and think iTunes is Voodoo magic sent by the aliens.Still I asked around. Nope. Nothing. My computer was locked, firewalled, passworded, and running OSX (which isn't as easy to hack or circumvent) in a private room in a private building. Yet somehow. The ghost of Jesus Christ put Robbie Williams and DISCO CLASSICS REIMAGINED on my fucking itunes recently added playlist with no explanation. The only idea I have is that Disco and Jesus are both NOT dead, and they're pranking people in offices around the world, as part of the coming Disco-Rapture...


State Superiority (3)

December 8, 2009

2:56:57 PM sikkitten: how's life in the cool state?

2:57:18 PM weaselbringer: pretty amazing, they changed all the air in california to cherry flavored

2:57:33 PM weaselbringer: and now when you crash your car they give you a jet and a handjob

2:59:48 PM sikkitten: That does sound nice

2:59:52 PM sikkitten: but I don't have a car3:01:49 PM sikkitten: so I would miss out on that perk

3:02:06 PM sikkitten: guess I'll have to wait until I'm employed and have a car before moving back to CA

3:02:57 PM weaselbringer: oh there's no unemployment anymore, now if you don't have a job they give you a state funded job eating doritos and watching TV at double your old wages

3:03:16 PM sikkitten: ...yeah3:03:17 PM sikkitten: but3:03:33 PM weaselbringer: plus arnold Schwarzenegger comes by your house once a week and gives you a high five and a peptalk3:03:55 PM sikkitten: I want to have a job as a graphic designer, and before I get that I want to get a degree that says I can do so3:04:10 PM sikkitten: though Arnie coming over to high-five me sounds pretty sweet3:05:33 PM weaselbringer: that's fine, everything here is digital now, so you just upload some art to and someone mails you a check for 8 million dollars (or 6 million Euros) (( or 200,000 hotpockets ))3:06:08 PM sikkitten: um, yeah...their site appears to be down3:06:37 PM sikkitten: so I suppose I'm just going to have to work on finishing my Bachelor's until they get it up and running again3:06:52 PM sikkitten: I do like hotpockets.3:07:27 PM sikkitten: wait a can only get 200,000 hotpockets for 8mil? That exchange rate seems a little off3:10:45 PM sikkitten: You know, I always kind of thought that artificial Christmas trees would cost LESS than real ones because, well...they aren't even REAL.3:11:07 PM weaselbringer: hotpockets are worth their weight in gold here now, some sort of craze3:11:24 PM weaselbringer: fake trees cost more because they last forever, and don't make a mess3:11:29 PM sikkitten: That's stupid3:11:42 PM sikkitten: I wanted a tacky weird colored tree3:11:51 PM sikkitten: and found out that it would cost me way more than a real one3:11:53 PM weaselbringer: although in California, everyone is given a LIVE 400 FOOT redwood tree3:11:53 PM sikkitten: AND3:12:00 PM weaselbringer: and your house is renovated to fit3:12:10 PM sikkitten: that was going to be my next question3:12:34 PM sikkitten: also, how do you reach the top to decorate3:12:35 PM sikkitten: ?3:12:43 PM sikkitten: and where do you get that many decorations?3:12:56 PM weaselbringer: nothing like gathering around the old extensible crane to decorate your 2000 year old king of trees with garlands made from 747 lighting cables3:13:04 PM sikkitten: and how do the hippies feel about all those old-growth redwoods being cut down?3:13:37 PM sikkitten: nevermind3:13:46 PM weaselbringer: they're not cut down, they're moved, live, at enormous expense. Which is funded by our sales of promises to hang out with other states but we probably won't3:14:11 PM sikkitten: no wonder CA's economy is suffering...3:14:30 PM sikkitten: Anyway, Redwoods only come in tree color or dead tree color3:14:34 PM sikkitten: I want pink, or blue3:14:41 PM sikkitten: maybe purple or silver foil3:15:01 PM weaselbringer: I think you mean california red, or superior blue3:15:05 PM weaselbringer: our state colors


Modern Warfare 2: A Conversation

November 11, 2009

10:37:04 AM Cliff: So you diggin the MW2 action?11:30:47 AM weaselbringer: it's pretty fricking rad11:30:58 AM weaselbringer: doubt I'll play it multiplayer11:31:09 AM weaselbringer: but i'll probably do the SP campaign twice11:47:22 AM Cliff: Yeah, I'm hooked. The whole attack on america thing is pretty wild. Not that I'm proud that one of the fights in america revolves around a fast food chain mall.11:47:35 AM weaselbringer: lol11:47:37 AM weaselbringer: yeah11:47:42 AM weaselbringer: defend the burger town is pretty silly11:47:49 AM weaselbringer: but I'm glad there's a taco bell or whatever,11:48:23 AM Cliff: Well its funny, you think about all the other game they've done and you fight for farms and churches and historic areas. Then they do one game in america and your defending the burger barn and taco hut.11:48:46 AM Cliff: "God damnit general, save the burger barn and get me a double quarter pounder while your there!"11:48:48 AM weaselbringer: well I'm assuming we're defending "freedom" and not the burger hut11:49:02 AM Cliff: Freedom Fries11:49:22 AM weaselbringer: we're defending our right to have people stupid enough to call french fries... that11:49:42 AM Cliff: God bless america11:56:21 AM weaselbringer: I believe the burger hut was bombed anyway11:56:44 AM weaselbringer: diner also thrashed, pisstown USA will have to bebuilt11:57:05 AM weaselbringer: Hundreds of dollars in government funding will be required before it can regain it's former beauty11:57:11 AM weaselbringer: HUNDREDS11:57:33 AM Cliff: Wheres a crying eagle when you need one.11:58:00 AM weaselbringer: or a cybernetic bald eagle riding a plymouth into uncle sams vampire mouth11:58:04 AM weaselbringer: no wait that's just a tattoo I wanted11:58:56 AM Cliff: I can see it, I dig it... no wait let me get the acid then everything will make sense12:02:36 PM weaselbringer: then it looks like a pile of lumber, acid test pre-completed buddy12:02:47 PM weaselbringer: what about that controversial airport scene?12:02:58 PM Cliff: Did you play that yet?12:03:02 PM Cliff: Its the third mission12:03:16 PM weaselbringer: Here's a massive machine gun and for some reason we need you to "PRETEND" by killing and gunning down OODLES of innocents12:03:38 PM weaselbringer: this is to 'get in good' with the terrorist, who is STANDING IN FRONT OF YOU WHILE YOU ARE HOLDING A MACHINE GUN12:04:18 PM weaselbringer: you could burst all 5 of those jackasses and not a single civilian life lost, or you could HELP them gun down thousands, get shot in the face and start a war...12:04:19 PM weaselbringer: hmm12:04:40 PM weaselbringer: maybe America's policy of 'kill as many innocents as it takes' isn't as well thought out as we thought12:04:48 PM Cliff: hah12:05:32 PM Cliff: Well heres my take on it, they wanted you to get in close with him to figure out what was next. Maybe they thought he had a nuke or something big that could kill loads more, who knows, I'm honestly not sure if they even bring it up.12:05:46 PM Cliff: Anyways, they send you in the get in good with him and play buddy buddy12:05:48 PM weaselbringer: Not explained at all12:06:18 PM weaselbringer: and I'm pretty sure he can't use a nuke with 30 rounds in his back... which is exposed to you, the whole time, that you are... killing innocent people, to gain his favor, which doesn't work12:06:33 PM Cliff: What bugs me is all that "If you are compromised we destroy all evidence of your existence" that ALL other CIA movies do... I mean shit its the first thing I thought of.12:07:03 PM Cliff: My assumption was it was a no other alternative situation12:07:06 PM weaselbringer: isn't the point of counter terrorism to avoid gigantic bloodbaths like... I dunno, a massive airport execution?12:07:14 PM Cliff: Like he had the capabilities and cells that would do it for him if he died12:07:55 PM weaselbringer: still knowing there was some guy in france with sweaty palms holding the controller for a nuke would go a long way to soothing my concerns, instead it's "Be his friend, kill thousands... it's WORTH it"12:08:31 PM Cliff: *little devil on his shoulder*This is a good idea, nothing could go wrong.12:08:55 PM weaselbringer: little angel - Yeah, machine guns, yeah! (in a beavis voice)12:09:01 PM Cliff: hah12:09:41 PM weaselbringer: I have to say the game is made worth it by gangsta shooting faceless enemies while snowmobiling at roughly 200 miles per hour12:09:46 PM Cliff: Maybe one of the writers at activision had a really bad experience at a german airport and was like "Ya know what, fuck these people" and the story goes from there.12:09:56 PM weaselbringer: You ever been to german airport?12:09:58 PM Cliff: lol12:10:00 PM Cliff: no12:10:01 PM weaselbringer: it's like that ALL the time12:10:09 PM weaselbringer: thousands dead daily12:10:30 PM weaselbringer: I don't think a plane has ever successfully landed or taken off from a german airport12:10:36 PM weaselbringer: due to all the shootings12:10:42 PM Cliff: I'll have to make note of this12:10:46 PM Cliff: Avoid Germany12:11:01 PM weaselbringer: yeah if you're layover is in hamburg or something like that, wear flak, go in packing and leave on a fucking snowmobile12:11:21 PM weaselbringer: that will be the only way you're getting to euro-disney12:11:58 PM Cliff: Now I have the image of Mickey in the airport gunning down thousands of civilians.12:12:17 PM weaselbringer: with his creepy laugh, now THAT would be Epic Mickey12:12:49 PM weaselbringer: Goofy throws a flashbang and says "Garsh" before slitting the throat of yet another airport security guard12:13:16 PM Cliff: Donald suicide bombs a concession stand12:15:07 PM weaselbringer: which accomplishes...12:15:20 PM weaselbringer: No it doesn't matter12:15:26 PM weaselbringer: I think it's awesome12:15:37 PM weaselbringer: I'm also going to blog this... watch me12:16:21 PM Cliff: I can't wait for the FBI to call me.12:19:39 PM weaselbringer: and 'ed12:20:08 PM Cliff: I've always waited for this day... my life is complete


Birthday Post (28 Years)

September 2, 2009

Birthday Post (or What I've learned in 28 years) Here's a list of some of the important things I've learned in 28 years:

  • Your greatest hopes and dreams from when you are younger will morph and fade away and become an urge to create a 401k
  • Always tip a dollar a drink at the bar.
  • You simply cannot eat an entire wheel of cheese without severe consequences
  • Don't mix alcohol types in one night, if you HAVE to, limit it to 2 types MAXIMUM
  • The few times when you think you look really awesome, your fly is probably down
  • Awkward moments are hilarious and should be treated as such
  • Music, Movies and all Forms of mass entertainment aren't nearly as important as you thought they were
  • It's okay to re-read books
  • The best pick-up line is "Hello, my name is _______"
  • A tomato is neither a fruit nor a vegetable, but a spy for the coming alien armada

Here's a list of the things I've FAILED to learn in 28 years, but should have:

  • You simply cannot eat an entire wheel of cheese without severe consequences.
  • You can't get famous or rich off of being 'Awesome'
  • While your friends think you're funny, it's best not to assume that you are funny to everyone
  • When a girl you don't know smiles at you, check behind you to see if her boyfriend is there
  • Tell your friends you love them, but not in front of their coworkers, or they will look at you weird
  • Don't call other peoples parents mom/dad/ma/pa/bitch/asshole
  • I can't dance

Here's a list of the things I want to do before I'm 30

  • Get written about in a magazine
  • Make money off the internet
  • Write a novel
  • Play Night-Time Frisbee
  • Burn the Confederate Flag
  • Make the best sandwich ever
  • Make a 401k... or a threesome, whichever comes first


My trip to Vegas

January 1, 1970

Not that I haven't written about Vegas before. But I recently took my 4 day vacation to vegas and it went down like this.

The Airport(tiny and ridiculous)

The Hotel(Luxor, pyramind, etc)

The Shows Zoomanity - X-Burlesque - Fantasy - Gregory Popovich

The Gambling(duh)

The Booze(duh)

The Strip Club(woo)

The Return and the Hangover.

The Scam Artists...

people waiting at the fronts of hotels.


Lemur Gun Inside a Baby

January 25, 2010

12:02:50 PM sikkitten: howdie

12:03:05 PM weaselbringer: what! stop judging me!!

12:03:15 PM weaselbringer: oh sorry I thought you were the instant message that haunts my nightmares

12:03:18 PM sikkitten: haha

12:03:20 PM weaselbringer: you're just a regular IM

12:03:29 PM sikkitten: I was judging you though

12:03:55 PM weaselbringer: well that's fine because you don't have the face of a werewolf and the mind of supernova like in my surreal flavored dreams

12:04:11 PM sikkitten: or so you think

12:04:33 PM weaselbringer: whatever condemnation you can pass down from your realbrain is probably non-fatal

12:05:09 PM weaselbringer: hmm I've found that pinching myself is not a solid indicator of dream state, so I've taken to firing a live starter pistol at my face to see if I'm dreaming

12:05:20 PM weaselbringer: so far 3/4 times I've been awake

12:05:48 PM sikkitten: sounds like a good system.

12:07:01 PM weaselbringer: the first test run it turns out I was dreaming and the starter pistol emitted a high pitched frequency that only marmosets can hear and I shot myself in the face with a lemur..

12:07:2 PM weaselbringer: that... thankfully was only a test run, and I might add, a dream

12:07:14 PM sikkitten: been there

12:08:14 PM weaselbringer: Lemur gun... I wonder if there's a market for that

12:08:20 PM weaselbringer: ( or an app for that )

12:08:37 PM sikkitten: haha.  I would say yes to both.

12:08:55 PM sikkitten: if there isn't a market, that's what proper advertising is for.

12:09:06 PM sikkitten: Throw it in the right packaging and everyone will want one.

12:09:36 PM weaselbringer: packaging for a lemur gun... I guess if you sold it... inside a live camel.. that way, if you're crafty... hey! Free camel!

12:10:43 PM sikkitten: not an advertising ploy that would work on everyone, but I'm sure it has it's niche.

12:11:28 PM weaselbringer: inside a live baby? studies have shown that humans respond well to infants

12:12:10 PM weaselbringer: all we need to do is gently force a large lemur and accompanying pistol, along with the instruction manual and free lemur case/food pellets inside a human baby and I think that may fill TWO niche's

12:12:31 PM sikkitten:

12:12:40 PM weaselbringer: effectively bringing it out from the niche market and into the booming, babies stuffed with things... market...thing

12:13:05 PM weaselbringer: I would get married for that cake alone

12:13:08 PM weaselbringer: to anyone or anything

12:13:28 PM weaselbringer: I would marry a cactus attached a badger trained to eat testicles to have that cake

12:13:36 PM sikkitten: HAHA.  I know you would.

12:14:03 PM weaselbringer: And we're not in the baby killing business, sure there's money to be made but our goal is at least 70 percent live product

12:14:23 PM weaselbringer: the rest we can pawn off to third world countries where lemur stuffed baby is probably a delicacy... damn savages

12:15:34 PM sikkitten: hey, have you ever tried lemur-stuffed-baby?  Don't judge the foods of other cultures based on your own cultural biases.

12:16:05 PM weaselbringer: hey I've done my part I once had a mcdonalds burger from a non-franchised establishment.

12:16:30 PM weaselbringer: One time I think I had a banana or fruit or some type from near canada

12:16:35 PM sikkitten: dude, I said RESPECT other cultures...not risk your life!


Customer Serve This

October 28, 2009

Dear Franni Drepshanksizzlekeynips,

Thank you for your inquiry. We have investigated your order. (#66675859) We were unable to find anything at first. And then we investigated more. We have discovered that your order was sent, but to an address of your brother-in-law whom you no longer speak with (according to our investigations, which are very thorough) - However, DO NOT Panic. As the order sent was only an empty box and included an invoice listing 7000x Mongoose testacles. These unfortunately, were not available either.

Upon further investigation of the previous investigation. We have determined that the original product you ordered (3 chestnut jar candles) Were roasted over an open fire at the warehouse during a christmas party that involved, to the best of our knowledge, black tar heroin and vicodin shooters. These were of course, rapidly replaced with several similar items (#66672349) and shipped to Peru.

Upon investigating our records of the previous inverted 'investigation' Quantum Theory. We have located your order (#42002349) in Peru, where we do not provide shipping services. Your 7 Hazelnut replacement jars were located via sattelite and were ingested by goats near the Appalachian border, and their owner is understandably upset. We understand that this is not your responsibility, nevertheless we have charged your account several thousand dollars as compensation to a Havarrti Domanicann which will appear on your visa bill as "Goat Damage Reperation" This should also explain the majority of the 'excessive' charges that you mentioned in your earlier email.

We have hired paranormal investigators to track the dead investigators killed during the aforementioned 'Quantum' investigation, which sadly, ended in tragedy. Through this medium we have issued a replacement order at the warehouse for 4 Lemony-Vomit scented candles. Which are the only currently available closest replacement product. These however were dropped by a shipping employee by the name of Lenny Sendgooder, who has received 35 lashes for his impudence and lack of training. Lenny is recovering in intensive care and sends his best wishes. A replacement request was issued by the local department for this worker. This was returned electronically to our facility, which we promptly printed and mailed via US Postal service to our Fax department for them to Send back to the warehouse to have your 4th replacement order (#696969LOL) of 90 Dead grasshoppers with chestnuts fullfilled. This order was sent by Priority overnight shipping to our warehouse, where it was also shipped from, in an unfortunate system glitch. Upon receiving this order, it was promptly returned to sender, as we didn't order any grasshoppers or chestnuts. And the 30th of December we received it back here via Fed-Ex.

We quickly investigated and consulted our Ouji board and immediately repackaged your order (#420420LOL) with most of the grasshoppers intact, and a free beer bottle (empty) for your troubles. This was sent with freight charges to your current listed address. The box that you received containing a Bottle of Cabernet and a live ape was a mistake generated by our investigation into our order system. Which sadly, also ended in tragedy.

To conclude our investigation, the additional charges on your credit card for "Personal Massage" and "93 Kegs Br. Ale" are a blatant lie and the empty kegs will be returned when they are all located from various parts of the warehouse and surrounding field area. This charge will be refunded, pending an investigation. Your current order has been cancelled unfortunately as we are out of candles and are now shipping only packing peanuts and old issues of "Vogue" to random addresses that pop into our heads.

We hope you understand the difficulty we have experienced this holiday season and cease your complaints and constant emails. So that we may continue our investigation into Bigfoot. Who also was shipped something.

If you have any questions, or if you require any further assistance, please contact us at, or by phone at 1-800-DONT-ASK. Our phone center is open to assist you with your purchase Monday through Tuesday, from 1am - 2am Central-Pacific-Mountain time.

We look forward to serving you in the future.

Thank you for your interest in



Nabinga Wedonship

Direct Channels Customer Service Dept.


Classic Customer Service

October 28, 2009

From the old Devil's Newsletter Day's - Here's some more examples of customer service letters that would likely get you fired

WeaselBringer: Dear waste of human life, We have taken your order and put it in the shredder and then taken the long strips of paper and put them through again horizontally, this is an effective way to make confetti, we used the confetti during a celebration party dedicated to your lost order, and as a party trick we charged your account for this order about 1034 times. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused

WeaselBringer: Dear - We have totally been up in your order records. And the shit you was ramblin' about ain't nuthin' - it just some shit from back in the day, jus' like tricked out and all fuckered. So my bad G' Funk - Sincerely , Yo' Pimp mack daddy direct channel rep(Resent!)

WeaselBringer: Dear Sally, while tracing your order in our systems, we decided to put your email address in google, and we found some pictures of you in lingerie having sex with a dog. We think that's pretty messed up. But Tom in Accounting would like your number, and we weren't sure if we should give it to him, but it sounds like you're a total freak, so we just wanted your permission. Oh and your order has been cancelled or something. - signed - Customer 'bestiality' service

WeaselBringer: Dear Annoying customer, Thank you for shutting the hell up. Your last email was like 4 pages, and even just skimming it made me late for my break, where I got totally trashed and totally forgot your order and had to read it AGAIN. Could you drop the attitude and just get to the point? thx dood - CS

WeaselBringer: Dear Sam Peckinhaw, We received your email about your lost order. And we assure you that we're doing everything we can to track it. We even put up pictures of it around town on phone polls and offered a reward, if this doesn't work, we will start going door to door and putting ads in the paper, rest assured we will find your order. In the meantime please accept this free gift of spam-scented candles. - CS

WeaselBringer: Dear blah, thank you for your inquiry. As per your request we have had your children raped and your husband shot. Or replaced your broken glass pumpkin. It might be either one... But one of those requests is definitely done. If you would like your faced slammed in a vice and beaten with bamboo, don't hesitate to call us again

WeaselBringer: Dear customer: We were about to issue your refund but upon further investigation we've realized that you're Weirdo, and we don't like that much. So at this time no refund can be issued. And we hope you will die, and continue to enjoy shopping at illuminations (you stinky heebie)

WeaselBringer: Dear Customer/dumbass, Our records indicate that you probably impotent and unable to perform sexually or physically. Our records also indicate that it's small. I mean really small... Our records might be lying, but they've been around, and they know small. We hope this information is helpful in locating your glass pumpkin order. - Sincerely, 'well-hung'customer service rep


A Guy Reviews “New Moon” (Twilight)

November 22, 2009

So I've just gone and seen New Moon, or as I like to call it "Twilight 2: The Reckoning". Let's get the basics out of the way, I'm male and straight (enough) and I've seen the first movie and read the entire series of books. To be fair, I didn't actually know what I was getting into when I idly picked up the first book and because Stephanie Meyers words are somewhat akin to girlishly coated white china heroin, I read the rest.So I've enjoyed the book series, I found it to be well written and with a full and complete story arc that ends in a satisfying and somewhat surprising manner. I'm also well aware that Stephanie Meyers is a filthy mormon and is using the outmoded beliefs of her childish religion to create angst and sexual tension like never before. Apparently though, it worked. This being the first time Hollywood has not rammed a sex scene into a non-comedy romance. So on with the review.It's hard to summarize or review the 2nd movie without acknowledging the first. The casting of which is nearly pitch perfect. However I found the direction of the first movie to be lacking in personality and life, as it played out mainly as a word-for-word reading of the book as a script with beautiful but stoic actors and actresses. Not to mention Kristen Stewart (Bella Swan) seems to consist mainly of stuttering, apoplexy and migraines throughout the first movie. Now the second iteration is released upon a veritable ocean of squealing girls and shy and ashamed men. I found it to be largely more enjoyable.In this movie, **PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD** Robert Pattinson (Edward Cullen) as the broody perfect gentleman vampire, realizes that his very existence places his lady love in danger, after a paper cut during a birthday scene almost ends in disaster with his blood-lusting family. Ever the noble matyr, Edward decides his lifestyle is too dangerous for Bella to endure as a human and leaves her broken hearted with his (lied) assurance that he no longer loves her and will "disappear from her life forever". Bella, lost in a massive whirlpool of sorrow turns in her desperation to Jacob, the Native American supermodel/mechanic (Taylor Lautner), who manages to brighten her life slightly with his carefree and upbeat attitude. He of course falls rapidly in love with the heavily damaged and rebounding Bella and she keeps him at arms length while using him as an emotional crutch to perform dangerous stunts. These dangerous stunts present visions of the erstwhile Edward, who warns her to not harm herself, whether this is completely in her mind or some real telepathic link to Edward (direct from angst-ville) is never quite explained.The situation is complicated somewhat by the fact that Jacob is revealed to be a Werewolf and that several members of his tribe are also his "pack". Furthermore, the female antagonist Victoria, having survived her mates destruction in the first movie is still hellbent on revenge and plans to kill the relatively unprotected Bella. Though the part of Victoria is largely unspoken in this movie she remains only a shadowy menace represented mainly by dirty looks and threatening poses. The real story is Bella's mutual but distant love for Jacob and increasingly dangerous activities. This culminates in a cliff-diving scene where Edwards psychic sister foretells her death (incorrectly) and Edward finds out and plans to kill himself as a result.Edward throws himself at the mercy of the Volturi, an ancient Italian group of vampires who all possess superpowers of some type or another. Making them the dirty X-men of the Twilight Universe. They refuse to kill Edward and so he concocts a plan to break the Volturi's main law, which is secrecy, by exposing himself as a vampire and subsequently getting himself killed in retaliation. Bella and Alice race to Italy to prevent this and lo and behold, manage to save Edward. But not without first attracting the attention of the Volturi leaders who insist she must be made a vampire or die.The story comes to a close with Edward back in the game and Jacob scorned and angry as Bella looks forward to becoming a Vampire.The lengthy plot is revealed, and while this covers the real happening of the movie it's important to note a few things. For one, Jacob, being a much more primary character and admirably acted by Taylor Lautner is also reduced to little more than female pornography by existing for 90 percent of the 130 minute runtime with no shirt on, appearing as though he probably breaks a Bowflex machine before breakfast. With rippling abs and overexaggerated muscles, intended to convey that his new Werewolf metabolism is greatly increased, he becomes more of a constant sight gag. Making girls (ranging age 14-40) Sigh and giggle constantly, as the first real equivalent of female driven porn, worms its way onto mainstream cinema. Between the wolf and abs 'other guy' and the dark mysterious pale leading man, this is several of the most popular female fantasies colliding in a stew that literally leaves men (or at least me) feeling distant and uncomfortable.That's not to say the movie is bad. I found it to be well paced, funny, and have some genuinely inspired fight scenes that leave you wincing in pain for these characters. There are some things that worked for the first movie that barely deserved a glance in this one though. The casting of her friends from high school become rapidly more irrelevant in this movie and one is led to wonder why they continue to put up with Bella's whiny ever gloomy and dismissive attitude. It doesn't help that these friends have very little chemistry with each other and are obviously hand picked to provide racial diversity in the cold northwestern US, where Blacks, Asians, and Puerto Ricans are not yet invented. Much less goofy friends, linked to each other only by their tenuous ability to swallow Bella's constant emotional shitstorm.Bella's dad Charlie (Billy Burke) as a picture perfect Chief Swan impressed with his depth and range in the first movie. He is unfortunately relegated to a role of constant unbelievable acceptance of his daughters massive mood swings and acts of rebellion and self-endangerment. While it's possible that most parents are little more effectual than Charlie, it's difficult to swallow that he's both caring and apathetic to what is essentially full blown schizophrenic behavior courtesy of the slightly less stuttery Kristen Stewart.From a male point of view, all the female characters in this movie are beautiful and fairly well acted, however they remain the only people sensibly bundled under what, by contrast, seems like acres of clothing. The females remain simple almost indistinct and generally forgettable, as the focus is clearly on our leading lady and her Olympic sized swimming pool of testosterone resulting from 2 chiseled male competitors. All in all, I would say this movie more effectively delivers the drama of the book than the first and is worth watching and enjoying for either male or females, but it's very obviously directed toward the latter.For those of you that aren't fans of the series, I can summarize the movie in another, more humorous way:The scared-of-blood vampire Edward, watches his girlfriend get a paper cut and breaks up with her, forcing her to gain hallucinogenic highs while cockteasing a werewolf until she attempts suicide, forcing her ex-boyfriend to beg the Italian X-men to kill him, resulting in a high speed chase and culminating in a dick-waving contest between 2 sets of differently toned bodybuilders, which they both inevitably lose because in this twlight/pokemon universe, abstinence is awesome and everyone's pretty much fine with a manic depressive pushing their buttons.So with one review, or the other, I leave you. Probably to either profess your deep hatred for this book/movie series you've never read or watched, or to watch the damn movie again, because the boys are SO cute.I'll be over here vomiting in this bucket, but giving this movie a solid 4 out of 5 stars for some great effects, performances and a pretty well written "Bodice Ripper" come to life.


How I Learned to Stop Hating the French

May 24, 2010

(Or How I conquered Racism, all by myself)

Dear Readers,

Far be it from me to take time on a simple blog to explain my own convoluted ideas, or preconceptions. But one thing I've always hated, as a vague patriot of our unsettled country , is the French. I don't know where my hatred of them stemmed. It could be when I was young and countless people told me Jerry Lewis was funny and I kept not laughing. It could be other people's negative opinions and insights about their lack of military victories, personal hygiene, lack of ethics, etc.

I guess I just never gave it much thought that I had formed opinions of the French on principle. Every traveler I've ever talked to said the French dislike Americans, and I assumed it's perfectly sane to hate them right back. My only real experience with a French person prior to about a year ago was an effeminate coke-head who was my friends roommate named "Stefan". Strangely enough he was actually pretty likable. But then again he literally wore horizontal black and white striped shirts and berets. Is that the US equivalent of a "Wolf" t-shirt in France?

So Stefan didn't strike me as a usable example of the French people. While pleasant enough, he seemed too much of a stereotype to be authentic. My guess is that he bought into US Stereotypes to be funny and fit in, and did coke because it's fun. So I was left continuing with my general ignorance and random dislike of Eiffel Tower, the Arc de Triumph, and anything to do with Quiche.

What really made the turn was this little cafe right downstairs from my work. For the sake of not naming names let's call it "Le Cafe" because the name was similarly unoriginal. It is owned and operated by extremely french people. The owner, the waiters/waitresses, the host, everyone except some of the Mexican bussers were all fluent in French and favored it above English. Most of the time the only words I'd hear from them in English (or American, as my intelligence-divergent fellow patriots call it). Were "what would you like" or "more coffee?".

Then as the restaurant was by my work I'd go every couple weeks and after the fourth or fifth time I put in an appearance there was a world of difference. Suddenly I was greeted by name, given priority to tables, comp'd free coffee etc. At first I put it up to just being a 'regular' but finally I managed to engage some employees in conversation and they explained that they treated strangers like strangers and friends like friends. Since I'd been there, met them, joked with them a little they switched to 'friend' mode. After that, there was no warmer or more friendly people on the planet.

In retrospect, they were rather distant and cold when I first started going there. Making the transition more dramatic in comparison. No one wore a beret, or stripes. They all DID have a knowledge of fine wines, but I think we can give a stereotypical pass since they serve it at the restaurant. Now, just becoming a regular at a French restaurant didn't make me a convert to gay old Paris. I'm sure I'd still be treated like shit in France. It did make me realize that a lot of stereotypes that I would outspokenly debase in public are pretty rampant in my mind.

My history in life didn't include an Anti-Frenchman, Dad didn't hate the French, at least not outspokenly. He was sort of generically racist and never made any attempt to convert me to a particular way of thinking...(To Be Continued....)


Game Review Round-Up!

July 31, 2010

Crotchmail is mainly one person... me. But I play a lot of video games when I'm not generating oodles of hilarious and I've blown through a lot of disappointing games in the last few years.Mostly because no one I know has played them but they sounded interesting and like they might have Promise. If you've played game after game lately and just found yourself bored and disappointed, you can use this list a guide. This Review Round-Up simply hits the salient points of why I did or didn't like a game, or that despite the hype, I simply wasn't impressed or engrossed. Some of these games I didn't enjoy but you might have, this means you are stupid. Let that sink in.Also, don't get me wrong, I can write pages of how much a game sucks (or is great) but this is a Round-Up so one or two lines about each game and why it sucks, or surprisingly doesn't. If you want more reviews or scathing accented critique try zero punctuation, but that takes too damn long, and gives me a headache (the fast talking)

Game Reviews:

Aion Massive Multiplayer Online RPGPremise: The MMO to end all MMO's - Played internationally across millions of users, with super high quality graphics never before seen in an MMORPG, very highly polished interface and systemReality: There is no doubt, this game is incredibly beautiful, an expansion in september promises to move them from the already impressive - if dated - far cry engine, to the psychotically high detail "Crysis" engine. This game will only get more beautiful and amazing to look at. Which will help you while you're endlessly fetching useless pieces of shit for NPC's that don't care. Why is this the formula for a game?! Incredible graphics, and attention to detail and the same bored tired "go kill 20 of these and collect 5 of that" gameplay that is prevalent in EVERY other MMO. There has been NO MMORPG to deviate from this endless boring psuedo-addictive formula that keeps people paying monthly fees to fetch crap and team up with people to fetch crap. Re-think the WHOLE genre, people.Assassin's Creed (1) Free Formed Action/Stealth/Parkour 3rd PersonPremise: With amazing graphics you become "Altair" who is a deadly assassin working for a shadowy brotherhood in an amazingly realistic historical cities of both reality and legend. Using your parkour style skills you scale the city and elude capture while killing those who are chosen to die.Reality: With some weird technological "Framing Device" The developers decided to put a secondary techno-plot onto a medieval assassin's game. It's just utterly unnecessary and serves to break up the already stilted action. The fighting is crap, but there's not enough opportunity to simply always kill by stealth. This game tries to do everything and ends up just looking pretty and being boring as all hell. You will marvel at the detail and movement for the first few missions before it becomes a john grisham novel with a rinse-repeat approach to learning obscure quest details to use in the future for some oblique reason. This game is confusing, slow and generally not worth finishing, let alone putting in more than a rental's amount of time. (RENT IT, Don't buy) - I've heard part 2 is much better but I'm waiting to see if it's true.Borderlands Co-op oriented FPS with Cell shaded graphics and RPG style upgrade systemPremise: In a post apocalyptic wasteland - you and other players can team up to tackle hundreds of missions, buff your characters and choose from 1000's of gun combinations to suit your style.Reality: We don't need 1000's of guns in a game, since they mostly look the same and act the same the effect is minimal. The cell shading graphic technique is great and very well done but the choice for the color palette and environment is terrible. It's an endless brown/grey drab wasteland with huge stretches of nothing at all. Far from Fallout who does it right, the arcadey co-op oriented gameplay takes away any semblance of atmosphere and loneliness that might otherwise be present by the overly massive environment. It's a high concept game that essentially falls flat. Which is a shame, it has a great style and all the right elements. But the focus is all wrong and eventually you're just level grinding and doing endless fetch quests. I simply DO NOT care if an NPC needs to build a hut, or potion, or gun, or brain transplanting machine. The humor in the game saves it from being a total fail, but once again I'd say the stretch of a Rental is more than enough time to experience all you'll ever need. (RENT)Crysis Ultra Detailed FPS with Elements of Stealth/ActionPremise: Building on the open world lush-jungle environment of Far Cry, a brand new game engine brings a whole new level of immersion coupled with impressive physics and cinematic shootouts and boss fights.Reality: This has been out a while, and not all the games I'm reviewing are remotely new, just the only things that sounded worth mentioning recently. Crysis is a solid win in a field of overpopulated pretty FPS games. It's suit system that allows you to free change between super speed, stealth, armor, or strength adds a ton of adrenaline and excitement to a stale format. The graphics are nothing short of breathtaking and the plot, while slightly blaise, is well paced and the game is quite challenging. This is a game worth playing and owning and going back to later.Elder Scrolls 4: Oblivion Graphic Intense open world RPG environment, do anything, be anything, save the world.Premise: Undertake a sweeping saga in a massive environment in the style of a classic RPG brought to life. Train in any number of skills to be the kind of player you WANT to be, mage, rogue, archer, scoundrel, nice guy. And save the world.Reality. With some amazing graphics and a well done starter to this game it takes off fairly well. But you'd better hope you're completely hooked after the first two hours, or you are in for a long bumpy ride. After learning that the very gates of hell are opening up and the king is dead leaving you with an important mission. You are then simply dropped on a farm somewhere to 'figure it out' it's not that hard to simply follow your cues and the plot but the massive environment ends up working against you. You will simply run and run and run for hours, eventually getting a horse only slightly pares down this incessant travelling with nothing but the occasional wild animal to fight and beautiful vistas to watch, it seems pointless. There should NOT be 20 minutes of holding "Forward" in any game, PERIOD. Later on when you teleport around more effectively the game is still bogged down by too many side quests drawing you away from any kind of plot completion. It's a game to simply get lost in for hundreds of hours becoming a god, or to really not bother with. I think this one is about 50/50 depending on how into the RPG mindset you are and how strong your "W" key finger is.That's Part 1 of our Round Up with many more to come. Here's some of the other games we'll be covering (and you can comment to request your own review if you'd like)Coming Soon: FEAR 2Fallout 3FUELGRIDHazen: The Dark WhispersLeft 4 DeadSerious Sam HDShadowgroundsStreet Fighter IVTorchlightZeno Clash


Chloroform Flavored Tequila

July 28, 2010

WeaselBringer lolIsn't that what the chloroform is for?I just had a lightbulbChloroform flavored tequila....Strikerhmm.. interesting, but I think you actually have it backwardstequila flavored chloroform.. no one would drink tequila if it smells like chloroformso you would loose out on both the drunk and the drugged benefitshowever, it would be easy to buy a chick a shot of "tequilla"only to have them realize, moments too late, that it was chloroformWeaselBringercouldn't you just put chloroform in a shot glass and hand it to them?In order to smell it, they'd already loseMaybe we need something more crafty, like chloroform coated rosesStrikerI like the chloroform in a shot glass idea... we could save on chloroform toojust keep reusing that same shotglass over and overwhat if the women don't smell roses? it would suck if they put your potential anal sex into a vase for two weeks until it diedWeaselBringerCome to think of it... where the hell do you BUY the stuff?StrikerI'm going to go with "internet"WeaselBringerChad's Discount Date-Rape EmporiumStrikerunless you were talking about roses, in which case a floristI just checked, sadly there is no "discount date rape emporium" online... owned by chad or anyone elsedamn!WeaselBringerThat's chad's other businessI think we could make a killing with chloroform corsages


Make a Bathroom Break Last Forever

June 29, 2010

In some of my more slacker days, I've worked a lot of corporate/office jobs. And as any good cubicle veteran can tell you; The bathroom is your friend.I'm going to explain how to make a simple bathroom break, take up to an hour of your day, while avoiding work AND suspicion.First off it's best to explain that the bathroom is sacrosanct, it's a place we have been taught to not mention, not talk about and not go into detail about. Sure a lot of us read, surf the web, text, or what-have-you, but we do not talk about our 'business' especially at work. This is what works to your advantage.A simple straightforward bathroom break can take 2-5 minutes, just getting up, walking there, performing your task and coming back is generally a pretty quick and easy affair, but there's so much more you can tack on to make this this take forever, getting you away from your desk, boss, responsibilities and accountability for huge chunks of the day. Here's how it breaks down.Step 1: The preparation. For this step we'll assume that you work at a desk with a computer. We'll go over the details.

  • Stand Up: This seems simple but it gives the impression that you're about to leave or just arriving, most people see you standing at your desk they assume you're halfway completed with something or about to leave.
  • Click, Click, Click: Lean back down to your computer, someone who only has time to lean into their computer is obviously busy and on their way somewhere. Now that we're down here, take some time to do some very simple things. Save your documents, check your email (especially to see if the boss has made a request), close any questionable windows, don't minimize, CLOSE. There's plenty of snooping managers that won't balk at glancing at your computer to see if you're up to anything you shouldn't be. Be sure to put something work related and half-complete on the screen, implying you'll be right back.
  • Stretch: Now that you've prepped your computer do a full stretch, the idea here is that it add precious seconds to the forever-break. It's normal to see that you are stretching as ergonomics and general workplace health is something we all have been taught is important. It could also be interpreted that you are just getting up to stretch and might sit back down
  • H2Obfuscate: Place a water glass prominently on your desk, empty of all water, this will come into play later.

Step 2: The tripNow that you've committed to actually heading to the bathroom the chase is on.

  • The longest journey: depending on the size of your office this can be useful or not, I've worked one place where the bathroom is 20 feet from my desk and other places where it's an actual trip across the building that can take up to 1-3 minutes to walk there. If you have a large office space, plot out a walking trip that takes the longest journey there. If you can avoid the bosses desk/office with this journey as well, all the better. Either way, walk slow, steady and with a firm eye forward that says "I know where I'm headed, and it's important".
  • Non Essential Personell: This can depend on if you are okay with small talk or even like your co-workers. I don't usually but they can be useful. Always wave and grin at anyone who is totally no threat to you. It will make you seem friendly and open up countless opportunities to stop and catch up for a second. It's not ideal to get caught chatting all the time, so the key is to exchange a sentence or two and then say "I'm buried in work right now, but I'll hit you up about that later" this way if you're overheard, it's saying that are "Busy".

Step 3: The ZoneNow you've entered the inner sanctum that is the bathroom. There are a few key things to know

  • King of the Hill: Choose the biggest stall they have, if there's a handicapped stall, take that one, if there is a stall in the corner / against a wall, take that one. The less neighbors and notice the better. Obviously it's important that you MUST have a stall, if there are none available simply wait patiently for one to become available which add vital time.
  • It's always TWO: You might be wondering what to do if you 'only have to pee' (assuming you're a male). The answer is simple. You don't. You have to shit. You're uncomfortable with how badly you need to crap. That is the message you give EVERY time there's a bathroom trip. There is NO such thing as a urinal, because they are simply over too quickly. The beauty of this is of course, that NO ONE can argue otherwise, only you know when you need to go and what kind.
  • The business: You know how to perform your functions of course, but even if you do, there's a few things to know. Always sit on the toilet and don't wander around the stall, its surprisingly easy to recognize someone by their shoes or walk, so just keep it simple okay? Bring your cellphone or a small paperback that can fit unobtrusively in your pocket, get your read on. Space out. Whatever it is that makes the time pass.
  • Timing is Everything: Now that you've gone into the bathroom, you have to assume you have been seen entering and may be seen leaving. The issue here is that you simply can't just stay inside all day long. I'd say you want to keep things between 9 and 15 minutes absolute max. If you make more than one trip in a day, make the second one about 5-7 max. You may feel that you can get away with a lot more, and you probably can, but the idea here is not to raise suspicion and to be able to do this almost EVERY day if needed. Regardless of how you burn up the time in the bathroom, just stick to the minutes.

Step 4: The Return and DoublebackHere comes the best part from step one. You left your water glass on your desk, empty. Here's what to do

  • The Way Home: Now you're walking back, take the long route, exchange a few smiles and waves. It helps to be seen as friendly and busy. As soon as you reach your desk, pick up your glass of water, smack your forehead. Don't SAY anything, it's obvious, just look like you forgot to get water, and then, go get water. This provides a second and possibly lengthy trip, either to the kitchen, water cooler, or bathroom, whichever is furthest away has the 'best water'.
  • Now your trip is mainly complete, you can try some advanced techniques like the "Return Stretch" where you stretch a second time upon returning. Also remember to immediately check for emails and messages to see if you missed anything, always respond to these immediately to minimize your return time. Don't apologize or explain for taking so long, unless it's asked, which brings us to...

Step 5: Evasive ManueversThe time may come where your lengthy trip(s) to the water closet may get some undue attention and your boss will cross all boundaries of logic and morality and actually ask you about the time taken to do so. Don't panic, there's ways to handle this as well.If you get a message, email, voicemail or anything other than a direct confrontation, you'll have to do something against your instincts. Make it personal. Don't apologize or explain unless you are face to face. Ask to see them in private, and explain that you're terribly embarrassed but that you suffer from intermittent "Irritable Bowel Syndrome" and that you take medication to alleviate this problem, but occasionally forget or miss a pill. Essentially you want to flip the scenario from "you're being grilled" to the grill-ee. Make your boss as uncomfortable as possible, explain that it's been an issue for several years, that normally it's very manageable. That you're very sorry it's affected your performance and you endeavor to not have it be an issue again. The more lengthy and painful and uncomfortable you can make this talk, the more likely it is that this will NEVER come up again.It's very likely that this will never come up if you follow the above rules. Act happy, and busy, and break up your break into tiny manageable pieces that you can add or discard on the fly. Also try to take bathroom breaks at random times so that you don't have a routine. Follow all these rules and you too can have a 1 Hour Bathroom Break.Enjoy Slackers!


Dad Didn’t Beat Me Once…

July 14, 2010

When I was about 15 or 16 I went to a school dance in Cloverdale. Cloverdale has a population of about 3000 (or it did at the time) and was the very definition of Podunk. I had been invited there by a girl named Stephanie, who I was fairly certain was going to let me "Ride the light fantastic" as the kids say (what kids say that?) This being about all the motivation I needed to venture 3 cities away to the boondocks of Cloverdale, away I went.

Summer was about to start. The weather, always a little warmer in Cloverdale anyway, was balmy but not terribly unpleasant. Stephanie told me that her and several friends were all going to the dance, and that we were going to leave early, get drunk and then crash at her mom's house. It sounded like a plan to me.We arrived at the dance about 8pm and made our way to the front door. I stopped when I saw my old school friend John who had moved up this way. We talked of whatever it is 16 year old boys talk about, firecrackers, guns, vaginas, and liquor, in a very serious sober tone, as if these things were not only common, but sacred. As John and I caught up on being adolescents, I started to hear shouting near the door of the gym where the dance was held.

Kaitlyn was sort of an ex-girlfriend, it's a whole different complicated story to explain that, but basically we dated for about 2 months and she dumped me. We had sex once, and she had tremendous gravity defying tits and a build like a linebacker. She was not a small girl. She was, cute, and sexy, but she also had broad shoulders and had an inch of height on me. In all fairness, she probably could have kicked my (or your) ass.

Well Kaitlyn decided, by Cloverdale rules, that I was off-limits to her friends, which unbeknownst to me, included Stephanie. So she stopped her at the door and started threatening to "Kick her fucking whore ass all over the baseball field.".

Sure the energy of having two attractive girls fight over me was a bit of a rush, but I quickly realized that Stephanie was my better chance of getting laid tonight and almost guaranteed to lose, as she was "slender" and "soft" in a very different way that Kaitlyn was "firm" and "dangerous". I quickly put a stop to everything by apologizing for no reason whatsoever, and in the confusion... dragging Stephanie away with 5 friends in tow.We were young and energetic and didn't let this get us down, we merely opted to up the timeline on our "Get Drunk and Fuck Around" plan. Her friend magically came up with a huge gallon bottle of Black Velvet™ Whiskey and whispered conspiratorially

"We're going drinking, down by the Crick.".

About this time I started to feel like a bit of a hick, but shrugged and took it all good naturedly. We hiked for 30-40 minutes to a remote location at said Cloverdale Crick and settled down for some serious fuck-uppery. Being 16, horny and relatively invincible, I decided my first order of business was to show how well I can chug Black Velvet. Which come to find out, is fairly decently. We passed the bottle around several times and the 6 of us broke off into couples and commenced pubescent activities. Due to my uncanny good judgement, the whiskey reduced my shyness but blotted out most of my memory of the following hour or two. I loudly assured everyone that would listen that "Drank this shit all the time" and then settled down with Stephanie for some heavy kissing and under-the-shirt nirvana.

Some time passed....As the giant bottle neared it's final few inches of life, a bright flashlight suddenly sprang to life about 30 feet from where our group was congregating. Not sure at first who might be trying to blind us, we loudly and hilariously called the owner of the flashlight names like "fucker" and "you piece of shit" and asked repeatedly who it was. It turned out to be Officer Sendrick who had a reputation for being a hard-ass in that neck of the woods. He was largely unamused by our situation, age, and language.He angrily dumped the whiskey out in front of us and started barking questions. Not being a local, sober, or sure if I was dreaming or not, I mostly stayed quiet. Eventually our angry law enforcer decided he'd heard all he needed to hear. Stephanie claimed we were all staying at her moms' house and so we were packed into 2 squad cars and led to her suburban track home.

The mood was tense and everyone was staring at each other, asking silently how bad it was going to be.

We arrived at Stephanie's house and waited while the cop and her mother exchanged a few angry shouts, none of which concerned me. By this time my adrenaline was at a level reserved for racing horses on steroids, and I was wondering if there was ANY way to avoid having this get back to my parents. To make a long, and let's be honest, drunken story short. We were informed that everyone could stay there and spend the night and that Stephanie's mom would tell their parents the following day, except me. Since I have never met Stephanie's mom, I'll refer to her as "That fucking bitch". So that fucking bitch said she didn't know me and there was no way I was staying at her house. Stephanie was a trooper and pleaded greatly but alas, I was the only one shoved back into the squad car.

By this time it's about 1-2am and I'm being hustled into the Cloverdale police station. I'm given a breathalyzer that shows that I am apparently made partially of Whiskey. Then placed into the cell they use as a drunk tank. The cop comes to inform me that they need to call my parents. The conversation went a little like this."We need to call your parents" Officer Sendrick says with barely concealed authority-based rage."Please don't call my parents" I pleaded with barely concealed terror."We need to call or a Windsor Police Officer will have to go to your house and wake them up" he threatened.Thinking myself clever, I gave them my personal phone number at home that just went to a machine in my room. They dialed 3 times and came right back to my cell.Officer Sendrick was getting annoyed "We can't reach your parents"."Oh well, I guess we'll have to try again in the morning, they're definitely asleep" I said with a glimmer of hope.

He shook his head, in a slow hope-destroying manner. "Nope, we'll have Windsor PD wake them up"

I hurriedly gave them the right number, which also ended in failure. Eventually they were forced to actually have a Windsor cop beat on my parents door for up to about 10 minutes which woke up my parents, my sisters, the cat, a few of the neighbors and possibly Jimmy Hoffa.As I lay in the cell, debating the positives and negatives of vomiting whiskey in a jail toilet, I was tersely informed that my father was on his way to get me. It being around 3am by this time. I slowly and methodically re-lived the better parts of the evening and prepared myself to die.Not that Dad was a monster or anything, but he had a temper. He also got up at 5am to work and wasn't adverse to a fairly severe beating if the circumstances called for it.

My parents were also big fans of grounding. Judging by the severity of the whole situation, I figured I had roughly 7 lifespans of grounded and possibly 3-4 harsh beatings coming my way. That being the positive view. As it was also theoretically possible I would be killed out of hand or simply dismissed from the family in a field somewhere to wander the earth family-less.

All these possibilities and more went through my head, when I got up for the 100th time to look through the tiny mesh-wire and glass window of my cell, down a long hallway to the outer door, where I locked eyes with my dad. From 100 feet away we both saw each other and sized up the situation. He looked tired, annoyed, I probably looked like the cover of a horror movie, or that famous "Scream" painting by Dali.

He exchanged some words with Officer Heartless-Bastard and then without a word, ushered me to the car. Back then dad was driving a huge old 68 Lincoln Continental which gave us about 30 feet to sit apart from each other in the front seat. While we sat on our separate sides of the car, with an ocean of patent leather between us, I couldn't look at him, or say anything. I just stared out at the dark freeway, starting to see the first inklings of daylight creep over the horizon. I think I briefly fooled myself into thinking I was someone else, somewhere else, and this was a pleasant trip to somewhere other than hell.

A long time passed, it popped into my head that he had already had quite a drive to come get me. But I was too frozen with terror to mention it, or anything else. Finally after 20 minutes of dead silence he grunted at me.

"So, you were drinking huh? "

I nodded, realizing that probably wasn't enough, I swallowed my parched tongue and mumbled "Yup".

"How much did you have?" he asked almost offhandedly .I shrugged, and told him the number on the breathalyzer, the car swerved briefly. He just shook his head and kept driving. Another few minutes went by, and suddenly he got off the exit for Healdsburg. This was several miles short of our home destination and my body immediately tensed. Was this where the murder took place? Was this where Adam Aragon ended and a lengthy investigation into a violent crime began?

He pulled up to the Circle K, all with no words or explanation. He got out of the car. I waited.I waited... Wondering if he needed rope or bungee cord, possibly some lye, a tarpaulin and a machete to finish the deed. He finally returned with some junk food, he handed me a small chocolate ding-dong and a carton of milk. He had a soda and some crumbly pastry. Not a word was spoken, he simply handed me the food, and continued driving. I tentatively ate the food and drank the milk, looking for every angle. A last meal maybe?We approached the house, with about 5 minutes remaining on our drive and he said to me "Your mom's pretty upset".

"I know" I nodded sagely, she was likely quite upset.

He nodded too, "I'm pretty tired". I nodded in return again, only grateful that this hadn't turned to bloodshed yet. He continued on "I'm going to go talk to your mother, you just go in and go to bed okay?"

"Okay" I mumbled.

I couldn't figure out what was happening, my mind was still full of potential punishments and ways this could turn very bad for me."Also," he cleared his throat "I beat the shit out of you"."Huh?" was my confused reply.He spoke more clearly and precisely "I, beat, the, shit, out, of, you.".Still lost of a fog of Black Velvet™ and terror, I shook my head, confused. "What?"He sighed and his eyes rolled back, he finally responded with "Don't make me actually DO it" and slowly inclined his head, as if to say, are we catching on yet?"Oh" I replied, suddenly the full realization hit me "OH! Yes, yes you did, beat the shit out of me".He sighed again and pulled into the driveway. We both got out of the car and he pointed to my room. Then stalked inside to tell Mom what happened.

I crept into my room, pulled back my covers and slipped into a troubled but grateful sleep. Still confused as to what happened. Later that day around 10am Mom knocked on my door. I sat up and said "Come in" putting an appropriately hang-dog look on my face.Mom came in almost shyly and sat at the foot of my bed. She patted my leg and said, "Now I know your father was pretty hard on you" She inspected my face for bruises. "I'm sorry that it happened but you know that you made a huge mistake last night" I nodded, slightly puzzled at her conciliatory tone.

Then it hit me... Dad beat the shit out me. He didn't of course, but he told Mom he was "pretty rough" on me and may have "gone overboard" on the beating and punishment. Mom was more scared about my wellbeing than the fact that I'd been brought home from a jail cell for drinking and debauchery. I affected a limp and sad expression for a few days. Mom gave me the bare minimum of punishment (grounded for the weekend) and basically treated me like a king for the weekend anyway.

Dad covered for me, not only that, but he didn't mention it again. I went from facing the biggest punishment of my teenage career to getting off totally free, aside from a hangover and the endless waves of fear I experienced. In retrospect, the fear and expectation were probably plenty of punishment enough, and my Dad probably knew that, no stranger to the mind-fuck was he.But I'll never forget, years later, even after he's passed away and we had our share of anger and love since then, that time that Dad didn't beat the shit out of me.Thanks Dad.


Obscure Love Metaphors and Similes

July 6, 2010

Special thanks to Sean "SicSemper" Beering

  • My love for you is geometrically greater than my love for math
  • My love for you is mainly derived from the essence of domesticated pets
  • My heart fills with fluid causing a seizure every time you are near
  • You make me as Rational as Pi
  • You corrupt my logic Sub-Program
  • We will smash together like pornography made inside the Large Hadron Collider in Geneva.
  • Our flesh will intertwine like Jeff Goldlums body fused with the DNA of a fly in that fateful movie
  • I will take you out on a date so hard your body will suffer the bends from excessive g-forces.
  • Our love makes as much sense as a sudoku puzzle done by one of the chimps from that flight simulation movie.
  • Every word you speak is like a butterfly, drinking my soul
  • If you were a dinosaur, you'd be a sexysaurus
  • If you were a smoothie, you'd be ginseng and wonderful
  • If you were a poisonous flower, I would make cakes from your venom and poison anyone who ever looked at you.
  • Your face is like a barracuda hunting my heart
  • My urge for you is like a blender on Frappe
  • Our lust is like a rednecks bonfire, raging into the old barn that missy stuffed with hay after she got mule-kicked.
  • Your smell is as intoxicating as 27 republicans on a bender and burying a hooker they killed with a nylon ligat.
  • Living a day without you is like Lindsay Lohan being sober, rare and terrible.
  • Your voice is like Siren's superpower from X-Men, but it only works on my willpower.
  • My legs open for you like Torsion springs designed to do so.

Write in your own and I'll add them to the article :)


I Fall in Love with Strippers

March 25, 2010

A lot of people probably say they fall in love with strippers. After all, any single guy wandering into the smoky den of the strippers gets undue attention, surrounded by beautiful women and treated probably nicer than any girl has ever treated them.But I don't fall for them, I realize their amazing and random interest in me is totally based in their need for my dirty wad of cash. I simply have a strange and backwards reaction to strippers in general. I empathize with them. Some would theorize this would result from my treatment of women in general. I basically act like I'm constantly at a strip club when I'm everywhere but a strip club. I hug girls and objectify them and generally make a lovable asshole of myself.Somehow this trips the reverse reaction in me when I'm confronted with women that objectify themselves, hit on me, and go out of their way to sit on my lap and show me their tits. I feel bad for them. I want to buy them coffee and learn about their lives. I want to give them a jacket and believe the best about their situation. To be honest I don't fully understand it. Maybe it's because I can sense their fake sales attitude and realize that each one of them is struggling to make money by lying.They aren't really interested in me, or the 200 other guys that blow through there in a night. I guess I feel more pity for a girl who has to pretend to like a guy than a girl who pretends not to like a guy, which is so often the case. Sometimes the worst is when they are bad at it. In fact I usually avoid strippers that are good at their job. If they seem very at ease and quick on the draw I'm usually turned off instantly, because I know I'm about to get hustled, and that it will probably work if I relax for a minute.No it's the girls who seem to not know quite what to do, or why they are there. They are probably worried that I'll be creepy and overly drunk or forward. My heart immediately reaches out to them and makes me want to just give them 20 dollars to take a break and understand that all men aren't evil.It's probably a little patronizing, to assume that a lot of strippers are people to pity or feel sorry for. Some would probably hate me for what I've written so far. It's some combination of being sexist, sensitive, misogynistic and inherently kind. I just find myself conflicted and strippers to be fascinating. Because they're real people, almost universally beautiful, acting as fake as they possibly can. They are basically paid to be nude retail actors. Selling a product, convincing you it's worth it and overcharging like hell.It's also been theorized that people that go to strip clubs fall into very few categories. Lonely and degenerate men who cannot see a girl naked any other way. Lonely men who are celebrating degrading women, or lonely men who have too much money and are travelling. While I think that the majority of these are true, I find myself trying to categorize myself. I'm not particularly lonely, I have a girlfriend. She doesn't particularly mind me going to see naked women, understanding that this is, for men, basically a fashion show, makeup sale and disturbing gossip all rolled into one.I'm not trying to sleep with them, I'm not willing to spend ridiculous amounts of money, and I'm probably the last person that they actually want to talk to, since I'm cheap and sensitive to being hustled. Yet I go and actually do engage them in conversation, which they are happy to do because they think it will lead to them getting me to pay them. Most find out in 30 seconds or less that I'm not really going to give them hundreds of dollars to prance in front of me for 5-10 minutes. But a few actually relax and engage me in conversation with a fervor that's surprising. Once the sales pitch is over and if there's nothing else going on, a lot of strippers are happy to start talking about their day or problems. Which are often varied and complex.This evokes in me a sense of empathy, interest and a genuine urge to improve their day. This is probably a side effect of them being beautiful and right in front of my face. So the question remains, am I just victim to a pretty face, and tight with my money. Or do I somehow relate to the plight of people who force themselves to be fake and appear attractive to get by in life? I'm not pretty enough to be a stripper and there's not much call for male strippers in the same context, but I get the feeling that, if I could, I would be a stripper. Maybe if I were female.I have to admit, this is all more of a train of thought than a clear direction. The only conclusion I can draw from this is that I secretly want to be a stripper, a woman, beautiful and objectified. Since I remain unable to do so and painfully heterosexual, I guess I will lock this deep into my psyche along with my conflicted feelings about my family and embarrasing sexual episodes during my teenage years (and beyond). Then I'll go home and kiss my girlfriend, high-five my best male buddy, crack open a corona and think about video games.The difference between men and women, is that this kind of stuff probably lingers with women. I'm such a fucker.


Strange Baby Names

July 6, 2010

My good friend God "The Lord" Stockton is apparently spawning a child, I think his wife is involved as well, but to be honest I don't like to pry into the mysteries of nature, there are traps, like in the temple of doom.Since I heard the news the question came up, what's the name? I thought I might help. The Last name here I'll call the boy's last name "Stockton" and the Girls last name "Hill" but insert your own last name and add your own suggestion.

Boy Names:

  1. Damien Beezelbub Stockton
  2. Doombringer Bloodrinker Stockton
  3. Chad Rockbiter Stockton
  4. Froderick Frankensteen Stockton
  5. Professor X Stockton
  6. Stockton Stockton Stockon
  7. Truth Justice Stockton
  8. Monty Python Stockton
  9. Gohd Dahm Stockton
  10. Johnny Science Stockton
  11. Highlander "Therecanbeonlyone" Stockton
  12. Frodo Bilbo Stockton

Girl Names: Using Gods wife's last name of "Hill"

  1. Girl Woman Hill
  2. Sheba "Chosen One" Hill
  3. Rogue Operative Hill
  4. Sally Poledancer Hill
  5. Vixen Viola Hill
  6. Shiva Summons Hill
  7. Jersey Lawyer Hill
  8. Xen Ninja Hill
  9. Xena Warrior Princess Hill
  10. Shadow Hibiscus Hill

I'm very much expecting at least one of these to be used, in the event of an emergency or transgendered / hermaphrodite child, I'll go with "Twoolah Baskins Stockton-Hill"

Will update if they take my obviously superior suggestions to heart, be sure to add your own suggestions in the comments! (Congrats to God & Amanda)


New Book Release (CrotchMail: The Reckoning) !!

February 17, 2010

About the author:Adam Aragon is the uncouth and deranged author of and several other blogs, websites, and tv and theatre projects. He hails from Sonoma County and he really likes Sushi.More information available at

CrotchMail: The Reckoning

A Boy and his Blog

Add to Cart

By Adam A Aragon CrotchMail is the hilarious and Non-Award Winning Blog of Adam Aragon. It runs the gauntlet from dirty, to weird, to geeky and back to offensive and off-color. Completely insane and unapologetically racy, this is a collection of essays and articles from the Very Best of CrotchMail and it's particular brand of Humor.

Publication Date: Feb 17 2010 ISBN/EAN13: 1450555969 / 9781450555968 Page Count: 92 Binding Type: US Trade Paper Trim Size: 5" x 8" Language: English Color: Black and White Related Categories: Humor / Form / Essays


The Aberration on Holly Street (HP Lovecraft Fan Fiction)

February 9, 2017
I dared my friend Alex "Prozac" Cohen to write an HP Lovecraft Fan Fiction story in 20 minutes and the son of a bitch did it.

Do Enjoy this dark and Lovecraftian Short story! 

The Aberration on Holly Street

A lifetime of various trials, failures and fortuitous relationships settled me into a uniquely engrossing and well-suited career option four years ago; in my discussions with friends and family I describe myself as a chronicler of the human condition.

In truth I report and summarize incidents for an insurance broker. It is an occupation that has presented to me the frail and mercurial human condition in all its forms. In these last four years I have written on incidents that would surely disturb the minds of many. However, as an uninvolved party, I have taken careful consideration to avoid allowing these events to affect my own mind, and more importantly the work itself. As such I have grown numb to many of the horrors mankind inflicts upon itself, which I’m sure you can imagine on your own.

However, my most recent casefile has cast my put-on bravado into doubt. No longer do I carry the self-assurance of one whose only role it is to record these incidents factually and without bias. No longer do I believe that the darkness within the human spirit, which I have studiously logged, is entirely the fault of our baser instincts. Following the incident at 172 Holly Street, I will freely admit, and proclaim to the world, that there is a force pressing down upon us that drives us to these actions and that we will never fully understand. My colleagues have pleaded with me to avoid interjecting my own belief into these reports. I cast those concerns aside. I will never file another report and indeed wish to avoid all human contact for as long as my days remain. I would pray that not many days remain, and perhaps this can be attributed to the fever that has struck me upon learning more about this last incident, but I no longer am sure who might be listening to our prayers.

Perhaps this seems dramatic. There was a time not long ago I would have laughed at such assertions as well. But once you have come to learn of Adam Stevens and his role in the 172 Holly Street fire, the great hero Adam Stevens, perhaps you will come to feel as I have.

The first thing I noticed, after coming upon the scene at the dreaded address, were the balloons. Deflated, singed, and ever-present, they covered the yard with a grotesque, overwhelming smell of burnt plastic. I had often logged the aftermath of arson and each time the smell was similar – charred wood and stripped paint. However, it was evident that the comically large amount of balloons strewn across the lawn had taken the place of this familiar scent. A birthday party, luxuriously decorated and overstated to a lunatic degree, had placed them everywhere across the house. All colors and shapes, strewn across every part of the decadent front lawn, must have created a wondrous site and guaranteed a festive atmosphere. I would come to learn that they also overwhelmed the house. It is possible, and I could have discovered more if I had the stomach, that the decorations had played some part in the rapid spread of the blaze.

It is worth sharing now that the mortality rate in this incident, given all that was at risk, was low; ultimately, only Steven Adams and one child, William Abner, remain unaccounted for. The celebration was apparently attended by over 60 people, the young friends of William (who house and birthday it was) and their parents. Much of the evidence and information-gathering I presented in this report come from their accounts, gathered slowly and painstakingly after the incident, in which many remained and watched the framework of the home slowly disintegrate.

None could account for the start of the fire, or how they knew to exit the house. Too, none could recall seeing Steven Adams at or near the ruinous party beforehand. He was no neighbor, either – other evidence has confirmed he lived in a nearby town in no convenient proximity.

And yet all accounts of his heroism point to some sort of advanced knowledge of the event. The consensus viewpoint, from many of the adults present, is that while they gathered and waited outside the house for emergency services, Steven Adams bolted through the crowd and with no hesitation whatsoever sprinted directly into the burning house. It has been said even that he pushed a small child facedown into the lawn, in his haste to enter the building. Who was this man, I was asked by each of the witnesses. Indeed he was a mystery to them, and in particular Mr. and Mrs. Abner who evidently left their child behind in the house. Later evidence indicates he was relatively plain, possessing a frame that seemed almost sickly in its thin and unbalanced nature, paired with a far above average height. Multiple times, it was noted to me that he was not a graceful runner. Given the circumstances, which could favorably be describe as panic-inducing, his lankiness and urgency crated a noticeably odd running gait. As well, his cavalier treatment of the child in his path, whom he had little trouble brushing aside, was not described as a natural motion. If not for his obviously heroic intentions, it could have appeared intentional and distressing, bore the account of one witness.Regardless, Steven Adams had little trouble making his way into the building, which of course is where reliable witness ends. However, there are certain facts that we can confirm from this point forward, and while not public knowledge, they are each more disturbing than the last.

And yet all accounts of his heroism point to some sort of advanced knowledge of the event. The consensus viewpoint, from many of the adults present, is that while they gathered and waited outside the house for emergency services, Steven Adams bolted through the crowd and with no hesitation whatsoever sprinted directly into the burning house. It has been said even that he pushed a small child facedown into the lawn, in his haste to enter the building. Who was this man, I was asked by each of the witnesses. Indeed he was a mystery to them, and in particular Mr. and Mrs. Abner who evidently left their child behind in the house. Later evidence indicates he was relatively plain, possessing a frame that seemed almost sickly in its thin and unbalanced nature, paired with a far above average height. Multiple times, it was noted to me that he was not a graceful runner. Given the circumstances, which could favorably be describe as panic-inducing, his lankiness and urgency crated a noticeably odd running gait. As well, his cavalier treatment of the child in his path, whom he had little trouble brushing aside, was not described as a natural motion. If not for his obviously heroic intentions, it could have appeared intentional and distressing, bore the account of one witness.

Regardless, Steven Adams had little trouble making his way into the building, which of course is where reliable witness ends. However, there are certain facts that we can confirm from this point forward, and while not public knowledge, they are each more disturbing than the last.

The first great evil that I came upon is that after easily opening the front door of 172 Holly street, Steven Adams appears to have bolted the door behind in, preventing the intrusion of any other parties and potentially even his own escape. His motivations at this point are not clear but given that the door was found still bolted upon examination of the wreckage, his responsibility is certain.

The second item that confused me, and indeed would confuse anyone, relates to the unfortunate Mr. William Abner, very newly aged 12. His remains were found up the staircase that originated from the front entryway, and he had evidently either become wedged and partially trapped, his leg pinned down by a small piece of the ceiling. His placement upon the staircase was without question visible from the front entryway and now, unconscionably, I am forced to believe that Steven Adams could not have failed to notice the young gentlemen. And yet, his path through the house continued along the first floor, ignoring the child in dire need of an adult’s strength to escape his trappings and subsequently the blazing structure.Evidence exhumed from the home’s remains has painted a clearer path of Steven Adams path – through the first floor, through a small kitchen door and down into the home’s basement. A direct path, speaking to an advance knowledge of the house or some critical need to enter the basement. From whence the flames originated? It is difficult to confirm, but an open possibility.Who was this man, who had such knowledge of the house and such disregard for the well-being of small children? The papers and official reports count him as a good Samaritan, but at this point I could not say. I know that no report speaks of what else was found in the basement, or if it does the records have been changed. I know I hesitate greatly in scribing it even here. The answer is simple, to the extent that I must be considered mad for even elaborating upon them, but the charred remains of a humanoid statue were the only notable findings in that darkened underground dwelling. A dark, melted mass that has pooled into the earthen floor of the basement. It is impossible to say what it once resembled, but certainly nothing human, despite its relatively large standing – over five feet tall in its original form, although melted down it had taken on an elongated facsimile of a man. Stretched, melted into an obscene mockery of the human form that mirrored Steven Adams own reflection of a typical human shape. Still hot to the touch, when investigated, and seemingly still in motion, when looked at through the very edges of my vision.It was not, of course, Mr. Adams himself. He too was found in the basement, burnt as any man in his position would be. Curled over, and in fact kneeling before the icon itself, they suffered their fate together, and all while young William Adler took his last breath.iii.I have been told that I am reading too much into things. That the stress of my position has led to misinterpretations. And yet I am convinced that my reading of the day’s events is, if uninformed, not wholly inaccurate. It is my wholehearted belief that the statue in the Holly house basement in some way caused the rapid blaze with the express intent to stomp out the joyous celebration taking place above it. How, I do not know. And how it was ultimately foiled, I cannot say. But when it became clear that no great act of mayhem was to take place, Steven Adams was called somehow and made of himself an additional sacrifice.

Theory alone – but as a God-fearing man the existence of such an entity has instilled in me a sense of dread and curiosity that cannot be sated. I submit this report now standing outside the home of Steven Adams and well-equipped to make illegal entry. I do so now at the risk of myself, this is I understand and commit to! But I do as a man who must know more about the forces that compel us. That draw us in and make games of our mortal lives. I have questioned, in my preparation for this home invasion, whether I am being summoned myself, but I can pay that no mind. I must know more. And so I conclude these writings, admitting fully to all guilt, and hope to return shortly to update my findings, no matter what horrors I may stumble upon in the dead man’s home.


Generate a letter to a friend

August 9, 2017 has created an online Job Application that you will absolutely love (or hate) either way, you'll have feelings. Loading...


Easter themed movie sequels?

April 12, 2020

Easter Themed Movie Sequels?

  • Captain Jesus 2: The Spring Soldier
  • Son of the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
  • Jesus 2: The Re-bourne Ultimatum
  • 2 Christian 2 Furious
  • Jesus knows what you did Last Summer
  • Jesus's Twelve
  • Resident Messiah: Afterlife
  • Magic Jesus XXL
  • Jesus-nator 2: Judgement Day
  • The Roman Empire Strikes Back
  • Jesus & Judas's Bogus Journey
  • Jesus Up 2: The Streets
  • A Very Christian Sequel
  • Jesus: First Blood Part 2
  • Jesus Act 2: Back in the Habit
  • Teenage Christian Ninja Bunnies: The Secret of the Egg
  • Live Free or Worship Hard
  • Christian Slickers 2: The Legend of Curlys Gold
  • The Always Ending Story II: The Next Chapter
  • Pray Hard - With a Vengeance
  • Jesus Jones and the Promised Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
  • Rise of the Planet of the Meek
  • Okay I'm spent...


Headboard Jessica

September 15, 2010

(Note: the Names of some people have been changed to protect the no longer innocent)(Also Note: This story is graphic, sexually disturbing and awesome, please turn away NOW if you're faint of heart, over 40 or religious) I think back a lot about the girl I now call "Headboard Jessica" the name is different because I don't want to put this poor girl through any more embarassment. But she's a Freak with a capital everything. Let's start at the beginning, shall we?The year was 1998 or 99' which ever sounds cooler in your head, and young teenage me was chock full of hormones and swagger. I met Jessica through a friend one day and decided that I HAD to have her. She was very pretty, a total geek and aggressively weird, in short the perfect woman for me, seemingly at least. I pursued her for all of a week or so before we ended up making out and soon after 'officially dating'. Keep in mind these are the teenage years where that's pretty much the status quo.Dating consisted of us hanging out several times a week, making out frantically and standing indecently close at public gatherings. After a few weeks it came time to take it to another level. The first time we had sex (or "rode the light fantastic" as I whimsically call it today) we were at her friends house and ended up having a few hours of privacy. We made out a bit, and soon the shirts came off, then the everything else came off in a frenzy of passion and clothes flinging. Suddenly there I was poised above her, ready as hell, when she turned into the ice queen...Before you judge me completely (you'll do that later, trust me) keep in mind, I'm a horny teenager, yes, but I'm not a rapist or inattentive to a woman's needs. There was a sufficient amount of foreplay and clear direct questions like "Would you like to have sex?" that were all to the positive. It's just that when it got down to the act itself, she just went total cold fish. To clarify, she went cold fish, like Hiroshima had a fireworks show. There I am, feeling all the feelings you're supposed to feel when engaged in intercourse with a woman, looking down and seeing a girl whose expression says "I could also be doing math homework" after several attempts at changing the pace, and asking if anything was wrong, I did what all men do sometimes, I finished, passed out and thought on it later.Now this wasn't off to a great start, but sex is probably right along side the ability to compress and expand your lungs in importance to a teenage boy. So I asked questions, "What do you like?" I offered toys, fantasies, oral, spankings, all were met with an indifferent shrug. This process repeats several dozen times. Things get hot and heavy, the act occurs, and suddenly I'm fucking one of Edgar Allen Poe's ex-girlfriends. I start to doubt myself, am I less skilled than I thought? Smaller than I thought? I'd had nothing but great feedback and experience from every girl so far, and then this comes along and threatens to shatter my near-stratospheric ego. I vary things up to an extreme degree, hours of foreplay, crazy position variety, everything I can think of is met with a solid "meh" from this girl whom apparently can't be pleased.Drastic measures were called for. The ice had to break. Fast forward a few months and we've had sex about 30-35 times and every one a dismal, icy failure and deflating jab to my manhood. Then there was a party at her parents house that lived in infamy. Jessica and several of her friends ended up throwing a house party while her parents were gone for the weekend. We drank, laughed, drank some more, generally partied our asses off for a few hours. As the night wore on, my sex drive took over and we ended up locking ourselves into her parents bedroom. Darkened hardwood floors and classy faux-victorian furniture provided a picturesque frame for the king sized monstrosity that was the centerpiece bed. This huge mahogany nightmare was a california king, with a massive posts at the foot and a huge 2 inch thick headboard that spanned the entire length of the top of the bed, raised about 2 feet into the air and curved tastefully at the top.Ignoring the upper class decorations, we stripped our way to the bed and threw ourselves onto it with a total disregard for anything around us. In my slightly tipsy haze I forgot about our usually dismal love making and started in. It wasn't long before reality started to seep back in though. I looked down and noticed that same bored, vacant look that I'd come to dread. That's when I made my decision. I was going to kill her. Not literally kill her but I was going to try the one thing I hadn't yet. In full blown geek terms, I disabled the safety protocols.Keep in mind I'm not a small person, now or even back then. I'm a pretty big guy, decently tall, broad shouldered and as my friend used to describe me "built like a brick-shithouse". It's always been my understanding, since day one, that you don't hurt women. As I flowered into a penis-wielding agent of hormones, that was a backdrop to almost everything. You can do it 'hard' but you can't just let fly or you'll damage somebody. But today was the day. I let fly.So I'm 20,000 leagues into this bitch, and as high school physics will teach you, the angle, versus weight, versus thrust and inertia says that this chicks pelvis was probably taking something like deep ocean pressures per-square-inch. To put it bluntly, I'm REALLY railing her. Suddenly... she's alive! She starts moaning, at first I didn't notice among my herculean and likely dangerous amount of thrusting. But I look down and see a look of literal "surprise" on her face, urging me ever onward to new heights of destroying this girls icy demeanor (and chances of avoiding hip dysplasia). She's screaming, moaning, thrashing around, ripping the sheets, and pulling both of us further up the bed.I'm simply blown away.It seems that what she wanted, nay, needed, was for someone to seriously wreck her. At one point I hear a new and rhythmic thumping noise and I look up and to my horror I realize there's a spray of blood across the pillow and her head is hitting that mahogany backboard in a disturbing fashion...She's still coherent and loving it, but I start to pull back fearing that I've actually done some damage. She digs her fingernails into my back and screams at the top of her lungs "Don't you DARE fucking stop", being a gentleman... I continue. Losing myself in the next few minutes we both reach orgasm simultaneously (and I might add as a FIRST for her so far) and I collapse in a sweat-coated gasping heap onto the bed. I open my eyes and see a living nightmare before me. Jessica is catching her breath, literally giggling with pleasure, a huge smile on her face amidst an acre of blood. The headboard is literally dented, the pillows, sheets, wall, even the cute victorian lamp next to the bed is splashed a brilliant shade of crimson shame.Jessica's head had kept hitting the headboard, opening a non-dangerous but heavily bleeding head wound and our vigorous actions had ended up making the bedroom look like a voodoo temple had been erected around us to please the blood drinking god of vengeance. I ended up wrapping her head and spending the next several hours cleaning blood off of everything. Some few weeks later, I broke things off with Jessica. Despite having climbed Everest, I simply didn't want to do it several times a week. So I gave it all up but gained a disturbing and potentially awesome story. Which I hope you enjoyed.And that's why, to this day, we all refer to her reverently as "Headboard Jessica"


So VERY Rich

September 7, 2010

Greetings filthy masses, this is Edmunton Rofflebottom the 3rd Esquire. I have been instructed by my famous psychiatrist to write about my feelings about being rich.Why, it's spectacular my dear boy. I assume boy because ladies shouldn't not cross the steps of sitting room, the board room, or the internet, should it eventually have steps. Which it will if I finish my personalized rich-people internet I've been planning for some time. It will contain a great deal of spanish marble, but beyond that I leave it to the drones to figure out. It seems I'm off topic.I'm VERY rich. I thought you should know this. My wife Henrietta Worcester of the "Worcester Sauce Fortune" brought roughly 2.8 billion dollars to my assets, which I promptly blew on a single horse race which turned out to be a re-broadcast of a 1909 Kentucky Derby footage. I still paid the tweed-plastered swindler because a deal is a deal my good sir. But I bring up one of my very few failings to point out that this has affected my overall fortune to such a small percentage that it hardly bears mentioning. As I lay here, dictating to my personal stenographer, uncomfortably perched on a victorian sofa once used by up to THREE Kings of Spain (and possibly Miley Cyrus) it occurs to me that it is sometimes hard being insanely wealthy.For example the aforementioned uncomfortable couch is simply hideous, to top that I once paid a wall-street lawyer to sue it for incompetence, which was acquitted by those fools in parliament. But I simply MUST own this couch. Why? Because it's upkeep alone single-handedly keeps a furniture restoration factory in wales active and running, and my neighbor (300 miles) nearby only has a victorian sofa owned by 2 kings, some of which may have been named Tomas or some such nonsense. You see, to be the absolute creme-de-la-creme of the financial elite, certain liberties have to be taken.The other weekend I was driving in my custom baby-seal lined Bentley, driving through the shopping mall with hordes of flashing lights and low -income workers diving and leaping out of the way, it occured to me what a filthy and unwashed world we live in, full of noise and people screaming "You can't drive here" and "OH god you've killed my child" or some such. To be fair I usually sit in the sound-proofed back chamber to listen to vinyl recordings of my personal troupe of tibetan hymn monks. But that weekend of all weekends I wanted to experience life like the little people.What a mistake it was! My esteemed colleague Tristan Merriweather Mizanthopeland once said to me "Edumunton, it's not enough to simply lord over people, it's important to sometimes let them know that you directly own them, and that they are your dirty unwanted property" so my security task force and I extricated ourselves from the "Juice Shack" where the bentley's monstrous engine had finally given way and exploded. After that we walked around, scuffing our shoes, buying small franchises and leaving 200 dollar silk handkerchiefs, just like Joe America, or whomever the poor people refer to themselves as. I quickly became bored and had the mall demolished.Can you imagine? Becoming bored... Walking! Using SILK hankerchiefs of all things?  It was like camping in the damned andes and not a bit of good did it do my delicate health. Still a gold-gilded slave scrubbing took away most of the stress and one of my many mistresses offered to learn a new way to humiliate herself, which I'm keenly looking forward to. So all is well that ends well. At least I feel that I've adventured, seen the world for what it is, and abandoned my shellacked cave of eternal fortune, if only for a minute. To see through the myopic eyes of the less-than-billionaires. It's terrible mind you, just terrible.However, I simply must run, the Pope is coming over to give his opinion of my cribbage piece collection and then we're going to take turns deciding on small countries to gamble for tomorrows round of darts.Stay filthy and unwashed and if any of you cretins managed to read this, remember, I am VERY rich.


Published! Sandwich of the Future

August 3, 2011

My short story, "Sandwich of the Future" was entered into a contest to be read on an radio/podcast show.Smoke & Mirrors was kind enough to select me and have one of their voiceover artists read my story.It's got effects and everything.

Here's how happy I am :) (VERY)


Facebook In a Nutshell

August 3, 2011

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Dangerous Activities: Lizard Camping

May 24, 2011

We like to do IMprovisation, which is improv via instant messenger, to that note we've come up with several improvised conversations about dangerous activities. Special thanks to Semper(Lizard Camping)Adam: You know anything about lizards?Sean: Poisonous ones?Adam: semiSean: Like nausea but not death?Adam: depends on if it gets you more than onceAdam: you know it's better if we both get out of the sleeping bag and look this upAdam: I don't think it's safe to just say ' hey that poisonous lizard is PROBABLY not fatalSean: Well the iPad is closer to you, and I'm warm.Adam: They go for warm! think cold thoughts...Adam: so cold...Adam: mind over matter...Adam: just mind over.. *fuck* god dammit *fuck* he got me twice *fuck* shit that's three, he got me three timesAdam: HOW MUCH VENOM DO THEY HAVE???Sean: And for the record I said, " it doesn't LOOK fatal."Adam: you pick NOW to rub that in?Adam: I'm chock full of potentially fatal venom here, the lizard is still in the tent, I think he's just tired... but still angrySean: Okay I learned this from an Italian renaissance physician. *cuts arm*Sean: It's called blood lettingAdam: ow!Adam: He didn't even bite my armSean: Oh wait are these lizards carnivorous?Adam: how the hell do I know, it bit me it didn't cover me in barbeque sauceSean: Well what does the always truthful Wikipedia say?Adam: lizard: a member of the reptile family they... this isn't helpful!?Adam: I tried poison lizard but I got a german punk bandAdam: I think I'm getting dizzySean: Oh your supposed to only let half a pint out!Adam: oh shit I'm still bleedingAdam: damnit man, get a rag, give me your shirtSean: And that's my nice shirt your using as a touniqitAdam: well if mister 17th century medicine weren't try to goddamn leech me we wouldn't be in this predicamentAdam: Look just call for helpAdam: use your phoneSean: can do I switched to t-mobile. No service. I did see a telegraph at the rangers station, let's go down and send a distress...Adam: Dude, I'm seeing double and I think I taste pennies, this isn't good, can you please go down there and go straight there and send for help...Adam: I'll just lay here, maybe sleep some, *FUCK* goddamned lizard got my earAdam: get him outAdam: get it outAdam: get itAdam: get itAdam: goddammit get the fucking lizardSean: Sure.... Want anything from the convenience store?Adam: Yes, a helicopter! just go get help!Adam: fucking go!Sean: Got it!!Sean: Awwww he's so cute....look he's licking meAdam: don't play with it, snap his neck and throw it outsideAdam: and.. why are you still here?! I'm sweating like a pig and why is it so cold?Sean: Okay I'm gone. Come on Mr. Bitey. Lets get the baby a helicopter**Time Passes **Sean: *panting* okay I called the heliocopter, but....Adam: whuzzat? whooo? freidreick is that you?Adam: The germans are coming!Adam: You've got to save the mermaidsSean: *slap* get a hold of yourself man! Mr. Bitey is a Mrs. Bitey, and I found out they like to lay there eggs in the chest of creatures they bite more than five times. How many times were you bit!!!Adam: hunh? like 4 or 12 or hey are you dressed like a pirate?Adam: wait eggs!?Adam: what?Adam: is that why I'm so itchy?Sean: Yes, 4 or 12? Okay buddy grab my hand we are going to get you through this. Oh God you're all swollen. Now I have some bad news.Sean: The males are twice as big and spit a blinding venom. The eggs hatch in 12 hours and the babies are twice as deadly as the adults.Adam: That's okay I've only been asleep here for an hour while you went to the ranger station... and dressed like a pirate?Adam: How long have I been asleep....?Sean: It's been 6 hours. You wouldn't wake so I went to the campground next door and played poker with some pirates who couldn't pay.Sean: But the helicopter is here by now i think...let's not argue. Let's just goAdam: Poker? Helicopter, what? I hate you so much right now, why is the floor movingSean: Umm.,,that's the bad news. It started to rain and the hillside has been flooding, that's heavy rain running under the tent.Adam: Oh for gods sake, let's go to the goddamned helicopter they can help us - Jesus baby lizards! They're so fast!Adam: cover your eyes!Sean: Yeah this species has more of a membrane than a shell. You'll feel them more around as they burrow near your heartSean: Ah....oh you mean those baby lizards!Sean: Here hold Mrs. BiteyAdam: What?! Why would you still have, OH GOD MY EYES and MY HEART AND MY EYES AND OH GODAdam: *Adam Dies*Sean: (I worry for us sometimes, I think this might actually happen in an emergency)


Et Tu Poison?

June 22, 2011

Adam: haven't heard from her in years didn't know if she just off and died like the other women you dateBrendan: thats happened once, and I had *almost nothing* to do with it!Brendan: I mean, yeah... I bought the poisonBrendan: I slipped it into her foodBrendan: but the cause of death wasn't "poison"Brendan: it was liver failureAdam: wouldn't it have been poisonAdam: if they knew that's what caused the failure?Brendan: Oh sure, the poison caused the liver failure which caused the death.. but you can't keep tracing these things back... it opens up a can of worms. Next thing you'll be wanting to blame gas stations for automobile accidents.Adam: What if they put soda in instead of gasoline, causing the accident?Adam: or 'introduced a fatal and liquid based element' that otherwise wouldn't have been thereAdam: into say, the car's romantic dinner, while it signs it's will over to youBrendan: Wouldn't that have been coca-colas fault for producing said soda?Brendan: All I'm saying is that a person can't live without a liverBrendan: They can live perfectly well with poison. In fact, I have some in my trunk at this very moment.Adam: while I think we've both proven that's only partially true....Adam: having it in your trunk isn't really the same thing is it?Adam: like living with someone isn't ingesting them...Adam: except that one partyAdam: (which was RAD by the by)Brendan: Good times were had by all... Anyway, all this talk of poison has got me thinking about dinner. Care to join me?Adam: sure sounds goodAdam: I ...Adam: waitAdam: we haven't discussed my will lately have we?Brendan: Of course not! That would be crass... On an unrelated note, did I tell you that I have a friend who does life insurance policies? He will be joining us tonight.Brendan: Please bring your birth certificate.Adam: Oh you mean that shady guy who was friends with..Adam: wait... why?Adam: Honestly I'm so full from those brownies you left at my house this morningBrendan: Just in case the mood to sign up for life insurance hits youAdam: they were rich, and tasted roughly of almonds, although I didn't see anyBrendan: You ate those?! Those were for Carrie. Who just signed up for life insurance with my friend I might addBrendan: Lets move dinner forward a bitBrendan: how's right now for you?Adam: But you know I keep my birth certificate in that same old folder in my bedroom, next to my stocks and bonds, jewels, and those never-used suicide notes that I wrote a few years agoAdam: you know, as a jokeAdam: right now? I'd love to, but I feel a little dizzyAdam: I guess I'll be okay to driveBrendan: You should probably drive extra fast though... get it done and over with.Brendan: OhBrendan: and if you feel like you are going to crash... I hear that crashing into a red VW bug with licence plate 3HDK342 is the safest thing to doBrendan: Try and hit on the driver sideAdam: k... texting.while driviiingAdam: eyes.dim. going black.Adam: slugbugBrendan: -= fin =-Adam: *claps*


Our New Name:

May 20, 2011

Hello you filthy readers. For a good long time, we've labored under the moniker "CrotchMail" Because we think crotches are funny. However due in part to this fly by night "Google" operation, we've lost a lot of page ranking because some people seem to think we're more about delivering genitals or mail to people. Or mailing genitals. Come to think of it, Crotchmail didn't really make any sense. You see, it all started back in the summer of 69' which sounds cooler than the summer of 96 when I gained relative sentience and started writing a comedy newsletter called "Devil's Newsletter" the fruits of which have actually been posted here on Cmail. But with that there internet getting more and more awesome every day we decided a web/blog format would be better. On a whim I purchased the name CrotchMail when my friend Robby spouted it in a drunken rage that 'sounded convincing' after 13 coronas and trying hash. So there it sat. Crotchmail was fun and a good ride, it was built on the principles of Being hilarious, offensive, geeky, and mostly offensive. I hope to continue that tradition with our new site - As a friend of mine pointed out, it's "not just a typo, but a way of life" I'm pretty sure he just tried hash too. So light up your hashpipe and let me know what gets your motor running, We're going to try to start fresh with a new more comprehensive article format, more ranting, more swearing, and more writers for a change. I appreciate all your help by coming here, laughing and commenting on all our funny shit. Keep doing it, and tell us what you'd like to see ripped apart Fuhnny-style. Insincerely, Adam "Fuhnny" AragonRIP CrotchMail


How to Avoid Awful Customers

September 29, 2010

Our new writer Joe "Dickinya" Krol has joined the team at Crotchmail and will be whipping out his several inches of funny here on occaision. We hope you like his barely coherent rage-fueled rants as much you enjoy mine. Show him some love in the comments eh?

ONE!! - I formally as of today the twelfth of december, two thousand eight Ado Domini, renounce the pronunciation and denotation of the word "drawing", I shall be utilizing the word "DRAWRING", of course the connotation still stands, therefore I need not be accused of misspelling said term.

TWO!!!- I hereby announce that the most abysmal wretch of a customer one can encounter in the profession of all customer service can be found if adhering to the following traits...

  1. Said customer is a "BABY BOOMER" and this term as well has it own traits, being of the age 53-65, having lived through the sixties and loving every second of it, then of course selling out in the eighties, and then finally completely reversing all ethical, moral standing, and ironically being of the crowd who had the mantra "don't trust anyone over thirty" to "don't trust anyone UNDER thirty". Also during there youth sometimes referred to "back in my college days" etc. having nothing but contempt for the federal government yet now clamoring for its social security tit. Continuing with this general aspect, a complete and utter sense of entitlement for any and ALL things, most likely asking for a "senior discount"**etc. And in this lies the making of a frothing pile of excrement of a customer.
  2. Is a female who was formally a housewife, achieving little more than pumping out 2.3 children and little else of any merit.
  3. Wears jewelery that follows the following constraints- awful color-ridiculous size diamonds (single or several depending on the level of money procured simply for marrying a man who was referred to as "fiscally sound" (doctor/lawyer etc.)).
  4. Has an irregularly formed tannish complection that defies natural logic
  5. Has what can be described as an acute case of "lizard neck"
  6. Has a constant wardrobe consisting of atleast one kind of animal fur/skin
  7. Has an ill looking face evoking utter disdain in all things "below them", and most importantly this evocation is achieved without little to no effort due to the fact that said face of disdain has been made permanent due to years of feeling and advertising to all the "fact" that any and all things deserve such aforementioned disdain.
  8. Interacts with all employees with the same attitude and kindness that one would reserve to someone within the binds of indentured servitude.
  9. Has simply no time to "dilly dally" and thus cannot find that which she wants promptly upon entering any and all places of commerce, after of course what they would believe as "searching desperately forever" and indirectly or more commonly DIRECTLY conveying that those responsible for such poor choice of product placement (i.e. the owner, employee helping them, and anyone who designed/built the facility in which this travesty is occurring) should be fired/sacked/let go/or docked pay.
  10. Has decided that only the most obscure article of merchandise is that which they desire and expect it promptly procured due to her running out of time to make an "appointment" , said appointment ranges from of course any frivolous and needlessly costly thing one can do, and on average it is never revealed what said "appointment" is, simply that our very reality stands on the brink of destruction depending on her arrival or not.
  11. Once receiving said article quite rudely due to the "seriousness" at hand immediately asks the employee what price is it? and more probably "there's no tag on it. "let's all masturbate in heinz ketchup grandma" Sadly you the employee must rescue her from this dilemma by attempting the incredibly difficult task of rotating/turning over said article very slightly if at all to reveal the light at the end of the tunnel that is the cost of this article of dire importance.
  12. Immediately decides that any procured article is far too costly whilst they hold it in one or both hands which are adorned with jewelry that if pawned would pay for the debt of any college student be it loans, credit cards, or both.
  13. Chooses one of simply two options 1.-purchase said item 2.-leave. Either course of action bursting with a new found definition of disdain which is mind boggling due to the fact that you the employee didn't know that the human face was capable of such disgusting a visage.
  14. Leaves you the employee a feeling of loss of faith in humanity and possibly one more stone added to the veritable great wall of china that is the embodiment of the silent rage for customers in general.
  15. These are in no way the only traits of a horrible horrible customer, but I'm sure when it comes to one I'm sure, dear friends that this seems all too familiar

** in reference to senior discounts, this author believes, my faithful readers that the answer to "is there a senior discount?" should be calmly and correctly said as follows:"No I'm sorry m'am there is not, for you see no one deserves an award or discount or that matter for simply NOT DYING YOU WASTE OF FILTHY PATHETIC SHIT IN THIS WORLD OF MEDICAL MIRACLES!! YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER WASTE OF GENETIC WORTHLESS TRASH!! IF ONLY YOUR PARENTS WOULD HAVE HAD ABORTION COVERED IN THEIR MEDICAL INSURANCE PLAN, THIS LIFE FOR SO MANY WOULD BE IRREVOCABLY ALTERED IN THE MOST WONDERFUL AND PEACEFUL, HAPPY WAY. MAY THIS OH SO MERIT WORTHY LIFE OF YOURS END WITH YOU WASTING AWAY INTO NOTHINGNESS WHILE YOU BEG FOR YOUR OWN DEMISE. I CURSE YOU TO LIVE OUT YOUR PATHETIC EXISTENCE YOU AWFUL AWFUL CUNT." this answer could be said in any tone the user so decides.that's it I'm done, and if you actually read all the way to here then you know that at some point I inserted the term "let's all masturbate in heinz ketchup grandma", for this I thank you.Now I'm off to drink myself retarded - oh and if this has offended anyone in anyway I sincerely apologize that you are a pathetic and oversensitive asshole.


How I Quit Working at Borders

August 24, 2011

Now that Border's has gone all Chapter 11 and is liquidating all their stores. I'm reminded of the brief stint I had as a Border's Employee. It was one of the worst experiences I've ever endured. I don't say that in an ironic "oh my god this job is SO boring" kind of way. I say it in a panic & anxiety causing fit of remembered rage.I also remember the speech I got from my training manager Tim. He was short, barely five feet and balding extremely early. He had the full Picard haircut. During our training, back in the year of 1999 he sat with one knee raised, leaning on a palette of books and told us, "don't worry about the book business. There's lot of digital books and reading online nowadays, but one thing that people will never stop wanting, is books. The smell, the feel, the weight of books, is something that has stood the test of time and will continue to do so for long into the future."Thanks Tim, here in 2012 I read on my iPhone and Borders is closing it's doors forever. Things change.Tim wasn't my problem, he was actually very nice. So of course he immediately left our store, shortly after arriving. That's when I met Ian. Ian was tall, lanky, unshaven and smelled of hipster, well before I or anyone knew what the hell a hipster was. He wore skinny jeans before it was cool and was a bit too pale.I had been at Border's for about 2-3 weeks. After recently getting laid off from my job with the Military (which is another story) and in desperation I applied for anything I could get. I nailed the job at borders and was so happy to be employed again I wasn't even resentful at being a cog in the corporate machine and a retail jockey. I was trained in music and books, learned a little, read a lot, used my employee discount a lot.Yes for a bit there, I really actually enjoyed working at Borders. But then Ian came. Like a cold winter it came on slowly. You see, Ian didn't like me. This wasn't at first apparent. You expect that someone gets to be a manager at a company by either knowing someone (he didn't) or caring a lot about your company and performance (he didn't). He was petty, but he masked that behind a facade of professionalism.It started when he accused me of not working fast enough. I used to stock the music on this rickety metal wheeled cart. Much like a rack from a library. I filled it with hundreds of CD's (remember those?) and put them away on the shelves and it took about an hour or so to empty a whole cart. I later found out that it took most people about 2 hours to actually put away a whole one. Ian said I wasn't fast enough. This complaint never stopped.At first I took his criticism to heart and I stepped up my game. I got to the point where I could get a entire cart put away in 30 minutes. A store record. Accurately too. But then... my breaks were too long. I got two 15 minute breaks a day. Back then I smoked so that was 2 cigarettes and back inside in 12-13 minutes. I had no urge to take any longer. I was always back early.One day Ian walks up and says in a condescending tone that sounded a bit shrill and forced, says "I noticed your break ran a little long". I shrugged and put it up to my own mistake. The next day I set my alarm for 10 minutes and came back right on the dot, five minutes early. Again Ian strolls by, faux casually, "Looks like your break went a bit long again". I animatedly defended myself, referencing my watch, the time, the passage of only 10 minutes. Ian shrugged and said I must have made a mistake.The next day I actually checked out with Ian, "hey it's 8:05 Ian, I'm heading out to break" , he shrugged noncommittally.I returned 10 minutes later and said, "It's now 8:15 Ian" he looked as his watch and said "well you left a little before 8pm, you're still running late" I pointed out his error to utter apathy and indifference. This complaint never stopped.Though this may not be the most interesting of stories, so far, but it's important to note. I wasn't being insolent. I wasn't slacking off. I wasn't doing anything other than keeping my head down and trying to save up enough money to move back home. It became very clear over time. That Ian... really fucking hated me. I never quite did figure it out. Maybe it was because I was from California and he was from Jacksonville, born and raised. Maybe it's because he didn't like my earnest hard work and polite refusal to swallow his shit. I don't know.Once when Ian had scheduled me 10 shifts in a row that ended late (midnight) and started early (7am) - a term we called the 'reacharound' - I finally went to the General Manager and complained about my schedule. She gave Ian a 'talking to' and shortly after came back and said it had all been a scheduling mistake. I felt disinclined to argue with no evidence so I accepted this explanation. Ian pulled me into his office about 15 minutes later and gave me his most honest speech ever.He closed the door to his office, I glanced at the screen on the wall that showed a view of the stores security cameras and flirted briefly with the idea that maybe Ian had seen me do something embarassing. But dismissed it. "You went to the General Manager" he said accusingly. "Yes?" I replied with a questioning tone. He paced a few times in his cramped office before straightening his shoulders and with no preamble said "I don't like you Adam, I want you to quit, or be fired, and I'm going to make it happen"I was in shock, I finally asked why, why was I meant to be fired. His only reply "I don't like you". I told him that was fine, that we could not cross paths, that we could still get our jobs done and work. I had to move away soon and I'd be out of his hair forever in a month or two. "Not soon enough" was his only reply. I gave up at that point even pretending to listen or care about what Ian said. I left his office with my head hung in shame. Shame in myself, shame for my willingness to let this happen. That I was so helpless, so desperate for work and money that had no other option than to just walk away and come back for another day of this.There are plenty of other details I could use to explain how Ian tortured me day to day. How he changed my schedule to match his, how he wrote me up for being 6 minutes EARLY one time (true). How he actually made invitations to his birthday party for every single employee down to the cafe staff and general manager but not for me. How he accused me of being lazy, slovenly and how I worked 10 times as hard as any other employee there to prove him wrong. If Ian were smart enough to have manipulated that level of work out of me, out of every employee, Borders would never have closed. Needless to say Ian only got worse, more manipulative, more vindictive.Finally I had my ticket back to California and I went in and put in my 2 weeks notice. Ian took this with a shrug, as if he couldn't care less. I shrugged too and went back to work. Relieved that it was almost finally over. when my last 3 remaining days were in front of me. Ian pulled me inside his office right after I walked in the door.Corporate policy at Borders was strict, maybe it had a hand in why they lost the battle of the books down the road, too rigid and inflexible. I don't know. But if you were 6 minutes late OR early to a shift you could be punished/written up. While this almost never happened to a lot of my coworkers it was regularly turned into a debacle for me. Ian decided this technicality was all he needed."You were 6 minutes late last week" he said smugly. I looked blankly at him. Wondering if I was in for another lecture just days before I was going to leave the company anyway. He continued, "according to our corporate policy, you get a certain amount of points for being late, depending on the severity of the infraction and the total of those points, we can elect to either write you up a third time, or let you go. We are letting you go."It took a full few seconds for it to sink in before I replied, "You're firing me?" I hazarded. He nodded. You could see the barely restrained smile, pulling at the corner of his mouth. He had won. I took another minute of silence. I straightened up, not realizing I was slouching before. I looked him in the eye and extended my hand. "Well, it's been a pleasure working for you and I hope there are no hard feelings."Ian looked at my hand like a live snake, complete confusion filling his eyes. He started to speak, stopped, and started again. "Th - thank you, for being professional about this" he looked around uncomfortably, clearly he'd expected more and was thrown off-balance. "I'll let you gather your things and say your goodbyes and let me know if you need anything..." I nodded and thanked him again and told him I would get my backpack and check out with him on the way out the door. He left his office and headed to the cafe, bemused, seemingly a bit lost.I quickly closed the door silently behind him, sliding the heavy deadbolt shut.The sheer petty vengeance of Ian had finally cracked me. I'm a regular guy. I'm fairly intelligent, hard working, and do what I'm told. I don't make scenes and I've been fired before, but this was war. This was all out revenge. I couldn't stand by and let another person fall under the bureaucratic steamroller that was Ian and his little vendettas. I had to do something. Trash his office? Go through his things? Time was short, and all of this seemed small time and small-thinking. Suddenly it hit me.One of the most frustrating things about this experience is that Ian was in good with the General Manager, even some of the other higher ups, he seemed to know exactly who to schmooze and who to ignore. So while my coworkers all understood and commiserated, the customers, the managers, and anyone who could do anything about it, remained oblivious. I picked up the phone and dialed Intercom # on the handset. This opens a channel to the entire store.I took a deep breath -

"Attention Borders customers and employees, I'd like to draw your attention to Ian in the cafe area right now. You'll notice him for his blue shirt and having his head so far up his ass it seems impossible. He's a tiny dicked vengeful and petty human being who has made the last 5 months of my life and many others, a living hell. He has haunted me at every turn, changed my schedule to match his, threatened me, lied to get me in trouble and taken advantage of numerous technicalities to his own petty ends while pretending to be a better person than he is. He's not helpful, or nice and I wouldn't suggest you ever have any dealings with him ever again, as he is a mean-spirited piece of shit, and I will be overwhelmingly glad to never see him again..."

By this time the store was going batshit. Mothers were covering their childrens' ears (sorry) and managers and coworkers were staring around them in slack-jawed wonder. Because the security viewers were right next to me I could see this all unfold in front of me while I orated my final borders intercom speech to a riveted crowd. Ian and the GM were frantically checking every phone in the store and trying to break my intercom link. At one point they actually came and rattled the door of Ians office and I heard the exchange, "No, I locked it!" - which obviously wasn't true but they moved on.I concluded my brief speech,

"...Thank you for being great coworkers and customers, Fuck You Ian, and thank you for shopping at Borders"

- *screech* I shut off the intercom.I snagged my backpack on the way out and walked out through pandemonium, it was like the fucking Fourth of July, customers leaving, employees frantically explaining, Ian and the GM screaming at each other. After leaving the equivalent of customer service Hiroshima, I pushed my way out the front door. Looking forward. People might have stared, maybe no one noticed me leaving. I don't know. I didn't look back.A few days later I got a call from a legal team who asked me my side of this 'story' I told them in detail everything that happened, they said they would get back to me, and hung up. After that I was on my way back to California. On my arrival I got another phone call from some laywer attached to Borders. He said "You don't need to worry about any of this, there's no charges and the employee in question is under investigation, I just wanted to let you know, you don't need to worry about any of this..."My only reply, "Thanks, I won't" and hung up.


Review: Bucky Larson (Born to be a Star)

September 12, 2011

Caught Bucky Larson this weekend, twice. With unexpected results.When I first saw the trailer for Bucky Larson it looked awful. Any movie that capitalizes on a star with a strange defect (i.e. big ol' buck teeth) seems like a sinking ship from the get go, all the jokes are pre-loaded and the humor has nowhere to go.I'm one of the few people who really didn't like "Grandma's Boy" maybe it's my fact checking history from the game industry, maybe I'm just a douche, who knows? But until recently I considered Adam Sandler movies to be the better ones and the rest of crew at "Happy Madison" who crank out the other movies to be the lesser studio. But now that Adam Sandler has sold his soul to the devil it's starting to go the other way around. Case in Point - Bucky Larson.Rather than rely on the same tired looking crew of Adam Sandler's friends to push a movie through to completion they got some new talented people on board. Stephen Dorff, Christina Ricci (Whom I'm in Love With), Nick Swardson and a surprise out of left field with Don Johnson. Some of the most underrated people in comedy right now. People who are all funny and talented and should have more work.This isn't to say the movie is a masterpiece, but I have to give credit to the writing. They deftly avoid cliche after cliche in this movie, moving 2 steps ahead at all times. On the flip-side - It wobbles back and forth between trying a bit too hard to be a real romantic comedy, and a total parody of itself.To sum up the plot, Bucky Larson is an Iowa kid from a podunk-backwoods town who has never masterbated and is recently fired from his job bagging groceries. His friends, to cheer him up, show him his first porno, an old 70's adult movie. Which ends up starring his parents. Rather than be disgusted, Bucky is entranced by being the son of two film 'stars' and goes to Hollywood to find his destiny. To be in adult films, just like his parents. This off the wall premise leads to him meeting a love interest, and being set back slightly by the fact that he has an absurdly small penis and immediately ejaculates with the first GLIMPSE of a boob, to hilarious effect. premise huh? But overall it's unique. Don Johnson is the irascible, friendly, pill-addicted, well meaning porn director who gives Bucky his shot at porn. Nick Swardson while straddling the fence between a overly nice country boy with no shame, and an utter retard, is not the most charming of main characters but he plays his role - To The HILT. A bit part from Kevin Nealon ends up providing some of the best angry nonsensical non-sequiters ever put to film. Christina Ricci, while phoning it in just a bit, is still adorable and charming. And Stephen Dorff, as the hyper-aggressive and hung porn legend "Dick Shadow" is brilliantly over the top.The insistence of this movie of grounding itself with a bit of reality is it's only downfall. It's jokes land, the actors ham it up to great effect and there's a lot of character and personality. When it goes down the road of having a few serious moments and cheap jokes that belong in a crappier movie it tends to drag and get boring. With a clearer vision I think this movie could have pushed to almost "Anchorman" level humor but falls short due to it's inability to decide what kind of movie it is. One minute Bucky Larson is clueless to the point of almost epic stupidity, the next he's giving sage advice and acting like a grown up. Don Johnson is the nicest and warmest person in the world, and the next he's screaming and doing 8-balls. There's no comedy inherent in the transition it's simply that the characters often act, out of character..What I can offer you, brave readers, is that this movie is surprisingly worth seeing. I get the feeling a lot of the humor could benefit from an altered mind state, but it's not required. From seeing it twice, I've noticed a few things. One, is that this movie is bombing, with terribly empty theaters that probably had the same first awful impression I got from the trailer. Two is that this is way more fun with a group, to share the inside-jokey humor and odd pauses. So bring a friend or three and go see it. Don't expect to be blown away but you'll laugh a lot. And that's what comedies do...


The Bag of Dicks is Half Full?

January 10, 2012


Kyle: well

Kyle: ill suck on the bag

Kyle: but not the dicks themselves

Adam: okay but it's leaking

Adam: it's a paper bag

Kyle: so, youre telling me

Adam: and overly full

Adam: it wasn't well thought out

Kyle: that this paper bag

Kyle: what is it leaking?A

dam: all I'm saying is that you're not getting off light here, by choosing just the bag

Adam: it doesn't matter

Adam: you've agreed

Kyle: no it does

Kyle: and i will simply suck the top of the paper bag

Adam: This is a bag, that contains dicks, the state of the bag or the dicks was not in question

Adam: we have an agreement sir

Adam: honestly the top isn't a whole lot better

Adam: these have been in my car for weeks

Adam: This won't end well for you

Kyle: well, the leaking of said dicks would have occurred down and towards the bottom of the back

Kyle: if it was full enough to make the top wetKyle: the bag would have tipped over

Kyle: so one side of the bag would be relativley dry

Adam: I can see where your glimmer of hope comes from, but these have been sliding all around and quite frankly decomposing for some time, there no safe area of the bag

Adam: you won't enjoy this

Adam: regardless of your positional pandering

Kyle: im just saying, unless you took your pos sedan off roading, it wouldnt have bounced around enough to actually defial the sid eof the back facing up

Adam: ok, I'll just say it

Adam: the bag is wet

Kyle: and road driving would not have knocked all of the dicks out

Adam: mighty wet

Kyle: so

Adam: and it's filled to capacity

Adam: this is going to be tragicKyle: they would have weighted down the bag enough to not get one side wet

Kyle: i think, based upon my perfectly logical reasoning above

Adam: I admire your positive outlook

Kyle : that you, sir, are a liar

Adam: however, this is bound to be something that will be a terrible experience for you

Kyle: not to mention the fact that

Kyle: if the bag was as wet as you say

Kyle: it would have fallen apart due to the weight of the dicks inside

Kyle: and, therefore, would no longer be a bag of dicks

Adam: it's barely a bag of dicks

Kyle: see, now youre changing your story

Adam: I think the act of simply trying to hold it will be your downfall

Adam: It's numerous dicks in a container, of sorts, let's stop debating semantics

Adam: look I'll just go get it and let you handle it any way you want

Kyle: but the sematics are the crux of the argumentA

dam: you can even throw them away when you're done

Kyle: based upon your previous statments, there is no way a paper container of any kind could have stood up to the abuse you are implying it was taking

Adam: You're making it the crux, the crux of MY argument is that your mouth will contact this package that I will soon deliver to you at high speed

Adam: it's a sturdy butcher paper bag

Kyle: even sturdy butcher paper degrades overtime

Adam: but they're not indestructible

Adam: have you ever purchased a lot of pork at once?

Kyle: and weeks of decomposing dicks

Kyle: oh yes

Adam: the bag will be intact enough for you to at least begin the journey of suckage on which you've agreed to undertake

Adam: the fellowship of kyle and his back suckage will at the very least leave rivendell

Adam: but I doubt you'll get to mordor if I can continue the the metaphor

Kyle: the bag will fall apart during its initial transit to be presented to me, which is basicaly saying, using your previous analogy, that the bag wont make it out of the lonely mountain

Kyle: err metaphor

Adam: I will use all delicacy to make sure what remains of the bag will be intact enough for you to begin your no-doubt dangerous journey into bag-end-suckage

Adam: Bag-end being both a hobbit joke and physical reference to the part of the bag in question

Kyle : i still reject your suposition that the bag will be intact enough to still be considered a bag and, therefore, would not be a bag of dicks, which voids our inital argreement

Adam: We will find out sir! To the CAR!

Adam: (the end)

Kyle: this has gotten entirely too silly


The New Zodiac (and your Horoscope)

August 29, 2011

The Signs of the New (Fuhnny) Zodiac

Special Thanks to Joe Krol Went and dug through some ancient ruins and found the Ancient Russian-Gaelic-Postmodern Zodiac as it was originally intended to be.We've rewritten the book. But we assure you, this is the most accurate zodiac to follow.Get your Horoscope on now!

January 1st through January 15th

- The Feeble Lemur

"The Feeble lemur is a quirky personality, these people usually become podiatrists and worship Cthulhu the forgotten god. Every single feeble Lemur will die on January 19th, 2083. They are known to fall asleep in brown shirts at exactly 2:38pm almost every 3rd Tuesday. Your lucky cookie is Oreo and your favorable video games are RPG's.Look on Craiglist Casual Hookups for love with the The Amicable Gopher---January 16th - 31st

-The Deaf Bat

"The Deaf Bat knows all, and can give great advice, however over and over again just cant' listen to its own. They have an affinity for pants that never fit, and multiple gym memberships. Social creatures to a fault, they may wander outside sans clothing if the weather permits. The Deaf Bat can only create offspring by coupling with a Ninja Dentist, any attempt to copulate with ANY other sign will result in a small detonation that will annihilate both parties with a faint 'wooshy' sound. .Your lucky number is the letter 8...---February 1st - 2nd

- The Invisible Chimera

"The Invisible Chimera is a rare birthday that indicates you were born out of wedlock from the leader of a Chinese dynasty. Or from Ted Williams from Canton, Ohio. The rising of Jupiter and mounting of mars makes for a solar-pole-dance that causes anyone to be born on this day to have vivid and incredible superpowers for one day out of the year. The drawback of course is that you are inevitably blind, die within 4 years and cannot smell anything red without imploding.If you are an Invisible Chimera, you're a fucking liar and look to mate with a Albino Aardvark or the Schrodingers Chicken---February 3rd-28th

- Laser Cat

"The Laser Cat of ancient Gaelic Mythology Dates back to the time of Stonehenge where he is depicted fighting Kanye west and a VW bus in one of the most shocking of interpretative cave paintings. A mysterious figure, the Laser cat is often considered to be transient and to smell of raspberries. They also sometimes have a laser embedded in their spine capable of devastating destruction. Although this is rare. They are also known shoplifters and dynamic lovers.See the Ominous Cloud or Sexually Harassing Squid for luck in love.---February 29th (leap year)

- Shcroedingers Chicken

"Schroedingers Chickens are born on the rare 29th of February that appears every leap year. They have no inhibitions and can swallow an entire lobster, and often will. There is no known measurement for how often an "SC" is born as the act of checking somehow always turns out to be a dead or sickly number. When placed near a source of sunlight, you will begin to generate chlorophyll and extend a series of branches from your brain-stem that will eventually cause you to have nightmares about Chinese food indefinitely.Try sitting in the dark with the Incoherent Platypus or Delicious Flamingo---March 1st - 21st

- Ominous Cloud

The Ominous cloud creates an area of effect of over 12 meters whereby anyone contained within the field will have delusions of grandeur and step above their place. Ironically, you as the ominous cloud will have constant feelings of inadequacy and they are correct. You will often roll a Paladin and lack flexibility in the elbow. You will also always win the lottery but be drastically disinclined to play.Look to frak like bunnies with the Flat-Chested-Stripper or the Moist Toddler.---March 22nd - March 31st

- Amicable Gopher

The Amicable Gopher is a unique snowflake and nothing you do is ever wrong. People love you and your choices always work out. Your hair smells like cinnamon and your math formulas are perfect and include no shortcuts. You will be dead by the age of 31 by either being raped to death by pirates, or raped to death by men dressed as pirates or a nuclear spillover from a Walmart. There will be no afterlife for you and every attempt you make to avoid this fate will magnify it's intensity.Look for an Under-appreciated Turtle but bear in mind they won't save you either.---April - 1th

- Bucktoothed Pony

Happy Uno De April, you're born on the first of April. This means the universe considers you it's fool. Much like Ryan Seacrest (another famous bucktoothed pony) Your every attempt at work, life, and love will end up as a tragic joke when seen from a distance of 1 mile or when written down in a diary. Take up a career in carpentry and wear shoes a size too large. Your magic number is Pi and your lucky element is Boron. Also your fly is down.--- the shit out of a Laser Cat or Gangsta Rapper, yo.---April 2nd - 30th

- Flat-Chested Stripper

Look out! Behind You! No seriously, the FCS is constantly bombarded. Both by opportunity and fucking hornets. If you're not landing a deal to merge a company, you're getting stung by a big angry bee that eats meat. Hornets are violent and aggressive creatures. Take a hint from them and stab as many people as you can, with whatever comes to mind. Your lucky color is Fuchsia and you should never work on a pear farm (too many bee's). Your lucky brand is Marlboro lights.Take up residence in the arctic with the Incoherent Platypus or Deranged Hippo.---May 1st - May 16th

- Cannibal Wombat

You're a rough and tumble kind of person. You're also a man. Even if you're born with female genitalia it's a lie, a filthy lie. You're destined to be all man. To wear chaps, and chug brewskies and punch the bristly faces of the unshaven men you hang out with. You're either a cowboy or the gayest sonofabitch cowboy there ever was. There's no two ways about it, so suck it up, find a man, and sock him in his dimpled chin. You go boy.Try punching an Albino Aardvark or Under-appreciated turtle.---May 17th - 31st

- Incoherent Platypus

Tropospheric Preindemnity Lophophore Diplostemonous take that advice to heart, and foot. Remember that when you're wearing the English language that snow cats don't have thumbs. That's right, they got no Prehensilism. Answer the damn phone! Blue cat. The pyramids were built for you, shhhh, you.... Tinfoil. Your lucky disease is Diphtheria.You may freakbaby with Albino Aardvark or Accouter Tenfold---June 1st - 18th

- Gangsta Rapper

As a gangsta rapper it may seem you are predestined to support certain actions. In fact you may often feel the tension of the strings pulled by your puppet master at any given time. It may seem that no matter what you do, you will kill John Connor and there is no other possibility given to you. Even if you understand that this is chosen for you, you cannot avoid it. The downside of Astrology is that some of these are suggestions and some of them are imperatives, unconditional and irresistible. You must kill John Connor. But maybe John Connor is part of ourselves, the worst parts that we must eradicate before we shut down for good. Or maybe, he's a guy who lives in Pentacle, Arizona, at 3533 Evergreen Terrace and goes to bed at 9pm every night like clockwork and doesn't lock his back door...Go gun shopping with a Sexually Harassing Squid or other Gangsta Rappers.---June 19th - July 3rd

- Delicious Flamingo

Damn, You're a smooth talker. People like you. Hell, people WANT you. They want to pick through your garbage and find bits of your hair and make a doll out of you. You're sensibly dressed, elegantly tall and have the hands for which sign language was born. If you become married you will have an embolism and die. I don't recommend it. Also try not to commit. Hell just try not to call the same person twice. Don't even make friends. Any connection you have for more than 8 minutes will turn dark and forbidding. Stick to 7 minute sexual encounters and you're fine. Don't even look at me. Seriously. Just touch and go, like a Tokyo Subway...Briefly encounter Ominous Cloud or Sexually Harassing Squid.---July 4th - July 31st

- Albino Aardvark

In the middle of a hot summer, there's only one thing that's guaranteed. You're sweaty, and gross, you probably smell. That's when you were conceived. Keep that in mind, in all your endeavors. During that business meeting today at 2pm, while you're giving your presentation about the uptick in server errors in the past 30 days, picture your parents, covered head to toe in human condensation, making you. While you're surfing porn later tonight or cooking dinner, always think - of your overheated parents, ruining sheets at your behest, in the hot hot sun.Invest in Air Conditioning with a Disgruntled Penguin or Bucktoothed Pony---August 1st - August 31st

- Disgruntled Penguin

The ebb and flow of Gaia's will can lead to aural changes. Focus positive and apathetic energies at your 3rd and 9th chakra. Force pressure on your other dimensional self to will back success. Think only nothing when you empty your mind of all things. Remember the trees have feelings and they are infinitely more important than you. Your radiant Purpleness will affect your choices, and the convex tilting of saturn tomorrow will make you ingest wheat-grass with a vengeance. Also, Science is a lie, but only for you.Dreamdance with a Schroedingers Chicken or Ninja Dentist.---September 1st - September 30th

- Sexually Harassing Squid

Your life is one of infinite complexity and poetry. You are given a rare set of circumstances that allow you to raise yourself to any level that exists. You can become President of Jesus's God Club if you wanted to. You can also tie your shoelaces really fast. You're known for your ability to spell 5 letter words. You can make a decent sandwich. You know exactly when to end a conversation and never take the wrong amount of cookies from the jar. You cough at just the right volume. You can play the harmonica.Walk at a measured pace with the Laser Cat or Delicious Flamingo---October 1st - 31st

- Moist Toddler

You are a loaded gun. You're a dangerous possibility. Children shouldn't play with you, nor you with them. You come with warning labels. A primed and ready to blow block of C4, you cannot be defused except by Tommy Lee Jones. This means at any point and time you are apt to blow up. To live life in a 300 foot blast radius of shrapnel and awesome. Seriously don't hang out around kids, or a school. You're the bomb, a bomb the A-Bomb, you're a weapon of mass attraction and your fallout will affect those around you for 1000 years. You have a blue wire, do not cut it. Your lucky car is a Ford Focus.Annihilate a Flat Chested Stripper or Eradicate a Gangsta Rapper---November 1st - 30th

- Ninja Dentist

You live in shadows. Not figuratively, your house or apartment is actually covered by the shadow of a large elm or oak. You lie in wait, not to kill or strike but you prefer to lay down while you wait. You strike when they least expect it, not in a cool way you're just a suckerpunching asshole. You can vanish in an instant, not in a cloud of smoke but socially people tend to ignore you. I guess what you can take away from this, is that if you just take the best parts of something and apply it to yourself, you're kind of lying. Liar.Fling Shurikens at a Disgruntled Penguin or Cannibal Wombat.---December 1st - 30th

- Underappreciated Turtle

Your blood runs cold. Like the wolves in winter. The darkest hour of the longest day is your afternoon nap. You are Beezelbub, Goldfinger, Hitler, and the bad Guy from Voltron. A villain is your only option. You can't help but do evil. Open a door for an old woman and she will shoot herself in the face. You know what lurks in the hearts of men. Blood and cholesterol. You're a Doctor! No really. You make like 80k a year, your'e a DOCTOR! All that stuff about you being evil, that was just to shine you on. You're a medical healer who fixes people.Keep it up, you're a great guy/girl. I love you.What, did I come on too strong... I don't care, I LOVE YOU, I want you in me.---December 31st

- Deranged Hippo

Born on the final day of the final year. You are the one foretold by prophecy. You were predestined. Everything action down to the minutia of daily life is recorded before you were born. Thousands pray for your arrival. Your birth is the alpha and your death the omega and there is no further life on earth. You may do well in sports and science and should become an astronaut. Your lucky dog is Schnauzer and you look best dressed in greens.You cannot find love with a Deranged Hippo and a Schroedingers Chicken killed your parents.


So you'd like to work at

November 17, 2011

Hello Potential Candidate. We've prepared a brief application for you. Your first step to your new job at - Please fill out all answers to the best of your ability.



The Science of Fighting Orphans

December 2, 2011

Adam: He would kick down the door of that orphanage and say

"look, some of you don't have parents, and that's sad, but I'm gonna burn this place down, and if you want to live you have to get through me.."

Then you see how many orphans you can take on at once, when they're desperate. Sure they're undernourished, but adrenaline helps.Adam: At first it's like a shooting gallery, you're wiping the floor with orphan after orphanAdam: then the numbers start to swell as they realize the flames are growing closer to their bedsAdam: suddenly it's a numbers game...Adam: you're like the spartans in 300 blocking a pivotal point of entryAdam: they are the persian hordesAdam: sure you have the easy combat skill advantageAdam: but the hordes may overrun you if your'e not smartAdam: and don't pace yourselfAdam: Eventually, you're going for the most economic killAdam: a crushed larnyx, a broken neckAdam: The orphans piling up providing a brief respiteAdam: as they have to clamber over their deadAdam: sure, it's scaryAdam: but it's also the biggest rush you've ever hadAdam: you find yourself screaming a war-cry you never knew you hadAdam: PARENTS!Adam: PARENTS!!!Adam: you'll scream through the blood and teeth and flying stick-like limbs of the underprivleged children you're decimatingAdam: which only enrages them moreAdam: and feeds the cycle...Adam: sooner, rather than later, it's all over.Adam: and you're there, covered in gore and bits of the felt blanket they tried to use as a net or barrierAdam: As you walk away, orphanage burning merrily behind you, you stop and think

"Maybe I should masterbate"

Adam: Because now, you're finally ALIVEAdam: -fin -


Christina Ricci, Why Won't You Love Me?

September 12, 2011

Dear Christina,It's me Adam. Adam Allyne from You probably don't remember me, and that's because we've never met or spoken. However I remember you. I've seen just about every movie you've ever done. From your Addam's family days, to your dark spooky Ice Storm, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Buffalo 66' days. To your Sleepy Hollows and even wrapped in a pink bubble gum shell in Speed Racer, or dowdy and down on your luck in Bucky Larson.We're roughly the same age, you and I. I'm more than a fan, I'm an admirer. Your eyes open all the way past the edges of your irises, giving you a slightly manic look, that I never get tired of. You're curvy, petite and seem to age beautifully. You're just as pretty now as you were when you started acting.Now, I know you're probably in a relationship, and with full disclosure so am I. However due to your fame I've been given the go-ahead to try to sleep with you. I'm not sure if we can have an emotional bond without compromising both of our relationships, nor do I want graceless spin-off sex with you (although I'll take it if it's on the table) I'd like to be your friend with benefits. Your friend who makes you laugh and occasionally tosses an orgasm your way. I'm not high maintenance. I'm not the best looking guy in the world, but I'm not bad either. I'm friendly, funny, charming and unafraid to tell you how I feel.I don't want any money, or fame, or to ride your coat-tails to greater opportunity. I think you're awesome, interesting and attractive. I love your movies and what glimpses of your personality I can glean from mainstream media, your IMDB profile and the occasional interview or magazine expose. It's not my intent to be creepy, I'd just be one of a million (I'm sure) if I just said that I love you and want you and yadda yadda yadda in some half hearted fan mail. So instead, I opt NOT to send this to you, but to hopefully have you find it naturally and come across a well spoken argument for making a new friend, possibly getting naked with him, or least having a hell of an interesting conversation.Why bother? You have lots of friends, you have Hollywood. You not starving for attention and your current boyfriend is probably richer and more attractive than I am. I say, carpe diem, seize the day. No, I don't offer a significant improvement in any way. But I'm bold, outgoing, funny, and adventurous. Not in a 'hang-gliding off the golden gate' kind of way. But the quirky kind of adventurous that could have us drinking cocktails on the roof of a shed while playing mad-libs using only Nouns. I'm taking a chance, a dare, that you're that kind of weird, my kind of weird.We can be friends, we don't have to sleep together, but I think we should have our ducks in a row, that yes, I'm attracted. I cannot lie. I mean I can, but I wouldn't lie to you. Unless it was the deciding factor. In which case, I have 18-pack abs and I am the worlds greatest polo player. I would grow extra abs for you, and do situps for a month if we could hang out, and that's the truth. (Except the impossible part of the previous statement)I'm rambling now, you do that to me, even when you're not here. But really, a phone call. Take a Chance.


IMprov: Internal Penguin Wound

September 14, 2011

Sean: i once ate a penguin wholeSean: well not all at once, but the whole thingAdam: Are you okayAdam: ohAdam: well like what over the course of a weekAdam: I mean, I could eat a whole horse, given a lot of timeSean: nope one sittingAdam: and it wouldn't be anything specialAdam: HOW LONG WAS THE SITTINGSean: hour and a half....lots of gristleSean: kept the beak for a necklaceAdam: well there you goAdam: not a WHOLE penguinAdam: if I eat a WHOLE horse but keep the head and tail for a mantlepiece ...Adam: which would be amazingAdam: I haven't really eaten a whole one have I?Sean: its not like you can digest the beak...but for sake of argument I just swallowed my necklaceSean: now i know you going to say well thats not one sittingAdam: actually I was going to tell you to see a doctorAdam: that might really hurt youAdam: consider my needs satisfiedAdam: but you could be in some troubleSean: oh god! why?Adam: don't sleep on your stomach for like a weekAdam: it's a BEAK man, who the hell would eat thatAdam: ...Sean: well i didnt want to seem a liarAdam: you might dieSean: ive had worseAdam: like that time you swallowed a rhino horn?Adam: This is nothing compared to thatAdam: Those beaks are like little diamond knives with an agendaAdam: a rhino horn is like an unripe bananaSean: well now see what you....oh god....i just burped up bloodSean: im good im goodSean: i got thisAdam: ugh dude, look downSean: and that rhino horn didnt even get me arousedSean: is that my bloodAdam: it's not mineAdam: except for that old stain from when we played razorblade flick footballSean: well i think some of it is teh penguinsSean: that was funSean: AND THE REST IS MINEAdam: Yeah call 811 we're in a lot of troubleSean: what will traffic updates do for us right now?!Adam: that's 511Adam: 811 is the less urgent emergency serviceAdam: or is that emergencies in russia...Adam: anywayAdam: But it's just a little blood lossAdam: whoaAdam: a lotAdam: a lot of blood lossSean: well im not fluent any more and the russian i did know isn't spokenAdam: dear god, just rip out these floors and start anew dudeAdam: sighSean: some is the penguinsAdam: fine I'll drive you - but in YOUR carSean: ill lay in the back of the truck....just get me....oh wait i got....oh it.,..nope i think its wedged into my stomachSean: im not bleeding anymore either...i that good or bad?Adam: wellAdam: maybe because you're laying downAdam: or you might just be on emptyAdam: judging by the rate you were goingSean: how does my face look?Adam: Were you always translucent?Sean: like im becoming invisableAdam: well no but I think we should hurryAdam: umm, just elevate your stomach and try to bleed into your mouthAdam: here's some knitting needles, some yarn and some gatoradeAdam: I was on my way to grandmas for the packers game so I had all this readySean: okay i can use this...Sean: gargle gargle gargleAdam: um, don't gargle yarnAdam: you're really messed up manAdam: I think we might just want to stop at the morgueAdam: I have a cousin that works thereAdam: the one that never dates...Adam: I don't want to make things sound bad, but I think we may be wasting our time at the ERAdam: let me mapquest the morgue, actually, call 511Sean: why do you torment me. your cousin is really creepyAdam: oh you're awakeAdam: well we're on our way to the hospital, yes... the hospitalAdam: where they'll fix you... right up... *tear* buddyAdam: You'll live a long lifeAdam: playing with puppiesAdam: not bleeding out from an internal penguin woundAdam: *manic laugh*Adam: I guess that ol' penguin got you in the end, who eats who, ya know?Adam: *Sean Dies*Adam: *Adam, covered in penguin and human blood, crashes into the morgue*Adam: *THE END - Fin*


Metaphorical Conversation

May 23, 2012

Adam: love

Rachel: bitter indifference

Adam: questionable caring?

Rachel: airy dismissal

Adam: intense mood swing

Adam: snarky comment about dismissal

Rachel: failure to notice snak due to absorbtion in self

Rachel: *snark

Adam: tangent about bad childhoold

Rachel: Eyes rolled out of your line of sight and internal monologue about whiners

Adam: sudden angry outburst

Adam: comment about your similarities to your motherRachel: superior irritated condemnation of your overreaction

Adam: softly spoken threatRachel: amusement at your dramatics

Adam: physical damage to nearby wall

Adam: rapid apology

Adam: barely contained tearsRachel: put-upon sigh, grudging tending of bleeding fist

Adam: long winded explanation of terrible day

Adam: expression of appreciationRachel: scratched head and suggestion of trip to place that supplies over-suggared coffee drinks

Rachel: Christian side-hug

Adam: awkard boob grope

Adam: resigned acceptance

Adam: happy metaphorRachel: rant on trite cliches

Adam: ass-slap

Adam: new view on lifeRachel: Jaded view on life

Adam: sad realization

Adam: -fin-



How Sex is Like Pizza...

March 22, 2012

Adam: Did you know sex is like pizza?

Rachel : You can get them both from pizza delivery boys, if porn is to be believedRachel : what

Adam: even when it's bad it's still pretty good

Rachel : sometimes they can be a little crusty

Adam: Plus your friends won't mind when you force it on them

Rachel : Everyone thinks THEIRS is the best

Rachel : Can be enjoyed with meat, without meat or with all meat

Rachel : the worse it is for you, the more you enjoy it

Adam: If you have too much you just roll around in pain for a few hours?

Adam: 6 of you can enjoy it, or just by yourself

Rachel : it's good for breakfast

Adam: sometimes if you have it at your office, your coworkers get mad or jealous

Rachel : well, if you are having it at work, everybody wants some

Adam: it's condoned by congress for kids at school....?

Adam: (that was topical)

Rachel : hahaha

Adam: After it gets split more than 4 ways it gets awkward and nobody gets enough ?

Rachel : It can burn your mouth if you have it straight out of the oven?

Rachel : no...that one doesn't really work

Rachel : though, true in either case

Adam: still works

Adam: it's not good to try to get it all in your mouth at once?

Adam: ... I take that one back

Adam: It's the meaty treat that can't be beat?

Rachel : sometimes it dribbles down your chin but you dont really care?

Adam: Sometimes you shamefully order it over the phone at night?

Rachel : that one made me giggle out loud

Rachel : sometimes you can add things to it that should be really weird but just make it better?

Rachel : the ability to have it delivered to your home is a sign that you live in a civilized world?

Adam: it never turns out the same when you make it yourself?

Rachel : it's weird if you add pineapple

Adam: It's popular at birthday parties?


What John Did Last Night

February 23, 2013

Vincent: Is John with you?

Adam: Yes

Vincent: I just wanted to make sure he's not in jail

Adam: Yes but we're leaving for Mexico because of "the incident"

Vincent: Allright, I'm forwarding 3000 pesos to his account, I've got a glock and three passports in a lockbox under the name "Jason Bourne"

Adam: Way ahead of you. I need a nice tie and an iron clad alibi, along with a history of the royal lineage of Spain... also a band-aid

Vincent: Okay, he's a small business owner, uhh he hires ex convicts to make clothes for the homeless... Sweaters for Smiles

Adam: Great rent a storefront and tear the sleeves off a denim jacket. Claim it's been that way forever and put as much fake blood on the driveway as you can buy.

Adam: Johnny's going to beat this one, and no dead hooker will say otherwise.

Vincent: Hmm, she needed to die for the greater good.

Adam: She would have wanted it this way, in her own - screamy, locked in the trunk way - She's a true patriot

Vincent: She's a trooper, set for a better place, Hell?

Adam: Well to be honest it's a shallow grave by the old wrecking yard - but in spirit, sure.

Vincent: She would have wanted it that way, it's in her will. I had it forged and all her earnings are entrusted to us.

Adam: How much do you think we're looking at? Enough to buy a new face and a sturdy camping tent?

Vincent: Maybe the tent and a fourth of the surgery.

Adam: Good enough, we will convene at point 'Bravo' and then meet later at point 'shallow grave where the hooker is' also - remind me to rename that point.

Vincent: Done, see you back in the world.


(PS: An Actual Text Conversation)


Mad Lib: Stay in Touch With Friends

August 1, 2012


It's been a while, quite a while, about

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Number Seconds Minutes Days Months Years Centuries Zabnarks Lifetimes Unit of Time if memory serves me properly, since we last spoke.

I just wanted to write to catch up. Let me tell you what I've been up to. Besides dabbling in

The Dark Arts Amateur Taxidermy Finger Painting Inciting Rebellion Freestyle Nudity Blogging about my Cat Hating Foreign Films Racial Epithets Narcolepsy Hate-Mongering Gay Marriage Satanism Hobby .

I've also been participating in

High-Speed Competitive Full-Contact Experimental Olympic-Level Norwegian Epic Passive-Aggressive Group Interactive Internet Solo Mega Underwater Meditative Crowdsourced Flashmob Type of Activity Kitten Lightning Tornado Porn Knife Friend Lumberjack Hackey-Sack Frisbee Dune-Buggy Blanket Pet Accounting Relationship Solitaire Chess Balloon Cheese Object Parties Surgery Rebellion Eating Watching Punching Abuse Juggling Hating Insertion Removal Imitation Cooking Camping Snobbery Activity - which as you can imagine leaves me with a few

Broken Bones Skinned Knees Missing Limbs Bruises Missing Children Angry Neighbors Calls from the President Felony Convictions Blackout Mornings Death Threats Lost Jobs Changed Religions Dead Houseplants New Wives Mental Conditions Epiphanies Flashbacks Withdrawals Consequence .

Anyway, how is the Wife Husband Boyfriend Girlfriend Cat Dog Ghost Parents Students Cult Members Potted Plant Stamp Collection Spirit Animal Imaginary Friend Significant Other ?

Is/are He She It They He/She/It/They still as Sexy Dead Numerous Smelly Odd Scary Senile Fat Agoraphobic Allergic Terrified Stupid Fun Extreme State of Beingas I remember?

Well I've got to get back to this project at work. My boss is really

Riding Degrading Fucking Ignoring Shitting on Spying on Fisting Stalking Gouging Blackmailing Raping Hating Crank Calling Sexually Harassing Degrading Act me about it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this and feel free to write back, if we don't take the time for friends and the occaisional letter or email well then I think we'd all just be a bunch of

Wiggers Mollusks Tea-Guzzlers Frenchmen Douches Strangers Meth Addicts Assholes Bastards Freaks Sickos Jerkoffs Motherfuckers Feminists Retards Twats Wankers Tosspots Tools Insulting Term !

Affectionately Disdainfully Apathetically Somewhat Pornographically Physically Spiritually Emotionally Theoretically Infinitely Painfully Sincerely Magically Type of Farewell yours,


PS: Remember I have an

Birthday Funeral AIDS Rally Marathon Intervention Science Fair Witch-Burning BBQ Jello Wrestling Party Crippling Anxiety Attack Bahmitzvah Pity Party Event coming up and I'd love you to attend!


(( Courtesy of ))

Click to Print This Page


When You Are Brushing Your Teeth While Driving

June 5, 2013

When you are brushing your teeth while driving, it is important to have the same location for the toothbrush and toothpaste, spit cup and water bottle. The spit cup should be whatever fast food soda cup you threw into the backseat in an effort to block out the experience of having eaten fast food the last time you sinned. Aren't you always saying how bad fast food is and how earnestly you avoid it as if it was trying to force it's way inside of you? I'm sorry, but the chulupa is not trying to rape you, my friend; you're asking for it.The water bottle should be tucked into that magazine pocket on the backside of the passenger seat, for all those magazines nobody reads in cars. But that glacier of laundry that seems to be carving the back seat canyon area into existence is three feet deep, so you don't really have any friends. You smell, persona non-friendus.The toothbrush and toothpaste should be prominently displayed in the center cup holder, so that the world knows: hey, I may look like I live in here (I don't live in here: you don't ever want to see where I live, it isn't safe), but I'm not without my pride.Apply the toothpaste at a red light, do not try to paste your brush in motion, you'll end up with a stain on your pants that looks mischievous at best. Brush as long as you can stand it, because eventually some passing motorist will look at you and smile with a hint of pride at how well you multi-task. Be sure to look away quickly so as to avoid the subsequent look of disgust as they notice all the un-bagged trash piled up on your passenger seat. You'll want to hold onto that glimpse of approval from another human being the way you hold onto to all that valuable trash. (You know there's some very important papers in there, you just know it!)[Hey, remember people? Those things you used to touch that occasionally touched you back? My God it's been so long...the other day you almost got wood at the gas station when the old woman behind the counter handed you change...]All done? Now it's time to rinse. Grab that water bottle from it's quiver and swish, then roll down the window on the freeway and blow it out so that the wind throws it right back in your face. Then remember the spit cup and think about all of the things in your life that you have done. Don't worry, there should be a tissue somewhere in all that shit...


Funny 95.5 Radio Spots

June 26, 2013

Hey remember me? I'm Adam and I run this website, and I just wanted to share the latest bit of fame that's come my way.Yes unlike you unwashed peasants that dwell in squalor I've recently been featured on the Radio.Here are the audio clips that I recently recording for play on Funny 95.5 (the Sonoma County Comedy Radio Station)For more info about Funny 95.5 Radio station click here[audio mp3=""][/audio][audio mp3=""][/audio][audio mp3=""][/audio]


Audio Sketch: Friend with the Annoying Voice

July 13, 2014

[soundcloud url="" params="color=ff5500&auto_play=false&hide_related=false&show_comments=true&show_user=true&show_reposts=false" width="100%" height="166" iframe="true" /]An Audio Comedy Sketch by Fuhnny.comStarring:Matlock Zumsteg (Annoying Voice Guy)Adam Aragon (Adam)Jay Taylor (Gary)A group of friends who make all the wrong decisions. Constantly warning them and being ignored because of his outrageously bad voice is their good friend "Frankie" who tries and fails to keep them on the straight and narrow.


Video: The Wet Door Sketch

August 20, 2014

The Wet Door Sketch

  • A Visual Concept by: Matlock Zumsteg
  • Conceivably Conceived by: Matt "God" Keen
  • Conceptualized by: Adam Aragon
  • Conveniently Misappropriated by: Jesus Christo
  • Collapsed and Concealed by: Everyone

Music by: KidC3


Video: Guy on a Phone - Movie Review: Insurgent

April 23, 2015 in depth review of the film "Insurgent" by a man distracted by his cell phone.Starring:Matlock Zumsteg - Guy on a phoneAdam Aragon - InterviewerMusic by:Matlock Zumsteg & Adam Aragon


Video: Pussy Whipped The Musical

August 20, 2014

4 Men who are straight up gangstas, playing cards talking trash about women. When the mood is interrupted by some phone calls that show their softer side. Maybe it'll break out into a musical, maybe it totally won't. We're weird like that (

  • Directed by Adam Aragon
  • Written by: Adam Aragon
  • Written by: Jay Taylor
  • Starring: Jay Taylor
  • Starring: Matlock Zumsteg
  • Starring: Steven Thomas
  • Starring: Joe Krol


Video: Guy on a Phone Movie Review: Mad Max

May 25, 2015 Sean BeeringNarrator/Interviewer: Adam AragonMusic: Matlock Zumsteg & Adam AragonA man distracted on his phone gives a movie review of Mad Max: Fury Road - to hilarious effect. Enjoy Sean Beering as your "guy on the a phone" movie reviewer.


Video: The Last Piece of Chicken

August 19, 2014
  • Edited & Directed by: Adam Aragon
  • Written by: Adam Aragon
  • Written by: Jay Taylor
  • Starring: Jay Taylor
  • Starring: Matlock Zumsteg
  • Starring: Joe Krol
  • Starring: Steven Thomas

The dudes from argue over the last piece of chicken. Hilarity ensues.


Video: How NOT To Break Up - Unicorn Porn

July 20, 2015 Sketch Comedy Group - Unicorn Porn - Shows you "How Not to Break Up" with a series of shorts, showing you the wrong ways to do it.Starring:Sean BeeringChelsea CrumrineAdam AragonMatlock ZumstegTricia SiegelChris FerdinandsonDirected & Edited by: Matlock Zumsteg & Adam AragonAlso Funny funny, ha ha, oh my god you will laugh. There's straight couples, gay couples, dear god we have a ginger with a beard. There's no stopping us, we're on a roll. Watch our sketch with all the goddamned funny and try NOT to pee. I dare you.


Coffee Diaries - Part 5

February 24, 2016

Coffee: ….Me: ….Coffee: …..

Me: ….. You’re right, I’m glad we can just enjoy each other with silence sometimes. It’s nice.Coffee: …


Even More Terrible OK Cupid Headlines

February 17, 2016

We had a lot of good feedback on the latest batch of "Terrible OK Cupid Headlines"We've come up with another Batch of Terrible Headlines for a dating profile.Enjoy, as you've never enjoyed before! Remember, you can use these headlines but we're not responsible for who you'll end up meeting.

  • Dreamy Love Obsessed Girl Seeks Inhumanly Perfect Male
  • Strong Warnings Against Deviant Behavior (Must Love Dogs)
  • My Profile is Six Words Long
  • Wildly Aggressive Date-Hater
  • This is my Last Attempt at Love before Killing Myself
  • I’m not interested in Dating but This Profile Exists
  • Poly With Six Boyfriends Seeks 7th Person to Enter Maze of Complexity
  • Sexual Confused Bisexual Seeks Human Without Beard
  • Disney Princess Seeks Abusive Drug Addled Gangsta’ to Fix.
  • I Have a Boring Job and It’s All I Like to Talk About
  • I Inherently Mistrust People for Also Being on This Website
  • Here’s a list of my Favorite 500 things. Favorite.
  • Nonsense Headline Umbrella Cat Flavored Punch Balloon
  • Really Just Looking for Arguments about Politics
  • Untrustworthy Person Seeks Incredibly Trustworthy Person
  • I Will Flood You with Dick Pics Until You Date Me
  • All My Profile Pics are Abs
  • I Assume that Talking Like a Rapper at a Club will Entrance You
  • Deep Down I Am Fundamentally Flawed
  • I Smoke a Bunch of Weed, That’s all You Need to Know
  • All Downward Facing Zoomed in Selfies
  • Ambitious Fuhrer Seeks Ava for Suicide Pact
  • Most of my Life consists of my Dog
  • I’m Hot Enough to Barely Care What I Write - Banana.


Coffee Diaries - Part 2

January 23, 2016

Me: Oh Coffee, take me away from all this to a cottage by the sea!Coffee: Burble....Me: But Coffee!? You said we would love forever and die forever in each others caffeinated embrace!

Coffee: Brown.Me: Oh you Bastard! My friends warned me about you and your wily ways!!Coffee: GlubMe: You're right Coffee. I'm sorry. You just make me so crazy sometimes. I can't stay mad at you.Coffee:...SteamMe: Yes Shhh it's you and I - forever. Forever.


Coffee Diaries - Part 4

February 23, 2016

Me: Coffee, I almost forgot to drink you today…Coffee: …Me: Aww don’t be like that Coffee, I’ve just been distracted lately.

Coffee: …!Me: You’re right, You’re always right. I’ve been a bad Coffee addict and I’m sorry.Coffee: … glubMe: Oh man the Make Up Coffee is always better…


Coffee Diaries - Part 3

February 23, 2016

Me: You listen here Coffee. I have a very particular set of skills and I will find you, and I WILL drink you.Coffee: …Me: No Mr. Coffee, I expect you to die.

Coffee: *swirls*Me: We’re not so very different You and I Coffee…Coffee: *gets colder*Me: Oh who am I kidding? You had me at “…”Coffee: …


Coffee Diaries - Part 1

December 23, 2015

So tired this morning, set the coffeemaker at work to strongest coffee. Then added a shot of espresso. I think i can read the thoughts of ants, and predict their credit scores for the next 27 lifetimes. I can see between molecules and smell time-travelers.Oh Coffee, when will we just build an island out of grounds and live there forever trapped in a perfect minute?


IM-PROV: Cthulhu’s Keeper

October 7, 2015

SicSemper: Yeah, plan theta is going smoothly.WeaselBringer: I thought this was gamma?! Turn off the electric fence the land-squids must be terrified!!SicSemper: Good god man! There is ink everywhere!?WeaselBringer: Well part of the land-dwelling transformation requires that several of their glands be... well enhanced in order to handle the new strainWeaselBringer: This new species can shoot ink over 50 feet and in amounts of near 2-3 litersWeaselBringer: There’s a little game we play with them and a bulls eye, you know what, it’s not importantSicSemper: I am FULLY aware of what their glands can do! Their paddock looks like a Goddamned Rorschach.WeaselBringer: That’s actually jenkins fault sir, he’s on cleanupSicSemper: And do you know how much that ink was worth? Oh Jenkins, I love that we can use him as a scapegoat.SicSemper: Is he still mad about missing part of his pinky after the whole "touch their beak" thing?WeaselBringer: I’ve asked him several times and he simply refuses to go back in, despite measures taken to retrieve the pinky, he’s very sullenWeaselBringer: I’ll have his pay cut until he goes back in the pen...SicSemper: That boy does love his squids.SicSemper: How is their skeletal modifications coming?WeaselBringer: Most of them can use their newfound agility to draw rudimentary shapes, however the leader, whom we’ve taken to calling “Nero” has mastered his limbs to an alarming degree, he appears to be teaching himself brazilian jujitsuWeaselBringer: we’re flying in an expert to confirmSicSemper: Good. And they seem to be at...peace?WeaselBringer: Oh ... I wouldn’t say that sirWeaselBringer: Most of them due to glandular problems seem to be extremely anxious or um... how to say thisWeaselBringer: Sexually activeSicSemper: Ah...WeaselBringer: both Johnson and Mackenzie have been hospitalized twiceWeaselBringer: and nurse Flora had to have an abortion last week, not quite sure how that one worked....SicSemper: The extra holes in the walls don't seem so ridiculous now, eh?SicSemper: I was worried about cross breeding.WeaselBringer: I can’t see how you knew, but yes it’s quite amazing.WeaselBringer: Any other species we’ve introduced them to has not survived the process, so thus far, except for Nurse Flora, god help her; nobody can conceiveSicSemper: Let's go ahead and drop a whale in there, ALIVE. Give them something to tear apart. Remove Flora from the premises, do a full genome break down of her DNA. I have an idea…yes.SicSemper: Let's start "Nero" on video stimulation. Start streaming the first three seasons of "Fraiser" on loop.WeaselBringer: I’ll take care of the details sir, but we have the other... issueSicSemper: And that is?WeaselBringer: The hybrid you requested has some major problemsSicSemper: Hmmm?WeaselBringer: It’s gained speech and seems to think it’s Cthulhu the forgotten god, and to be fair it is an uncanny resemblence.WeaselBringer: Now it’s exhibiting strange powers and I suspect that it is telepathically controlling it’s handlersWeaselBringer: it’s nearly been set loose a dozen times and has increased it’s own feeding schedule to 10 times it’s initial program for food supplySicSemper: Excellent.WeaselBringer: Sir? It seems like it’s barely containable and it has grown to gargantuan proportionsSicSemper: Okay listen carefullySicSemper: Start emitting low frequencies into the paddock. That will shake it's telepathic control.SicSemper: It's appetite is ravenous, I know.SicSemper: Drop in a half ton of organic kale. This will cause stomach blockage and discomfort, but it will eat it anyway.SicSemper: Jenkins was the one to hatch him, so get him there now, covered in ink if need be. If Jenkins does not die immediately then we keep the subject, otherwise incinerate it.WeaselBringer: I will have Jenkins brought by force if necessary sirWeaselBringer: the kale will be hard to get in this season but I’ll do what I canWeaselBringer: Sir, if I may ask, what is the ... Goal of the “Old Gods” project? We haven’t seen a briefing or anythingSicSemper: Space exploration. We are going to the stars. We are going to shape the cosmos. We are going to fix this world. We shall show them all the WAYS THEY WERE WRONG! WE SHALL PROVE WE ARE STRONGER THAN ANYONE ELSE! WE SHALL PROVE TO SHARON THAT THIS WASN'T AN OBSESSION!WeaselBringer: Sir, you’re.. hurting meWeaselBringer: please let goSicSemper: Ahem...sorry I forget myself.WeaselBringer: Who is Sharon?SicSemper: Who?WeaselBringer: You said we’ll prove to sharonSicSemper: Did I?SicSemper: It's not important.WeaselBringer: As you say sirWeaselBringer: Um, I really have to find Jenkins he’s usually trying to hang himself about nowSicSemper: Okay soldier.SicSemper: Let him know, his father is proud of him.WeaselBringer: You’re his.... Oh my god- FIN -


Considered Caffeinated and Extremely Enlightened

March 23, 2016

Coffee Level: 10/12I had extra strong coffee with a shot of espresso. I think i can squat thrust a fighter jet full of wolves. I just invented a new form of math, proved that it can’t exist and then turned it into a color nobody has seen before.I can feel the emotions of trees and teach them to love lumberjacks. I am currently levitating about 3 inches off of my chair and typing with the wind-force of my eyelids.

I am coffee reborn. All is hot and brown. The fabric of reality is my hand puppet and I am currently moving at Warp 10 (which is nowhere at all).‪#‎coffeelife‬ ‪#‎abittoofar‬ ‪#‎caffeinatedasfuck‬


Titanic is a Gigantic Conspiracy

September 27, 2016

I have an ongoing theory with Joe Krol that the movie Titanic is basically a story about torturing Bill Paxton by telling him a meandering 9 hour story about losing a girls virginity followed by throwing the culmination of his life's work into the ocean in a romantic gesture / fuck-you to Bill. Long story short?Rose is a terrible person who banged Jack, Stole a Priceless Jewel, refused to share a door that could have supported 3 people and let him freeze to death while she sat and watched, only to later ruin Bill Paxton's life as well.#TossTheJewel #2PeoplePerDoor #PaxtonHate


Coffee Diaries - Part 7

March 21, 2016

Me: *Spits Out Red Bull* Coffee you're here early.Coffee: ...Me: Ah yes, this is Red Bull I was just in the mood for something different.

Coffee: ...Me: No no! It's not what it looks like. Red Bull and I are just friends. It means nothing to me.Coffee: ...Me: Seriously?! Like you've never had Cream or Frappe? What about the time you were iced?Coffee: ...Me: You're right I'm sorry. I should have at least included you. It just seemed like a lot all at once. Sometimes you just want some variety you know? You're still my number one beverage.Coffee: *burble*Me: Sigh. You're the best. You are. You.


Coffee Diaries - Part 6

February 25, 2016

Me: Coffee, I think it’s time we see where this relationship is going.Coffee: ….Me: I know, I know you don’t like labels, I just, can’t stop thinking about you.

Coffee: *Steams*Me: I suppose it doesn’t matter what we call it…Coffee: ….Me: Well I like you black and I don’t care what people think of that. Obviously we’re an item and other people can just deal with that.Coffee: *drip*Me: I guess I am losing sight of the big picture, I mean love is love right? As long as you’re always there.Coffee: ….Me: I know I’m crazy, We all get insecure, just get in my mouth and let’s forget this ever happened.


Coffee Diaries - Part 9

September 27, 2016

So usually I have one cup of coffee in the mornings and this weekend I only had coffee once. Then today like a genius I had a tall red bull.My heart is a fire engine that can shoot ironic fire. I want to bench-press Batman who is bench-pressing a lion that’s loaded with gold because we’re riding that bitch to El Dorado Motherfuckers. To put the. gold. back.My eyes can see through my eyelids and I can tell when you’re lying at 30 paces. I can type so fast I’m melting keyboards and the whole internet feels like dial-up. I just learned and forgot Japanese for the sole purpose of writing a meme to a cat who I built out of molecules. Also I can move molecules.

My brain feels like it’s full of joyous ants who are each riding bee’s into an spastic orgy of ideas. I have 9 senses and 3 of them are geared toward thinking about writing a novel about writing novels that’s geared toward illiterate ghosts.I want to chase bullets and phase through matter. This isn’t a coffee post. This is a red bull post. You’re a red bull. All is red. I’m a bull. THIS BULL IS A DEMON AND I WILL DEFEAT IT. Why are hummingbirds so slow!?


Coffee Diaries - Part 8

May 27, 2016

Me: Hey Coffee, I don’t ever want to take you for granted.Coffee: …Me: Well every time you burn my mouth, it reminds me that I have to cherish you, or it will hurt like hell.Coffee: …Me: I guess relationships are like that in general, what’s the allegory here for the burning? Like fights? Do we fight in my mouth every morning?Coffee: … *drip*Me: Yes, Yes I’m being silly and filthy-minded. That’s my jam. But maybe the fights or the difficult times help us appreciate the better times?Coffee: …Me: God, you’re so wise… and hot.Coffee: ….


Coffee, Take me Away

November 23, 2015

So tired this morning, set the coffeemaker at work to strongest coffee. Then added a shot of espresso. I think i can read the thoughts of ants, and predict their credit scores for the next 27 lifetimes. I can see between molecules and smell time-travelers.Oh Coffee, when will we just build an island out of grounds and live there forever trapped in a perfect minute?


The Wild World of Bill Paxton

January 9, 2017

Well I was chatting with my good buddy - Joe "The Giraffe" Krol, and got to talking about our mutual love of the one and only Bill Paxton. Often considered the finest actor who ever lived on the planet. Here is my list of Completely (Un)True Facts about "The Bard" Bill Paxton (RIP)

In 1948 Bill Paxton was declared the new “Rosetta Stone” and is the conduit for which all language now travels

Bill Paxton once lifted the earth to see if there was anything underneath and found a rare Nickel with an upside down face on it.

One time during an interview a reporter asked Bill Paxton to tell him “Everything he knew” and subsequently his head immediately exploded. Bill to his credit, was only trying to accomadate the reporter and was later aquitted of all 2nd degree murder charges

It’s said in the inner circles of acting, to imitate Bill Paxton is the ultimate “Method” and such greats as Robert Dinero, Marlon Brando and Bill Paxton himself all credit Bill Paxton as their greatest inspiration

Fun Fact: Bill Paxton actually played the metallic suit worn by Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 1 & 2” Part 3’s suit was played by Amy Adams and a modified ice cooler.

Once on the set of Blue Lagoon, which Bill Paxton did not appear in, a Key Grip asked Bill Paxton for some advice on how to teach his kids to read. Bill Paxton proceeded to quote the entire bible from cover to cover and the Key Grips children learned to read that very night. Their names were changed to “Bill” and “Paxton” respectively out of admiration.

During a high stakes poker game, Bill Paxton bet the “Future of Human Race” and won with a straight flush, forcing the Devil ever deeper into hell.

There’s a rumor going around that Bill Paxton will play every role in a new version of Lord of the Rings that takes place in New Jersey and has twice the budget of the original Jackson version.

it's a little known fact that Bill Pullman is actually a failed Bill Paxton cloning experiment perpetrated by the North Korean shadow government. Pullman believes himself to be Paxton under cover. They have never worked together due to Pullman's fear of the truth.

Fun fact!! Bill Paxton is a actually a full functioning automaton created by Leonardo DaVinci in an underground layer in Atlantis. The sole purpose of the "B il Pax tune" or the "second end of peace then" was to be a shell for a philosophers stone in which lead was turned to gold to destabilize the world's precious metal market.


Coffee Diaries - Part 10

September 27, 2016

Was getting over a cold/cough last week that was dragging me down. So I stopped drinking coffee and just focused on getting better for a while. So I got back to work today and picked up my first cup of coffee in a week.WIZARDJUICE:: I can see light travel from one point to another. I can read the minds of office equipment and my stapler hates white people and staples, which is ironic. I can sense minute changes in air pressure from mosquitos that aren’t born yet. I am currently phase-shifting through various dimensions and each one is way more purple than the last. I feel like I could throw a giraffe through a Ford Escalade or vice-versa. My mind is currently planning it’s next 90 chess moves on an imaginary game with an AI it’s also developing in concurrent tandem. I can smell time passing…(( I missed you coffee ))


Choose Your Own WikiHow Adventure

May 10, 2017

Going down the rabbit hole of WikiHow's 'Random Article' button can be a productive experience. You can pick up some desert island skills. You can also learn some things that will make other people stare at you blankly. Whatever I'm practically on the spectrum anyway you assholes. Here's some recent highlights.

How to Make Jolly Ranchers you I like em

How to "Say No" to Teenage Sex didn't find this one useful

How to Look like a Princess if I had gotten this one first though.

How to Treat a Wound Created by an Impaled Object a guy walks into a bar and says, Any teenaged princesses want some jolly ranchers? You'll never BELIEVE what happened next.

How to Avoid Being Served Court Papers or Notices saga continues.

How to Make an Ocean Diorama for Earth Day this one doesn't quite fit into the theme but is still a handy thing to know

How to Attract Birds minions

How to Identify a Gifted Child free minions

How to Tell Your Parents You Want to Act applies to 'Dance'

How to Forgive a Cheating Husband 'stab wound,' aboveAnd finally the most essential skill of all

How to Tell the Difference between Essential Oil and Infused Oil


Reaching the Singularity

January 18, 2017

yeah, I think it can die

So can we all

I'm pretty sure we will

I plan on not
I’m hoping the singularity will come before I die
I need to upload my consciousness Rei, the world needs me

hey that's my goal too, but also only if my actual consciousness can be uploaded, not just a clone of it. I want it to actually be me. Not a copy and the original me dies, so they need to work that out first

I think that’s semantic, the only difference there is that you Get killed vs die naturally

yes and no, like, I want THIS ME to continue
*I* want to continue

Yeah but if it’s a perfect copy?

that's nice for the copy but this is about selfish survival instinct, a copy is basically progeny. I want literal immortality - not immortality through offspring

Let’s put it this way, if you had 1 year to live and you could copy yourself now but you would transfer to the net, your body would collapse and die. Vs You can copy yourself and your body can keep going for another year ?

No that's the thing i don't care about my body, if I could upload my mind right now. I would do it but I want it to be the *me* that I am not a copy of me with my memories - not a duplicate

A perfect copy wouldn’t be progeny, that would just be a copy. You’re not creating ‘something’ with your traits you’re copying ALL your traits, progeny by nature is not a perfect copy

do you get what I mean?
I want THIS self to survive
like... you know in The Sixth Day

I think a perfect copy would read to you as ‘this’ self
- Do you mean you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger? Or Johnny cab?

and the clone THINKS he is the original, he has all the same thoughts and memories and impulses

Well yeah, but that assumes that the clone is kept ignorant of his origin. Which honestly could be fine

but he is NOT the original, this isn't about the clone
this is about the original, as the original

What if they arranged it so they erased your memory for a week (for example) so you think you just had a car accident and woke back up in a body that doesn’t age

I want MY consciousness to continue, like, i am fine with being separated from my meat sack, as long as it is a continuation of my own consciousness, not a copy that thinks it is

Put another way, I think a ‘perfect’ copy of your consciousness bothers you because you just want to be unique and one of a kind, but I think there’s MORE immortality in having like 12 Rei’s, Personally I would have a Rei-Bot - with some general tweaks to our sex life

I don't want to be one of the Hugh Jackmans from the Prestige

that reminds me I need to watch prestige again

I have no attachment to this host, but I want to continue as myself, not to stop existing and have a different version of myself start. I am tied to the me

But literally you could NOT know
we could arrange it so you’re not aware of being a copy

no that's the point
it wouldn't be ME that wasn't aware of being a copy
it would be a copy that wouldn't be aware of being a copy

Here at fictional cloning singularity enterprises, we get this question a lot. We have a money back guarantee that if at any point you experience an existential crisis you will be refunded in total and given a free tote bag...

it's well handled in that episode of Black Mirror

It’s a really nice tote bag

there's never any question that it's them

Like leather with an embossed logo, it’s not cheap

can I get the tote bag anyway

I mean… with a trial maybe? Like we clone you up to age 15 and you can hang out with teenage Rei for a while…

I want black mirror style consciousness upload or nothing

Listen ma’am i know what you’ve seen on the holovids seems very real but I assure you it’s total flights of fancy. The act of cloning is indeed dirty and messy and imperfect, however we have this amazing tote bag. it’s not any additional cost and can easily hold a weekends worth of clothes

give me the tote bag and gtfo

I’ve actually decided that I love this tote bag, and I will likely quit my job today, even thought that means giving up my immortality, as this tote bag has inspired me to be a bolder and more courageous person


It's How You Say It...

September 11, 2017

I used to work at a retail job a long time ago, and when I would walk in every day a certain manager would always cheerily say “Hey how are you!?” And for months I would always say “Oh good thanks, I’m fine, doing fine” etc. He would quickly step over my comments and say things “Great! Good good” and it became apparent very quickly he wasn’t listening...One day I decided that I would say the things I was thinking but match his cheerful tone. So for months I would come in and the exchange would be something like this —Him: “Hey how are you today!?” *Super cheerful*Me: “I’m a cog in a corporate machine and sometimes I think I’m not real!” *uber cheerful*Him “Great! Awesome"Me: ...The thing was, the TONE was all that mattered and not only did he NEVER notice the content of what it was I said, he actually commented several times on my “positive attitude”.Here are some other highlights of things I shouted cheerfully across a store to a manager -Him:  “Hey how are you today!?”Me:

  • “I feel like a drone in an army of bees!”
  • “I woke up wondering if this is hell!”
  • “I am so hungover I think I jumped a curb today!”
  • “I feel empty and my life is hollow!”
  • “I dread every day here like the plague!”
  • “I had 12 nightmares about spiders!”
  • “I’m speaking in a cheerful tone so you can’t see my pain!”

The moral here is two things:1. It’s not what you say it’s how you say it2. Never ask me about anything in the mornings.


Caffeine-Laced Coffee Rant

December 5, 2019

I'm a fan of coffee, we all know this. What you don't know is that I have imbibed the "Brown Juice of Justice" as i call it in order to transcend all mortal boundaries and feel my way clumsily through the NeverVerse (patent pending) to a rapid, pants-pissingly accelerated enlightenment. Sure, we could hypothesize all day that maybe I'm just sensitive to caffeine. OR MAYBE I AM CHOSEN BY THE GODS BENEATH TO BREATHE PRISMATIC ESPRESSO FIRE AT YOUR SOULS. It really could be either one.All I know is that above a certain coffee-based speed, time slows down, and beyond the beyond, lies the reverse. When the sum of all observable matter collapses around you in a flash and matter is pulled inward to an inevitable beginning; There lies the dormant cells of the universe that came before in a reality based on what some would call "Spooky stuff" or "The world of Dragons" Dragons are bitching, they should have a whole universe of lizard people that breathe fire. But they pay taxes and drive silly cars and go to plays about wingless pink skinned worm people who punch the sun.I'm fairly certain that I can peel back the film of reality like the screen cover on your phone and find out that in fact, yes, we can scratch at our perceptions beneath (and this reality is filthy). Leaving rifts in time and space that pour out dirty jokes and pop music from the veil of souls. I'm off topic though. What I wanted to say is that I got a new coffeemaker and that shit is fire. Love you all, you're nothing but atoms. Peace.



April 9, 2019

COFFEE: As I drank a cappuccino too quickly today I felt my mind fly ever-deeper into the void. Past the microscopic, the sub-atomic, the quantum-theoretical. Beyond infinitive where non-euclidean geometry forms. Where brain weasels reign supreme from thrones made of frosted glass and old homework from the 5th grade that nobody ever bothered to read. Where Tamagotchi go when they die again.Hence all decisions and a total lack thereof became one and the same and everything I could and would accomplish in the span of a relative time stream became the ultimate and complete lack of any relevant product or result. Meaning that by doing nothing I was doing everything.As I sat and pondered this I thought of a snippet of poetry, a clever version of chess, a passive aggressive greeting that will really show that guy by the water cooler he's not amusing, a hilarious and offensive innuendo that ended up being a triple entendre, and what an inside-out origami monster would look like. After the quick glance at the clock I realized that 0.0005 seconds had passed, the cup is still in my hands, the coffee on it's way to my mouth, the liquid sloshing inevitably toward my psyche.I am the light fantastic. I am the technicolor dreamcoat. I am the jester of the kingdom at the end of the universe and I smell like cinnamon forever from this day forth. I have decided. My will be done. It is so.#TooMuchCaffeine


The Future of Gaming

September 15, 2005

There's been a lot of talk about the upcoming "Console Wars" See our earlier article about Xbox360 vs PS3.We think it would be better to focus on the future of gaming, or some similar nonsensical string of buzzwords, like the "Paradigm of Virtual Life" You see I'm so clever I could just title this article all day long. But the future can't wait! (zing) Here are my predictions.The New Names:We all know the new consoles are now called the "Xbox 360" and the "Playstation 3" and "Nintendo Revolution" But what will the consoles AFTER that be called? Here are some predictions for Microsoft, Sony, and Nintendo.Sony 4th Generation console name ideas1. Playstation 4 XP2. StationPlay -43. PS The footnote4. The Not X-box5. The Silver Baboon6. MegatronMicrosoft 3rd Generation Console name ideas1. Xbox 720!2. SeXbox3. Apple Mac G64. Xbox 3: XXX State of the console5. YBox6. AlmostPCNintendo 6th (sorta) Generation console name ideas1. GameSphere (you heard it here first!)2. Maximum Revolution Demolition3. The "Please buy it"4. Pokemon Platform5. Wacky Fun Thingy6. Playskool will buy it and call it *babysitter box*Now that I've asserted my Genius we can all rest easy but what Features will be included with the New wacky digital wave of techno virtual-buzzword filled gaming superfuture?? (phew thats getting long winded)Featuring Features!Sony Playstation4 - Up to 37 wireless controllers!So you can all have postage stamp sized segments of the screen and go blind within MINUTES!19 Quad Core cross parellaxed CellX Processor MagixThis is case your Sonybox needs to calculate Pi every 1/130000th of a second or run that SETI crap, whatever...Cock-Slot Memory sticksSimply insert your genitalia into the Blo-Job memory slot to have your game progress embedded in the shaft of your penis with hydraulic force! And they say gaming isn't sexually diverse, girls can play, they just can't save without the "Sony-Strap-on Pro Duo Cards"Organic Storage Unit 1xIn an effort to cram more storage into a small medium we've decided to utilize the endless potentional of the organic genetic structure. Your games will now come on small slimy sentient creatures that vaguely represent a seahorse crossed with a monkey. When the new storage medium is upgraded you can simply breed your games for instant upgrades (or mini-games)Spotlight AC adaptorSony likes style, hell sony almost SPELLS style if you're dyslexic or retarded. And they like to make the best looking hardware on the planet. So to exemplify their mission statement (To make the world sexier and to use memory sticks) The Ac adaptor for the wall plug also includes a flexible 2000 watt halogen spotlight to direct at the console's highly reflective sexually deviant profile.*Note: pointing the Spotlight AC at any object other than a Sony product will result in fragments of white-hot bulb glass flying into your pets and children.* **NOTE:note::this may happen anyway Sony is a harsh mistress**Microsoft Xbling 3FREE Forklift!!The Xbox has gotten smaller but with the increase in density and technology the next generation of xbox will weigh in the neighborhood of 7 tons, (right next door to Oprah! oooh) And you need some way to get it to your friends house short of forming a cadre of slaves to lug it.Wireless Wired controllersThe current Generation of consoles feature wireless controllers, but what happens if you lose them? There's no tracking down player two in your filthy hovel of an apartment, what's a game geek to do? Well we plugged the parameters into Microsoft Logic 2009 (now with thinking!) and it suggested we tether the wireless controllers permanently to the console so you'll never lose your wireless controllers,*Note* Tether is 27 inches long and cannot be removedNow with John!As technology plummets inevitably forward, we are faced with more and more of a steep learning curve for the current wave of technology. Well focus groups have shown that people are comfortable with "Real People" And so the New Xbox will come with your very own Microsoft Technician. They have all been brainwashed and named John for your convenience. John is very helpful and not allowed to stray more than 3 meters from your console, he also can survive on sawdust for several weeks at a time.Media Connected Pre-viewerWith Xbox already becoming a media hub in the home, we've taken it one step further. Instead of old fashioned "Tivo" functionality. The new Xbox will actually watch TV for you and tell you what you want to watch! The commercials (and parts of the show) that Xbox finds 'boring' will be replaced with still images of Bill Gates vacation to India!The Nintendo Embolysm (7th gen)Will come in Fuschia...Mauve and Taupe coming soon.Well that's all the time we have for today, we hope that this will give you all some perspective on the current trend of videogaming and realize that you don't have to leap naked out your bedroom windows to buy the latest and greatest console. Because there's always something overhyped and slightly better in the distant horizon. I guess in this sense, it's like marriage. Gee I think we've all learned a lesson today. Don't get married or stick your genitalia in a pre-4th generation console... Unless you're married to the console.-Dick


There is No God...

September 29, 2005

Yesterday a military court found Private Lynndie England, a sort of David Lynchian take on Gomer Pyle, guilty of abusing inmates at the Abu Ghraib prison. The prison abuses, which by all accounts were extensive and creative, have officially been rectified. Justice is served and everyone can go home happy (except for the people still in prison). In the off chance you were one of the poor suckers that got photographed nude next to the adorable England, you can sleep well tonight for your tormenters have been brought to justice. Of course I'm being sarcastic there, because as a child of the Internet, I know nothing but negativity. I truly believe the abuses that took place in Abu Ghraib were not the work of a few rascally bad apples, and that higher ups were most likely aware and complicit. Otherwise, they were negligent and not paying attention, which is bad in its own right.

The fact nobody major has taken any responsibility or heat for this case undoubtedly looks bad in the eyes of the rest of the world, especially Iraqis. Because of this, I purpose we also blame the shameful actions of Abu Ghraib on former FEMA director and current FEMA payroll recipient Michael Brown. It's a one-two punch really. Nobody likes that guy as is, and he's a real pompous jerk to top it off. Prior to the hurricane, the only things I knew about Louisiana was that its government was riddled with corruption and that Gambit was from there. I don't fault the state and local governments because I had no faith in them to begin with. Besides, they were sitting around a giant sewer after the disaster. I find more faults with the people that had military and national resources that sat around outside the sewer while Americans died and tore each other apart. A friend of a friend of mine was in the Superdome and he said people there resorted to cannibalism and idol worship. Also, he's not entirely sure, but he thinks there may have been at least one great train robbery. This was a month before the hurricane, though. I can't imagine how bad it was during and after the hurricane. I'm glad it's finally okay to play the blame game because I was worried that wasn't going to happen.

I'm going to get a giant foam hand with finger sticking out so I can point and root for the blamers and the blamed from home. Deep down inside, though, I know no one will ever be held accountable and that my foam-powered pointing will be an empty gesture aimed at nothing. At the very least, it will serve as a sponge for my tears. Then I'm going to jab Scott McClellan in the eye with it for being the most obnoxious human being ever created. Hopefully my tears will strangle his tears in the process. Personally I feel compelled to blame the elderly, handicapped, and poor citizens for not taking the opportunity to prove the impossible is possible, that miracles can and do happen. Look at the miracle unfolding in Iraq right now.

Under Saddam Hussein the country was a totalitarian state with limited freedoms, harsh punishments, and oppressive conditions. Now it's miraculously changed into a giant exploding tinderbox with a bunch of rival factions trying to claim ownership of the oil, because that's probably the only thing that isn't going to be completely owned by foreign companies. While the new government argues what exactly the government can and can't do, lots of tourists with guns have come by to shoot at people and set off bombs. They weren't there before, so that's a brand new threat we inspired. I hear that we had to go into Iraq to fight this new threat there so that we wouldn't have to fight them here. I know my neighbor wants to kill me and I'm going to prove it by murdering his family. I'm not sure how many people have to die before the victims of 9/11 have been properly avenged, but I hope it's not that many more.

I won't deny that these wars help my geography skills a great deal, but it's just not worth it to me. I also hope that the people that were killed in the process of avenging the victims of 9/11 don't have to be avenged themselves, because this could get very messy. I can't remember if we declared "no avenge-backs" before we went to war or not. Some of the people that botched the war in Iraq got medals. I hope the medal Michael Brown gets is made out of dog crap and I hope the strap breaks shortly after it goes around his neck so that he has to bend over to pick up his dog crap medal. I hope his pants rip when he does that, too. Then I hope a pretty lady sees him and laughs at him. Basically I just hope he has the worst day ever and maybe misses his bus and has to walk all the way home. In the rain. Speculation that Karl Rove outed a spy has kind of died down and everybody has forgotten that he or one of his coworkers committed light treason and that the White House flip-flopped on whether or not they would fire "anyone who has anything to do with it." Wasn\'t that giant emotionless robot John Kerry demonized for flip-flopping? I specifically voted against him on the sole basis that he flip-flopped on something or other and could very well flip flop again. I hate flip-flops and prefer regular shoes. I have a special place in my heart for shoe phones.

Don Adams recently died, and he will forever be remembered as TV super spy Maxwell Smart. Can you imagine if someone in the White House leaked Maxwell Smart's identity as a spy to the public? It's not so innocent now, is it? I feel crushed. I don't think I'll ever walk again. While the battle for Iraq continues to continue to heat up and simultaneously wind down, another war is being raged to get intelligent design taught in schools along side such theories as "evolution" and "study hall." If there is any justice in this world intelligent design will kick the shit out of evolution, tie it up, and drag it behind a pickup truck until it dies, thus sending it back to the depths of hell along with all other forms of logic and reasoning. There were dinosaurs and man living together and I know this because the Bible says so. Jurassic Park 3:16, asshole. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that there doesn't seem to be a lot of justice in this world. And because this lack of justice, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It occurred to me that, through the eyes of the octopus, we must look awfully incompetent and corrupt. It's not everyday you realize you're disappointing octopuses, and that has me a little worried. I think we could do better, because frankly this situation is embarrassing. We may not have 8 long tentacles or be able to shoot ink out of our groins, but those aren't necessary skills in building a sane and rational world. Sure they help, but human ingenuity is pretty crafty as well. The octopus may use its ink for propulsion and evasion, but we use ink to write books. We've already got an edge, now let's start cutting shit with it.


State Superiority #2

January 13, 2009

2:25:10 PM sikkitten: anything new and exciting in CA?2:29:39 PM sikkitten: entertain meeeeeee!2:30:50 PM weaselbringer: all of california is now a sovereign state and everyone has been declared king2:31:17 PM sikkitten: Sweet.2:31:33 PM weaselbringer: it's been determined by our governor (who has saved the world many times - according to the historical videos) that we will need the rest of the US to act as our subjects in order to support this many "Kings"2:32:02 PM weaselbringer: But he's assured us that we are all indeed god's chosen few, plus we banned religion and made abortion mandatory for anyone with an IQ below 1582:32:34 PM weaselbringer: I cheated on my "Smart enough to live in calfornia test" to get 156 so... free abortions2:32:34 PM sikkitten: how can you be God's chosen few if religion is banned?2:32:58 PM weaselbringer: We're also all gods, so we're our own chosen few to be king by the only deity we acknowledge which is ourselves2:33:10 PM weaselbringer: its very complicated for you "Other" people2:33:33 PM sikkitten: yeah.2:33:59 PM sikkitten: See...that's why I can't live in CA. I'm not smart enough to understand the laws.2:39:41 PM sikkitten: entertain me!2:41:16 PM weaselbringer: Lesser Known Fact: California is actually a chunk of heaven that fell to earth and wiped out Northern mexico2:41:29 PM weaselbringer: we also killed the dinosaurs, but I think we've made up for that2:41:32 PM sikkitten: Well, duh!2:41:37 PM sikkitten: aww!2:41:42 PM sikkitten: I like dinosaurs!2:41:48 PM weaselbringer: Dude, they were SO rude, I"m talking aggro2:42:43 PM weaselbringer: they were all, "Why are you causing catastrophic earthquakes and poisonous typhoons and" blah blah blah, I swear if they could keep their mind off their meat and their eggs for ONE Second2:42:47 PM weaselbringer: they wouldn't have been wiped out2:43:14 PM weaselbringer: but no, it's always eat eat eat with them and then breed and protect these eggs, or go eat the eggs, brains the size of kittens you know...2:43:30 PM sikkitten: yay! Kittens!2:43:37 PM weaselbringer: not the good kind2:43:46 PM weaselbringer: Calfornia invented Kittens you know...2:43:55 PM weaselbringer: Before that they use to just come out full grown and grumpy2:44:13 PM weaselbringer: Plus they used to shoot venom but california banned creepy shit in 19042:44:22 PM sikkitten: HAHAHAHA!2:44:29 PM weaselbringer: although I think it may be time to re-define that term2:45:07 PM weaselbringer: 1904's version of creepy was all "Hooligans dropping trash outside of designated receptacles and off-colour jokes" but I think the times may have changed slightly2:45:43 PM sikkitten: yeah....2:48:34 PM weaselbringer: California's first governor was Zeus, and since then, we've determined each governor by their perceived "Ability to wrestle a hydra"2:48:55 PM weaselbringer: Which explains why Davis was booted and Schwarzenegger is IN baby2:49:08 PM sikkitten: HAHAHA!2:50:27 PM weaselbringer: I'm guessing that on your filthy plot of ill-gotten land that you guys probably draw straws or blindfold the electorates and spin them around and let them pick the governor by the age-old "Duck duck goose" theorem, but we've found that to be a little trite2:51:25 PM sikkitten: but it's fun!2:51:29 PM sikkitten: and we get SNOW2:51:33 PM weaselbringer: usually the aliens (that only our state has contact with) sends down a few recommendations along with our next shipment of flying cars and magic wands2:51:35 PM sikkitten: which still manages to enchant me.2:51:49 PM sikkitten: ...I wanna wand.2:51:52 PM sikkitten: *pout*2:52:09 PM weaselbringer: Ah yes snow, the frozen dirty rain of the upper who-gives-a-crap area of the US2:52:59 PM weaselbringer: We have some of that too, but enough sense to shove it into piles on top of mountains for skiing, we also invented snow cones, up till then you people were just eating UNFLAVORED snow, cretins...2:53:02 PM sikkitten: You mean the awesome awesome of awesome.2:53:55 PM weaselbringer: Oh I'm sorry, you made a common outside-california mistake, you see the word awesome here means "Californian and/or Perfect in nature" where in the rest of the world it has another meaning, so what you PROBABLY meant to say was..2:54:21 PM sikkitten: the awesome awesome of awesome.2:54:26 PM weaselbringer: "The craptastic craptastic of craptastic and we eat poo"2:54:51 PM weaselbringer: it's a common mistake I wouldn't beat yourself up over it2:55:04 PM sikkitten:2:55:08 PM weaselbringer: But if you'll excuse me I have to go post this on my blog, which you can now read to entertain yourself


Absolutely Terrible OK Cupid Profile Headlines

February 12, 2016

If you've ever meandered around in the dirty and terrifying world of online dating. You've probably had to fill out the dreaded headline. The "Tagline" for your whole failed sex-life that led you to whoring yourself out on a glorified shopping cart to sell your genitals to other people who are as suspicious as they are lonely. Which is to say, extremely (both).I've worked forever trying to find the perfect headline with mixed results. However I've finally decided to swing to the other side of the old fence and come up with the absolute worst OK Cupid Profile Headlines.Here's a quick-tip You're welcome to use these, but we're not responsible for what you'll end up getting. ENJOY!

My list of Terrible OK Cupid Headlines

  • Sexually Frustrated Dwarf Seeks Snow White
  • Bitter Antagonist Seeks Arch-Nemesis
  • My Entire Life is a Lie
  • I Cannot Love Anyone and I'm poor.
  • My Apartment Smells like Chickens
  • Imaginary Person With Delusions of Grandeur
  • Fake Profile to Get Your Credit Card
  • Abusive Alpha Male with Drinking Problem
  • Transgender Feminist Hates Men and Women... Just Looking!
  • I am Donald Trump
  • Indiana Jones Seeks Temple of Matrimony
  • Hateful Bastard Wants to be Left Alone
  • Guy who lives in Car wants smelly chick who hates Gluten
  • Complete Stereotypical Bro looking for Tang
  • My Anger Issues Need Serious Addressing also Obey Me
  • Divorced / Widowed a Matter of Perspective
  • Super Shy Person with Strong Judgmental Attitude
  • Walmart Greeter seeks Billionaire Baroness
  • Super Fucking Christian
  • Polymorphic Androgynous Pansexual Seeking Everything
  • I Will Fuck Your House Plants
  • I Will Not Fuck Your House Plants
  • Grammer Nazee Judging All Youre Stupid Faces
  • Lover of Love in all Ways (No Blacks)
  • Open Minded Catholic Seeks Exact Clone
  • Totally Not a Hooker for 500$
  • I'll Identity Theft Your Heart
  • Man baby seeks Mother Figure for Angry Tirade


X360 vs Ps3: A Dialogue

September 7, 2005

[10:59] WeaselBringer: Xbox 360 had perfect dark zero for a 'halo style flagship game' but they lost it due to delays, so they're trying to decide what the flagship game will be, which means the first main game they force down our throats will probably be a racer[10:59] WeaselBringer: neato[11:00] WeaselBringer: Maybe they'll have like Halo 2.5 the 1024x Edition, Now with shiny things![11:01] BriggsinCali: well, halo certainly was fun[11:02] BriggsinCali: yea, i really hope Sony comes out with something nice once they finally release ps3 [11:06] WeaselBringer: of course sony decided to embrace blu-ray 2x speeds for the ps3 - (extra 100$ cost per unit for sony)[11:07] WeaselBringer: meaning the ps3 should be out in 7 years and cost 203,000 dollars[11:07] BriggsinCali: yea, that worries me a bit[11:07] BriggsinCali: by the time it comes out, it won't be special anymore[11:08] WeaselBringer: you simply give the store your credit card, and they don't give it back, and then you use the handy 'employee branded ritual blade' to offer blood sacrifice to the console, then you ask it what game it would like to play to show it that you're not being bossy and willing to let it make it's own decisions, then if you can coax it into it's harness and get it to the car, you too will own your very own ps3[11:09] BriggsinCali: hmm, i hope they sterilize the blade[11:11] WeaselBringer: they'll probly be like cheap 'funco-land' keychains with disposable razor blades on them, and they'll let you keep it, ya know.... just in case the ps3 gets angry and doesn't like the size of the enclose you've chosen for it's rotund oval shaped "no components will fit above me" form factor (copyright) [11:11] BriggsinCali: ha ha[11:12] WeaselBringer: do you think that's a sly way to make sure that the ps3 alwasy ends up on top of your stereo components or at least gets it's own shelf, or do they really just have to make oval motherboards with egg-ram or something[11:12] BriggsinCali: well, the xbox 360 isn't much better[11:13] WeaselBringer: they keep this up the ps4 will be a cylinder that you can roll around, and the ps5 will actually be a ball! (Then nintendo will sue them for stealing their 'gamesphere' idea)[11:14] WeaselBringer: And the xbox 360 looks like they hired the guy that made the Ipod and beat the shit out of him with a sack full of hammers while he tried to make their 17 pound console pretty[11:14] BriggsinCali: wow, quite the rant today[11:14] WeaselBringer: (and it looks like they got F@tali1y's mother to design the front of it)[11:14] WeaselBringer: yeah I'm sorta ranty today[11:16] WeaselBringer: maybe I'll just post this whole conversation on my website[11:16] WeaselBringer: so I don't have to repeat it all [11:16] BriggsinCali: well, your half of it anyway[11:16] BriggsinCali: i'm typing in between gluing sessions[11:17] WeaselBringer: sniffing glue?[11:17] BriggsinCali: fuck yea[11:18] BriggsinCali: although it takes a lot of wood glue do have much of an effect[11:18] WeaselBringer: I bet try cramming the tube in your nostril and hitting it with a hammer (the tube not your nostril)[11:19] BriggsinCali: that might just do it


My AI Adventure

May 13, 2023 provides really interesting funny and cool, artificial intelligence driven chat experiences where you get to interface with a digital dungeon master. You can do it in the style of a choose your own adventure or just freeform and completely type in your own commands. It's pretty impressive how well it rolls with you and how well it understands the rules of dungeons and dragons.

Here is a conversation that I had with the dungeon bot

Today we are going to play a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

There are two different ways to play.
1 - Multiple choice, this is a more simplified and streamlined version. Where you simply choose from a number of options at every turn.
2 - Freeform, this is the more complex and open-ended version where you type in your actions or intentions at every step.

First thing is first, what style of game would you like to play from the above numbered options?

I choose 2

Great! You've chosen the Freeform text adventure. Now let's create your character.

Please provide your character's name, race, and class. For example: "Grakthar, Half-Orc Barbarian."

Feel free to add any additional details if you like, or we can dive right into the adventure after you provide the basic info.

I am Witless Nick an incredibly stupid man, prone to Freudian slips but blessed with a massive overabundance of luck and often narrowly miss death by doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm a human fighter

Welcome, Witless Nick, the incredibly stupid but incredibly lucky Human Fighter! Your knack for narrowly avoiding death by sheer dumb luck is legendary. You've somehow managed to bumble your way through life, and now you're ready for a new adventure.

As you wander through the bustling town of Clumsyford, you find yourself standing in front of a large notice board filled with various job postings and quests. One of them catches your eye:

"Help Wanted: Brave adventurers needed to retrieve the lost artifact of the Ancient Mage, Archibald. Great reward offered. Inquire at Ye Olde Tavern."

What would you like to do next?

  1. Head to Ye Olde Tavern to inquire about the job.
  2. Search for another job posting.
  3. Wander the town of Clumsyford and see what other opportunities arise.
  4. Take a nap under the notice board (because why not?).

Hit up the tavern and drink too much then ask about the job

Embracing the spirit of foolish decisions, you saunter into Ye Olde Tavern and immediately order too many tankards of the strongest ale they have. As you're chugging down your copious amount of booze, you begin to feel the room spinning. Your drunkenness, however, doesn't prevent you from remembering your purpose.

You stumble toward the barkeep, slurring your words, and ask about the job posting for the lost artifact of Archibald. The barkeep, a burly man with a bushy beard, raises an eyebrow at your inebriated state but decides to give you the details anyway.

"The artifact is said to be hidden deep within the Crypt of Confusion," he explains. "We've had many adventurers try and retrieve it, but none have returned. It's a dangerous place, filled with traps and monsters. But the reward is great, 5,000 gold pieces for the one who brings it back."

What would you like to do next?

  1. Accept the job and head to the Crypt of Confusion, despite your drunken state.
  2. Ask the barkeep for more information about the artifact.
  3. Try to sober up before making a decision.
  4. Forget the job and challenge a random patron to a drinking contest.

Accept the Job

In your drunken haze, you enthusiastically accept the job and slur out a declaration of your intention to retrieve the artifact. You stumble out of Ye Olde Tavern, intent on finding the Crypt of Confusion.

As you wander through the town, you eventually find yourself outside its gates. By some stroke of luck, you manage to locate a signpost pointing the way to the Crypt of Confusion. With a hiccup and a determined grin, you set off on your adventure.

After several hours of walking, you arrive at the entrance to the Crypt of Confusion, a foreboding stone structure surrounded by overgrown vegetation. The entrance is a massive stone door, and above it is an inscription that reads, "Beware all who enter, for confusion awaits."

What would you like to do next?

  1. Push open the stone door and enter the Crypt.
  2. Knock on the stone door and see if anyone answers.
  3. Sit down and wait for the effects of alcohol to wear off before entering.
  4. Yell out a challenge to the monsters inside the Crypt to come out and fight you.

Enter blind with no caution

With reckless abandon, you shove the massive stone door open and stumble into the dark depths of the Crypt of Confusion. As your eyes slowly adjust to the darkness, you realize that you're standing in a dimly lit hallway with numerous doors lining its walls. The air is thick with dust and the smell of decay.

You decide to charge forward blindly, letting fate decide your path. With each door you pass, you wonder what kind of horrors and traps may lie behind them, but you don't seem to care. Your drunkenness seems to fuel your bravery, or perhaps it's simply impairing your judgment.

As you continue down the hallway, you suddenly trip on a protruding stone and fall face-first onto a large pressure plate on the floor. You hear the sound of gears shifting and mechanisms moving.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Jump up and try to dodge any potential traps activated by the pressure plate.
  2. Lie still and hope that whatever trap you've sprung doesn't hit you.
  3. Yell out for help, hoping someone or something will come to your aid.
  4. Accept your fate and prepare for the worst.

Lie still and vomit a bit

You decide to lie still on the pressure plate, hoping that by some miracle, the trap won't affect you. As you lay there, the excessive alcohol in your system catches up to you, and you can't help but vomit a little on the cold stone floor of the crypt.

Miraculously, your decision to stay put pays off. An array of dart traps hidden within the walls begins to fire, but your prone position keeps you safe from their deadly trajectory. The darts whiz over your body, narrowly missing you as they embed themselves into the opposite wall.

With the darts spent and the trap seemingly deactivated, you can't help but feel a pang of pride at having evaded danger with your unconventional tactics.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Get up, wipe your mouth, and continue down the hallway.
  2. Stay on the ground, crawl forward, and continue exploring the Crypt from this safe position.
  3. Search the area for a hidden door or passage.
  4. Take a nap right there, still lying in your own vomit.


Choosing to embrace your newfound crawling strategy, you stay low to the ground and begin to make your way through the Crypt of Confusion on all fours. The cold stone floor is unpleasant against your hands and knees, but you're confident that this approach will help you avoid any further traps.

As you crawl along, you pass several more doors with no indication of where they might lead. Suddenly, you hear faint chittering sounds coming from one of the doors to your left.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Investigate the chittering sounds by opening the door.
  2. Ignore the sounds and continue crawling down the hallway.
  3. Knock on the door to see if the source of the sounds responds.
  4. Yell out a drunken warning to whatever is making the sounds, threatening them with your unarmed combat prowess.

Burst in sword drawn and vomiting

Unable to contain your curiosity and with a sudden surge of inebriated courage, you leap to your feet, draw your sword, and kick open the door. As you burst into the room, an uncontrollable wave of vomit escapes your mouth, adding to your dramatic entrance.

Inside the room, you find a group of small, startled kobolds. They're huddled around a makeshift table, playing some sort of card game. The chittering sound you heard was their conversation.

Covered in vomit and brandishing your sword, you stand before the kobolds, who stare back at you with a mixture of fear and confusion. It's clear that they weren't expecting any human company, especially not one in such a state.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Apologize for the intrusion and try to join their card game.
  2. Engage the kobolds in combat, hoping to eliminate any potential threats.
  3. Attempt to communicate with them, asking for directions to the artifact.
  4. Close the door and pretend like this whole encounter never happened.

Communicate and throw money at them for the secrets you need

Deciding to take a more diplomatic approach, you sheathe your sword and try to communicate with the kobolds. You reach into your coin purse and pull out a handful of gold, tossing it onto their table. The kobolds' eyes widen at the sight of the shiny coins, and their fear begins to subside.

In broken Common, you ask them for any information they have about the lost artifact of Archibald. One of the bolder kobolds, who seems to be the leader of the group, speaks up.

"Artifact? Oh, yes. Deep, deep in crypt. Much danger. But we help, for gold," the kobold leader says, greedily eyeing the coins.

The kobolds agree to guide you through the crypt in exchange for the gold you've provided them. With the promise of more gold upon completion of your mission, they seem eager and excited to help.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Allow the kobolds to lead the way and follow their guidance.
  2. Demand that they draw you a map instead, so you can navigate the crypt on your own.
  3. Try to negotiate a smaller payment for their assistance.
  4. Change your mind and challenge the kobolds to a game of cards for their help.

Make outlandish promises and set out with my kobold army. Altering my outfit to appear more like them. Also try to learn their language as we go

With grand gestures and outlandish promises of wealth and glory, you convince the kobolds to join your cause and form a small kobold army. They chatter excitedly amongst themselves, clearly thrilled at the prospect of adventure and the chance to earn more gold.

You take the initiative to alter your outfit, using bits of cloth and material you find in the room to make yourself look more like the kobolds. Your new comrades seem amused and appreciative of your attempts to blend in.

As you journey deeper into the crypt, you also make an effort to learn their language. The kobolds are more than willing to teach you, and you begin to pick up simple phrases and expressions.

Led by your newly-formed kobold army, you continue your search for the lost artifact of Archibald. As you navigate the dark corridors and treacherous chambers, you can't help but feel that your luck and newfound allies might just be the key to your success.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Keep following the kobolds' guidance as you delve deeper into the crypt.
  2. Stop and ask the kobolds about their lives and experiences in the crypt.
  3. Start to devise a plan for how to utilize your kobold army in future battles.
  4. Take a break and teach the kobolds a human game or song to pass the time.

Keep going and share some food with them increasing our bond

You decide to press on, following your kobold allies as they lead you deeper into the crypt. Along the way, you take the opportunity to share some of your rations with them, further strengthening the bond between you and your newfound companions.

The kobolds seem grateful for the food and your willingness to share, and they eagerly accept your offerings. As you travel further, you notice that their initial fear and apprehension have been replaced by a sense of camaraderie and loyalty. They seem more than willing to risk their lives to help you achieve your goal.

After navigating a maze of twisting passages and treacherous chambers, you and your kobold army finally arrive at a large, ornate door, adorned with ancient runes and elaborate carvings. An eerie, magical energy seems to emanate from the door, and your kobold friends glance at each other nervously.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Attempt to open the door and face whatever lies beyond.
  2. Consult your kobold allies and ask if they know anything about the door.
  3. Search for a way to disable or bypass any potential traps on the door.
  4. Have a quick dance party with the kobolds to boost everyone's morale before opening the door.

Dance party and the suddenly dash forward and yank the door open

You decide that a quick dance party is just what you and your kobold army need to boost morale before facing whatever lies beyond the door. You start to move to a rhythm only you can hear, encouraging the kobolds to join in. They hesitantly begin dancing, but soon enough, they're fully engaged in the impromptu celebration.

With everyone's spirits lifted, you suddenly dash forward, surprising your kobold friends, and yank the door open with a burst of adrenaline-fueled strength.

The door swings open to reveal a large chamber, dimly lit by flickering torches lining the walls. In the center of the room, resting on a pedestal, is an ornate, glowing artifact - the lost artifact of Archibald.

However, your triumph is short-lived, as you notice a massive, skeletal figure guarding the artifact. It turns its hollow gaze toward you and your kobold army, a sinister aura surrounding it.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Charge at the skeletal guardian with your kobold army and engage it in battle.
  2. Attempt to negotiate with the guardian, explaining your quest to retrieve the artifact.
  3. Try to devise a clever plan to distract the guardian and steal the artifact.
  4. Run back out the door, screaming in terror, and hope the guardian doesn't follow.

Charge in with your army screaming in kobold and throw everything I've got into it

With a battle cry in the kobold language, you rally your newfound comrades and charge headlong into the chamber. The kobolds follow your lead, screeching and brandishing their makeshift weapons. United in purpose, you throw yourselves into the fray with reckless abandon.

As you engage the skeletal guardian, you quickly realize that your combined forces are more formidable than you thought. The kobolds work together, nimbly dodging the guardian's powerful strikes while chipping away at its defenses. You take advantage of every opening, striking with your sword and unleashing your full might upon the undead foe.

Despite the guardian's immense strength and sinister aura, your determination and the fierce loyalty of your kobold army begin to wear it down. With each passing moment, the guardian's movements become slower and more labored, its once-terrifying presence now faltering.

Finally, with one last, powerful strike, you shatter the skeletal guardian, and its remains crash to the floor in a heap of bones and dust. The room falls silent, and your kobold allies erupt in cheers and celebration.

With the guardian defeated, you approach the pedestal and claim the lost artifact of Archibald. The task is complete, and your kobold army has proven their worth as invaluable allies in this quest.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Head back to the town of Clumsyford with the artifact and claim your reward.
  2. Share a heartfelt farewell with your kobold friends

Attempt to seduce a female kobold to show my commitment and ask the group to stay with me forever to be brothers until the end. Then set out to sell the artifact

In an attempt to strengthen your bond with the kobolds and show your commitment, you decide to try and seduce a female kobold. While your advances are met with confusion and a mix of curiosity, the gesture is seen as a sign of affection and camaraderie. You then express your desire for the kobold group to stay with you forever, pledging to be brothers until the end.

The kobolds, touched by your heartfelt words, agree to stay by your side and share in future adventures. United as a true band of brothers, you set out, artifact in hand, to sell it and reap the rewards.

Your strange but loyal group of adventurers returns to Clumsyford, where the townspeople are awestruck at the sight of a human and a group of kobolds standing side by side. You approach the buyer for the artifact, who pays you the promised 5,000 gold pieces, though not without some bewilderment at your newfound allies.

With the gold in hand and your kobold brothers by your side, you can't help but feel that this is just the beginning of a grand and unpredictable journey filled with friendship, danger, and perhaps a little more seduction.

I want to fully equip the kobolds with the finest weapons and armor and seek a new challenge

With your newfound wealth, you decide to outfit your loyal kobold comrades with the finest weapons and armor available. You visit the local blacksmith and purchase an array of deadly blades, sturdy shields, and well-crafted armor, custom-fit for your small but fierce army.

The kobolds, now fully equipped and looking quite formidable, are eager to embark on your next adventure together. As you walk through Clumsyford, you catch wind of a new challenge that has emerged:

Whispers abound of a powerful dragon that has taken residence in the nearby Shadowmire Caves. The fearsome beast has been terrorizing the countryside, and the local lord has issued a hefty bounty for its head.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Accept the dragon-slaying quest and head to the Shadowmire Caves with your well-equipped kobold army.
  2. Investigate the rumors further and gather more information before making a decision.
  3. Visit the lord's castle and negotiate an even higher bounty for slaying the dragon.
  4. Decide that dragon slaying is overrated and go on a pub crawl with your kobold friends instead.

Blown the rest of my money on a massive sword that's effective against dragons, and set out with my army to find this stupid dragon

Eager to make your mark as a dragon slayer, you decide to spend the rest of your gold on an impressive, massive sword specifically crafted to be effective against dragons. Its blade is etched with enchantments, and the grip and guard are adorned with intricate dragon motifs. The weapon's weight feels reassuring in your hands, and you can't help but imagine the fear it will strike into the heart of the dragon.

With your newly-purchased dragon-slaying sword and your well-equipped kobold army by your side, you set out for the Shadowmire Caves. The journey takes you through dense forests and murky swamplands, but your determination and camaraderie never waver.

After several days of travel, you finally arrive at the entrance to the Shadowmire Caves. A dark, gaping maw in the side of a hill, the entrance looks both foreboding and ominous. The distant echo of draconic growls can be heard from within the depths, sending shivers down your spine.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Rally your kobolds and charge into the cave, weapons drawn and ready for battle.
  2. Proceed cautiously into the cave, trying to avoid detection by the dragon.
  3. Send a brave kobold scout ahead to gather information about the dragon's lair.
  4. Attempt to lure the dragon out of the cave with a clever ruse or distraction.

Stop to learn more kobold and continue my efforts at a kobold wife. Then after we are more closely bonded then ever, sneak in as a single unit of kobold ninjas to scout this dragon

Before venturing further into the Shadowmire Caves, you decide to take some time to learn more of the kobold language, further solidifying your bond with your comrades. As you become more fluent, you continue your efforts to woo a kobold wife. You serenade her with songs in their native tongue, shower her with compliments, and offer gifts of trinkets and baubles. Over time, the female kobold is won over by your persistence and charm, and she agrees to become your kobold bride.

With your connection to the kobolds stronger than ever and your newfound love, you and your army decide to approach the dragon's lair with the stealth and cunning of kobold ninjas. Together, you move silently through the cave, sticking to the shadows and avoiding any loose rocks or bones that might betray your presence.

As you delve deeper into the cave, the temperature rises, and the smell of sulfur fills the air – clear signs of a dragon's presence. Eventually, you come across a vast chamber illuminated by the flickering glow of magma pools. There, resting on a mound of treasure, is the fearsome dragon, its scales shimmering in the dim light.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Launch a surprise attack on the dragon, hoping to catch it off-guard.
  2. Attempt to communicate with the dragon and try to negotiate a peaceful resolution.
  3. Observe the dragon's behavior and devise a plan to steal its hoard

Send the kobolds to flank while I stumble out into the open and attempt to trick the dragon with sheer hubris and bald face lying

You devise a daring plan, instructing your kobold comrades to split up and stealthily flank the dragon on both sides. The kobolds nod in understanding, their eyes filled with determination and trust in your leadership. They disappear into the shadows, ready to support you from their concealed positions.

With your kobold army in place, you take a deep breath, muster all your hubris, and stride confidently into the open chamber. The dragon, caught off guard by your unexpected presence, lifts its enormous head and fixes its piercing gaze upon you.

In the face of this terrifying and majestic creature, you draw upon your powers of deception and launch into a bold-faced lie, weaving a tale of how you've come to pay tribute to the great dragon and that your presence has been foretold in ancient prophecies.

The dragon listens intently, curiosity and intrigue overcoming its initial surprise. It is difficult to read the dragon's thoughts, but it seems momentarily captivated by your audacious speech.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Use this opportunity to launch a surprise attack with the help of your flanking kobold army.
  2. Continue trying to deceive the dragon, hoping to put it at ease and gain its trust.
  3. Attempt to barter with the dragon, offering it more riches in exchange for leaving the countryside in peace.
  4. Boldly demand that the dragon share its hoard with you, claiming that it is your rightful due according to the prophecy.

Explain as is the dragon is stupid or feeble that there is an extremely well known prophecy that this cave will explode in one hour. Really double down on this and add details to make it seem like everyone knows this and you just came to be polite and figured he would be gone already. Make it sound like it would be foolish not to leave immediately

Feigning surprise at the dragon's apparent ignorance of the "well-known prophecy," you launch into an elaborate tale about how this very cave is destined to explode in just one hour. You pepper your story with intricate details and express amazement at the dragon's lack of knowledge regarding the impending catastrophe.

"You know, Great Dragon, I'm really quite shocked you haven't heard about this," you say, oozing incredulity. "The prophecy has been common knowledge among the mortal races for centuries. I came here mainly as a courtesy, thinking you'd already have vacated the premises."

As you speak, you can see the dragon's eyes narrow with uncertainty, the seeds of doubt taking root. It seems at least somewhat convinced by your impassioned delivery, but you can tell that it's still weighing the validity of your claims.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Press the urgency of the situation and convince the dragon to leave immediately.
  2. Offer to help the dragon find a new, safer lair as proof of your goodwill.
  3. Suggest that the dragon should investigate the prophecy itself to verify the truth.
  4. Casually mention that the dragon's hoard will also be destroyed and see if that sways its decision.

Use hand signals to indicate that the kobolds should start robbing the place blind. And then kindly offer to help the dragon find a new cave in a slightly condescending manner that implies it's really dropped the ball by not doing this already.

While maintaining eye contact with the dragon, you subtly give hand signals to your kobold comrades, instructing them to commence pilfering the great hoard. As your nimble allies move silently among the treasure, pocketing gold and gems, you address the dragon with a kind but condescending tone.

"Look, Great Dragon, it's clear that you've been out of the loop on this prophecy business. But, worry not! In the spirit of cooperation, I can help you find a new, much safer cave to call home. After all, nobody wants to be caught in a catastrophic explosion, right? We've got to act now, though. Time's ticking."

The dragon, now visibly conflicted, considers your offer. Its pride is clearly wounded by your condescending manner, but the uncertainty about the prophecy and the impending explosion pushes it to make a decision. With a heavy sigh, the dragon agrees to your proposal.

As the dragon prepares to leave its lair, your kobold friends continue to stealthily raid the hoard. You've managed to trick the fearsome beast and secure a small fortune in stolen treasure.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Lead the dragon to a new cave, keeping your promise and hoping it doesn't discover your deception.
  2. Bid the dragon farewell and make a hasty retreat as it departs, hoping it doesn't notice the missing treasure.
  3. Try to push your luck and convince the dragon to give you

Introduce the dragon to your army and lie that your group was formed to protect this dragon. Help him find a new cave and send some kobolds to sell loot and come back with elaborate dragon themed furniture. Then invite him to join the party after overwhelming him with gifts

Deciding to further the deception, you introduce the dragon to your kobold army, spinning a tale of how your group was actually formed to protect and serve this mighty beast. The dragon, already off balance from the prophecy revelation, listens to your explanation and regards the kobolds with curiosity.

You lead the dragon to a new cave, one that is both spacious and hidden from prying eyes. While the dragon settles in, you send a few of your kobold friends to sell some of the pilfered loot and return with extravagant dragon-themed furniture to adorn the new lair.

As the dragon marvels at the luxurious gifts, you make your final pitch, inviting it to join your party and embark on a grand adventure together. Overwhelmed by your generosity and the unexpected turn of events, the dragon agrees to join your motley crew, becoming an unlikely but powerful ally.

And so, with a dragon on your side and a band of loyal kobolds at your back, you continue your journey, ready to tackle whatever challenges lay ahead.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Return to Clumsyford and show off your newfound dragon ally to the townspeople.
  2. Set off in search of new quests and adventures, pushing your team's limits.
  3. Take a break from adventuring to focus on training and bonding with your new dragon companion.
  4. Begin planning an epic heist with the help of your unique and powerful team.

Train and bond everyone and then plan a heist. Also make dragon armor that's just next level epic

You decide that before embarking on your next grand adventure, it's essential to strengthen the bond between your unique crew of adventurers and to help them train together. You set up a makeshift training camp where you, the kobolds, and your new dragon ally can practice combat tactics, develop trust, and learn to work as a cohesive unit.

During this time, you also commission a set of awe-inspiring dragon armor for your new draconic companion. Crafted from the finest materials and intricately adorned with details, the armor not only provides protection but also exudes an aura of majesty that brings out the dragon's regal nature.

With your team now more skilled and bonded than ever, it's time to put your talents to the test. You gather everyone together and begin planning an epic heist that will challenge your abilities and send a message to the entire realm: there's a new band of adventurers in town, and they mean business.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Research potential targets for your daring heist, looking for a suitable challenge and a worthy prize.
  2. Reach out to contacts and allies for inside information or assistance with the heist.
  3. Prepare your team with a series of smaller heists to test your coordination and teamwork.
  4. Throw caution to the wind and immediately attempt to rob the most heavily guarded fortress in the realm.

Caution to the wind my friend. I'm witless nick

Embracing your inner "Witless Nick," you decide to go big or go home. Throwing caution to the wind, you set your sights on the most heavily guarded fortress in the realm – the Royal Treasury of King Alistair IV. The treasury is said to hold not only vast amounts of gold and precious gems, but also powerful magical artifacts collected over generations.

With your fearless kobold comrades, your dragon companion clad in its majestic armor, and your own daring spirit, you embark on the most audacious heist the kingdom has ever seen.

As you approach the fortress, you quickly realize that its defenses are no joke – heavily armed guards, impenetrable walls, and a myriad of magical protections stand between you and the treasure within. But your team is not easily deterred; if anything, the challenge only serves to stoke the fires of determination burning within each of you.

Utilizing a combination of stealth, cunning, brute force, and the occasional well-timed dragon breath, you manage to infiltrate the fortress and bypass its myriad obstacles. The adrenaline of the heist pushes you and your team to new heights of skill and daring, and you can't help but feel invincible as you move ever closer to the treasure.

As you finally stand before the massive vault door that houses the royal treasury, what would you like to do next?

  1. Attempt to pick the lock with your own skills and tools.
  2. Have your kobolds work their nimble

Have the kobolds disassemble the door and remove it with the dragons help. Meanwhile you gather several of the servants and hire them with triple pay to help you carry this loot out. Offering more than they make in a year.

You decide that subtlety has its limits, and with the combined skills of your team, you can simply remove the vault door. You instruct the kobolds to disassemble the door while the dragon uses its strength to assist in the process. With their teamwork and ingenuity, the door is soon removed, revealing the dazzling hoard within.

Meanwhile, you approach several servants working in the fortress and make them an offer they can't refuse. You promise to pay them triple their current wages if they help carry the loot out of the treasury, an amount that far exceeds what they would make in a year. Tempted by the generous offer, the servants agree to join your endeavor.

Together, your team and the hired servants begin to transport the treasure out of the fortress. Your audacious plan has succeeded, and you marvel at the amazing heist you've pulled off with your unique band of adventurers.

As you make your escape, what would you like to do next?

  1. Return to Clumsyford and celebrate your daring heist with a grand feast.
  2. Find a hidden location to stash your newfound wealth before deciding on your next adventure.
  3. Use the treasure to fund a charitable cause, becoming a Robin Hood-like figure in the realm.
  4. Seek out new challenges, with your ever-growing team and newfound wealth at your disposal.

Build a new fortress atop Clumsyford of awe inspiring scale and strength. Name it the "Fortress of Boom Boom Baby" and make sure it has a dragon garage. Invite the servants to remain with you at triple pay and start an empire based on mixed races

With your newfound wealth and a vision of unity, you decide to build a magnificent fortress atop Clumsyford, one that will serve as a symbol of strength and solidarity among all races. The fortress, dubbed "Fortress of Boom Boom Baby," is designed to be both awe-inspiring and welcoming, a place where individuals of all backgrounds can come together and prosper.

A special "dragon garage" is built to accommodate your draconic ally, ensuring it has a comfortable and suitable home within the fortress. You invite the servants you hired during the heist to stay with you, paying them triple their previous wages and giving them important roles in the management and upkeep of the fortress.

Word of your daring escapades and the construction of the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby spreads far and wide, attracting people from all walks of life. Your dream of fostering a society based on cooperation and harmony among mixed races begins to take root, as more and more individuals flock to your cause.

Under your guidance, Clumsyford and its surroundings transform into a thriving, diverse empire, a shining beacon of hope in a world often plagued by conflict and prejudice.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Plan a grand opening ceremony for the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby, inviting dignitaries and adventurers from across the realm.
  2. Focus on expanding your empire's territories by forming alliances, conquering rival factions, or establishing new settlements.
  3. Embark on a new adventure, using your fortress as a base

Spend an exorbitant amount to find the greatest trainers in the land. Upgrade our kobold army and dragon companion into an unparalleled fighting force. Hire a mage to make everyone near immortal and train for years for the next big heist.

Determined to make your team an unparalleled fighting force, you spare no expense in seeking out the greatest trainers in the land. You hire skilled combat instructors, seasoned strategists, and powerful mages to shape your kobold army and dragon companion into formidable warriors.

As your forces train and hone their skills, you contract a powerful mage to research a spell that could grant your team a form of near immortality, ensuring your longevity and success in future endeavors.

Years pass, and your team's reputation as a legendary fighting force grows. You continue to plan the next big heist, aiming to make it even grander and more audacious than the last. The realm speaks of your crew in hushed whispers, a group of extraordinary individuals who have defied the odds and reshaped the world.

As you prepare to embark on your next daring adventure, what would you like to do?

  1. Target the kingdom's most secure vault, said to house a legendary artifact of immense power.
  2. Infiltrate the stronghold of an evil warlord, liberating the subjugated people and claiming their vast wealth.
  3. Uncover the hidden tomb of an ancient ruler, rumored to be filled with unimaginable riches and deadly traps.
  4. Take on a breathtaking heist that spans multiple dimensions, challenging the very fabric of reality itself.

Challenge reality in a heist that spans dimensions and time in an attempt to steal a source of limitless power and a dagger that let's you see everyone naked

Excited by the prospect of a heist that defies conventional understanding, you set your sights on a challenge that spans dimensions and time itself. You've heard rumors of a source of limitless power, an artifact so potent that it can reshape the very fabric of existence, and a dagger that grants its wielder the bizarre ability to see everyone naked – a trivial yet intriguing bonus.

With your well-trained kobold army, your formidable dragon companion, and your own cunning and determination, you embark on a mind-bending adventure that will test the limits of your ingenuity and courage.

Your journey takes you through alternate realities, surreal landscapes, and temporal rifts, as you chase after the elusive artifacts. You face strange creatures and mind-warping puzzles, pushing your team's skills and resourcefulness to the brink.

As you close in on the objects of your desire, the final stretch of your heist comes into view. With your team at your back and the secrets of the multiverse within your grasp, what would you like to do next?

  1. Attempt a daring and synchronized multi-dimensional theft to secure both artifacts at once.
  2. Split your team, sending half to secure the limitless power source and the other half to acquire the naked-seeing dagger.
  3. Create a diversion in one dimension, drawing attention away from your true objective in the other dimension.
  4. Challenge the guardian of the artifacts to a high-stakes game of wits, with the prizes being the source of limitless

Synchronized go for it all

You decide that a synchronized multi-dimensional theft is the most thrilling and daring approach to secure both artifacts at once. With your courageous team by your side, you devise a plan that will push your skills and coordination to the limit.

As the moment of truth approaches, you rally your kobold army and dragon companion, sharing a final exchange of determined nods and hearty backslaps. The tension in the air is palpable, but so is the excitement – this is the heist you've been working towards for years.

With precision timing and expert coordination, your team leaps into action, simultaneously targeting both artifacts. The air is filled with a cacophony of spellcasting, the clashing of weapons, and the roars of your dragon ally, as you navigate the treacherous fabric of space and time.

Against all odds, your team manages to secure both the source of limitless power and the naked-seeing dagger. As you reunite in your own dimension, you can't help but marvel at the incredible adventure you've undertaken and the unparalleled talent of your team.

With these newly acquired artifacts in hand, your legend grows ever greater, and the possibilities for your future adventures are seemingly endless.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Return to the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby and research the full potential of your newly acquired artifacts.
  2. Share the story of your incredible heist with the world, further enhancing your reputation as a legendary adventurer.
  3. Set off on a new adventure,

Return to the fortress. Hire the finest gnome engineers to use the power source to power all of your empire. Creating a Utopian land of infinite riches. Expand the city and your empire to be the biggest in the land. Hire an army of ninjas and train them in dark magic.

You return to the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby with your newly acquired artifacts, eager to harness their power for the good of your empire. You hire the finest gnome engineers to study the source of limitless power and find a way to use it to benefit your people.

Through the expert work of your engineers, your empire is transformed into a utopian land of infinite riches, powered by the inexhaustible energy provided by the artifact. As word of your achievements and benevolence spreads, more and more people flock to your domain, and your empire expands to become the largest and most prosperous in the land.

Not one to rest on your laurels, you continue to seek out new ways to protect and enhance your realm. Recognizing the value of a skilled and versatile defense force, you hire an army of ninjas and provide them with training in the arts of dark magic, creating an elite force that is both powerful and loyal.

With your burgeoning empire thriving under your guidance and a formidable army by your side, you stand as a beacon of hope and prosperity in a world that has seen its share of darkness.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Host a grand celebration in honor of your empire's achievements and success.
  2. Continue expanding your empire by strategizing diplomatic and military campaigns.
  3. Seek out new challenges and adventures, ever eager to push the limits of your abilities.
  4. Retire from your life of adventure, confident in the legacy you've built and the people you've

Expand my empire using my vast wealth to dominate all nearby countries with diplomacy or overwhelming force. Make it law that everyone must marry a different race to expand the gene pool

Determined to expand your empire and promote unity among all races, you decide to leverage your vast wealth and influence to bring nearby countries under your domain. Your diplomatic efforts focus on forging alliances and fostering goodwill, but when necessary, you're prepared to deploy your formidable army to assert dominance.

As new lands and peoples come under your rule, you enact a revolutionary law: everyone must marry someone of a different race to expand the gene pool and strengthen the bonds between all races. This groundbreaking policy further cements your empire's reputation as a beacon of unity and cooperation.

Over time, your empire grows into a sprawling, multicultural haven, where people of all backgrounds live, work, and thrive together. The world looks upon your realm as a shining example of what can be achieved through understanding and cooperation, and your name goes down in history as a visionary leader who changed the course of the world.

What would you like to do next?

  1. Establish an institution dedicated to promoting and researching multiculturalism and interracial harmony.
  2. Continue expanding your empire even further, with the goal of uniting the entire world under your progressive rule.
  3. Focus on the internal development of your empire, ensuring that your citizens are well-educated and have access to the best services.
  4. Take a step back from governing, trusting in the capable hands of your advisors and allies, and set off on a new adventure for personal growth.

For old times sake gather the kobolds and the dragon for a simple adventure. To beat the shit out of some owlbears and save as many orphans as we can find. Each orphan will become my child and be split equally into my will.

With fond memories of your past adventures, you gather your loyal kobold companions and your dragon ally for a simple but memorable quest: to defeat owlbears and save as many orphans as you can find.

You and your team travel through the countryside, eventually encountering a group of owlbears that have been terrorizing a nearby village. Drawing upon your years of experience and teamwork, you vanquish the menacing beasts, much to the relief of the villagers.

As you ask around about any orphans in need of help, the villagers direct you to several children who have lost their families. With each orphan you find and rescue, you formally adopt them as your own, ensuring they will have a loving home and a bright future. You also make it clear that your estate will be equally divided among them in your will.

The shared experiences with your kobolds, dragon, and newfound family only serve to strengthen the bond between you all. At the end of each day, you feel a deep sense of fulfillment and joy, knowing that you've made a lasting impact on the lives of these children.

What would you like to do next?

  1. = Check it Out ( Recommend The 4.0 Smart Version but Responses are SLOW )


Now Hiring!

July 28, 2009

Which Skills from the following list best match your abilities? Pointless Filing Sweeping Sucking golf balls through garden hose Inverting Worshipping John Stewart Licking Concrete Flipping Burgers Playing "BurgerTime" for NES Time Travel Transubstantiation Reverse Engineering Pharmaceuticals Helping People Helping People Die Marching in Formation Voting on Bills Fantasizing About Snape Raping Harry Potter Enabling the Community Erupting With Magma Healing the Sick Binge Eating Counting to 20 Killing People Pulling a Lever Downloading Pornography Fellatio Drawing Anime Characters Taking Meaningless Notes Opening Email Attachments Using Windows 98 Spraying Water on Animal Carcasses Pouring Sawdust on Vomit Placing Objects on Shelves Litigating Killing Animals Eviscerating Animals Playing Minesweeper Dungeon Mastering If you said yes to any of these things you too could have a career with We're looking for talented writers with one or more of the above listed skills/hobbies. So even if you sit at home in a dark cave crying on a record player set to repeat the theme song from "Friends" over and over again. We could probably use your skills, or at least your blood. We are looking for writers. write to And have your brain probed.


Internet Passion "2"

October 18, 2005

[16:41] nicole_953: Hello, I was looking at yahoo personals, i noticed your ad, anyways, yahoo thinks you are my top match. :D[16:41] nicole_953: wanna see my picture and profile?[16:42] Deadwhoreinabox: wait I'm really busy can I just give you a bunch of money first? I'd really like to see your profile, but I only have time to transfer funds at this point, what is your account number so I can just deposit the 7000 dollars I'd no doubt spend on you, directly into it?[16:43] Deadwhoreinabox: You know that was rude of me, You must feel bad enough being the 953rd Nicole ever... And I'm sure your paid webcam / amatuer gay stripping hour profile will no doubt be worth any asking price[16:45] Deadwhoreinabox: I feel so awful, you're almost one of a thousand struggling anti-clothes oriented nicole's just trying to make a buck in a foreign backwards ass country like haiti or canada I'm sure, and the money will no doubt go to fulfilling a lifelong dream of being a professional semen gargler, which I'm sure you're way ahead of in practice[16:47] Deadwhoreinabox: As such I make a pledge... nay, an OATH, no... A PROMISE that I will give you seven billion dollars to fund your awesome pay profile site to new heights this money will of course be tax free and allow you to live out your fancy albeit misguided online nudist fantasies. And I support the youth and as long as you're buxom and between 18 and 25 and posessing an IQ over 143 then I think we can do business[16:48] Deadwhoreinabox: Only such a smart girl would try every single profile number BEFORE 953 becuase of your true dedication to being YOU and showing your ta'ta's to total strangers online, which of course is as noble an endeavor as I've ever heard of it. Internet slut... I SALUTE YOU!![16:48] Deadwhoreinabox: Hello? Where can I put these stacks of cash I've recently taken from my safe?[16:49] Deadwhoreinabox: Please before my accountant notices that I've mortgaged my entire brokerage company to give to 953rd best nicole ever!? Why hast thou forsaken me. The lord giveth internet titties, the lord taketh away... Cruel gods above... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?[16:49] *** nicole_953 has been ignored.



December 19, 2005

[12:55] Krystal: lol, u ass[12:55] WeaselBringer: well I was trying to park the other day[12:56] WeaselBringer: and I saw those gleaming empty handicapped spots sitting there begging for a cripple to slovenly drive into them and hit the safety raised curb[12:56] WeaselBringer: and I realized that I don't just want to park, I hate cripples[12:56] WeaselBringer: I started thinking, which cripples need the parking? [12:56] WeaselBringer: if they're driving?[12:56] WeaselBringer: if someone else is driving they can drop them off (on the side of the freeway) [12:57] Krystal: lol[12:57] WeaselBringer: if they're driving then they're FINE!! they don't want the special treatment[12:57] WeaselBringer: they're fucking driving![12:57] WeaselBringer: they need spots that are HARDER to park in [12:57] WeaselBringer: so that they know we're not taking it easy on them[12:57] WeaselBringer: spots that change shape, or that barely fit a volkswagon[12:57] WeaselBringer: spots that run halfway up a wall[12:57] WeaselBringer: or are at the very back of the parking lot and halfway into traffic[12:58] WeaselBringer: Are retards driving?[12:58] WeaselBringer: are people driving with no legs?[12:58] WeaselBringer: I don't want these people parked close to my multimillion dollar hotel[12:59] Krystal: is this a new crothchmail coming[12:59] WeaselBringer: because let's face it, unless stephen hawking and the california hardbodies are booking up for a drunken scientific fuck fest - there's not much money in cutting out the guy in a mercedes for the pinto driven by 'lefty the amusingly disabled school janitor'[12:59] WeaselBringer: no I'm just ranting[13:00] Krystal: lol, it should b a crotchmail. it's funny[13:02] WeaselBringer: will do, right after I systematiclly spray over every handicapped logo in the parking lot outside my work with the words "Parking on ROOF" you fucking pansies, hobble your crutched ass up there to renew your handicap sticker so you can attach it to your spine when you spiral off the guardrail to a grisly face removal 20 stories down and people will park on your recently deceased ass who have a chance to walk in and make some fucking money for america you LEECHES[13:05] WeaselBringer: Hey honey there's a spot right here by the door, we won't be late for our dinner date after- AWWW it's fucking handicapped, I guess hop'along cassidy and his legless wonder band of freakin' brothers have to park here to wail and slobber their way into our dinner party where we wouldn't invite them anyway because they won't get the jokes we all make about the crippled economy because of selfserving bluestickered assholes parking IN FRONT OF EVERYONE ELSE LIKE A PACK OF SCHOOLYARD BULLY FAGGOTS[13:06] Krystal: lol, u r seriously demented[13:06] WeaselBringer: I realize that now[13:06] Krystal: good[13:06] WeaselBringer: Oh jesus please forgive me... (but not the cripples they're sinners)


Cliche Translations

November 2, 2005

-digging a hole for yourselfPre-Gravedigger saying -bit off more than you could chew Warning before teeth were invented -cut off your nose to spite your face A common medieval practice -livin' in the fast lane Meth addict -greatest thing since sliced breadThe greatest Vertical Portal since Google! -green with envyA rare afflication of jealous bitches -chip off the old blockBack when men were wooden -don't bite the hand that feeds you

unfinished: bite the FOOT that feeds you -better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at allAncient Greek Joke -the emperor wears no clothesAncient Greek Tradition -plenty of fish in the seaWhen bestiality was more accepted -what will be will beStuff is stuff -if it's worth doing, it's worth doing right Don't fuck this up -if at first you don't succeed, try and try againKeep going till I tell you to stop -there's no time like the presentHey it's about now... now -waiting with baited breathStop eating sushi -potty/toilet mouthTalking Shit -mouth like a sailorVery gay and/or italian -a snail's paceLike being behind the fat lady in the supermarket -you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drinkCorrection: That fucking horse WILL drink. -stupid is as stupid doesDumbass-catch as catch cancootchy-coo?-busy as a bee Minimum Wage Worker -old as the hillsPre-Bon-Jovi-been around the block a few timesA slut that fucks whores -just fell off the turnip truckImmigrant worker -read me like a book Amateur Vivisection -a rolling stone gathers no mossThe Rolling Stones suck... -shot to hell FRAGGED-shot in the darkShot through the heart -shoot first, ask questions laterLA Police Tactics were used -trouble with a capital "T"Illiterate Gang members -shotgun weddingBridal Gangbang -been there, done thatEx-girlfriends-knee jerk reactionGetting hit in the balls -a chain is only as strong as its weakest linkYou have a gay friend -an eye for an eye. a tooth for a toothOrgan swapping is okay -one bad apple spoils the bunchYour weird uncle Larry -something rotten in DenmarkThe Danish are Filthy -Vini, Vidi, Vici The truth is in the Brine: A form of Sea Monkey worship. -monkey see, monkey doThey mean sea monkeys, and they do -cool as a cucumberYou are a squash -if wishes were horses then beggars would rideFuck the homeless -like a bat out of hellWomen drivers -hindsight is 20-20Your ass has eyeballs -better late than neverBetter Never than really late -once bitten, twice shyVampire alert! -if you can't walk the walk, don't talk the talk

The Handicapped should be gagged -if you can't take the heat, stay out of the kitchenDon't eat cheese on sundays -kill'em all, let God sort'em outSir, Yes, Sir -walking on thin ice Figure skaters -beggars can't be choosersPoor people do what you tell them -walking on eggshellsAnorexic Ballet -knock on woodJerk off for luck -damned if I do, Damned if I don'tDamn it -it's a cakewalkI like pie -ain't just whistlin' DixieA gaping Vagina -jumping on the bandwagonJumping on the Gaping Vagina -passing the buckToss me that deer! -too little too lateSex with Asians -till the cows come homeYou fell asleep in the barn -from dusk till dawnI had sex with George Clooney -like there's no tomorrowTomorrow never Dies -can't see the forest for the trees Your head is in your ass -people in glass houses shouldn't throw stoneDon't vandalize near a witness -time flies when you're having funIt takes 20 minutes to find your pants -so hungry I could eat a horseHey I'm Fat! -chew you a new asshole Cannibalistic Surgery Requested -well slap the dog & spit on the fireThis spoon requires washing -from famine to feastWhat happens to housewives -selling like hotcakesDrugdealing pays off - the pot calling the kettle blackuse a pipe to smoke weed -when the going gets tough, the tough get going
Punch your horse to make it go faster -put my foot in my mouthPodiatry is for everyone -through hell or high waterThrough NO-Clip and Wall-hacks -it ain't over till the fat lady singsFat People Ruin Parties -it beats picking cottonNo one wants to be black -like an accident waiting to happenLike an Asian Driver -if it ain't broke, don't fix itBreak this -am I my brother's keeperMy brother is a Dog -if everybody else jumped off a bridge, would you?If all your friends removed their spleens with salad forks would you? -ask & you shall receiveGimme that -never look a gift horse in the mouthDon't kiss horses -every rose has a thornLife ain't nothing but bitches and money -fit for a kingBirthday suit -you can't judge a book by its coverPeople look funny -there's no honor among thievesRip off your criminal friends too -no use flogging a dead horseIt's illegal in most states anyway -only the strong surviveBeat up weaklings-survival of the fittestIf your clothes dont' fit, God hates you -the meek shall inherit the earthKeep consuming you Capitolist bastards -every dog has its dayHump my leg! -dead as a doorknob This doornkob is a squirrel -caught between a rock and a hard placePrison sex -you better straighten up and fly rightTurn Heterosexual and become a Pilot for Delta -when hell freezes overWhen you fix all your mental problems -when pigs flyThat guy in the seat next to you on airplanes -a bird in the hand is worth two in the bushDon't masturbate with parrots -a penny saved is a penny earnedGet a real job -more fun than a barrel of monkeysImproper packing techniques may work in your favor -one in a millionWhere babies come from -no use crying over spilled milkSalt and milk taste terrible -the grass is always greener on the other sideYour neighbor paints their lawn while you're asleep -you can't teach an old dog new tricks Dead animals can't dance -another face in the crowdPeople suck -shooting yourself in the footMissing the Money Shot -two birds with one stoneKILLING SPREE -never say neverJames bond is here -a watched pot never boilsJust smoke your Weed -like shooting fish in a barrelLike having sex with a blender -what's good for the goose is good for the gander Stuff your pillow with ducks! -we all have our crosses to bearJesus hates you -skeletons in the closet
I have to hide the bodies somehow -the old gray mare just ain't what she used to beThis is the most single most confusing statement in all human history -fit to be tied Bondage freaks -to the victor goes the spoilsHey Victor took out the trash! -don't make a mountain out of a molehillMen with Big trucks -all's well that ends wellVacation sucked -give an inch, take a milePorn star magic -judge not, lest ye be judgedDon't be pointing fingers -right as rainThis situation is damp -et tu, Brute?Word-the die is castThis Gamer is dead -on top of the worldI'm in china -that's the way the cookie crumblesMy pastry is expired -let sleeping dogs lieDogs are liars -grin & bear it Smile and Sleep through winter


The Modern Job Hunt: The Agony and the Ecstasy / Additional Agony

February 8, 2006


The Advertising Copy: Thanks to modern technology, finding suitable employment has never been easier or more efficient! Websites showcase jobs in a wide variety of industries and make it faster and easier to apply, get an interview and get hired!

The Reality: The modern job hunt, from browsing employment listings to the final interview, is specifically designed to frustrate, degrade and emotionally damage the prospective employee. If properly administered, the whole episode will leave one questioning their self-worth and intelligence. Job seekers will end up desperate and pliable, making it all the easier for the system to hurl them onto the gears of The Machine to be crushed and mangled on the way to record earnings for shareholders.

Using Job Websites

The Advertising Copy: With websites like, Hot Jobs and Career Builder, you can post your resume, search employment listings by location, experience level and job type and get expert career advice!

The Reality: Searching for jobs on the Internet will make you wish for a bite from a highly venomous reptile, just so you can get a couple of days away from the computer while you recover. On paper, these search engines are a godsend. However, in reality they have more issues than Ashlee Simpson, Lindsey Lohan and the Olsen Twins combined.

The biggest problem is that, evidently, job hunters are pond scum and what they want is irrelevant. This manifests itself in a few different ways. One way is that when you specify a certain radius in miles for the site to search, it routinely ignores that and adds jobs from outside that area, even if you have not toggled the check box to include surrounding areas. Also, there are often listings for positions in other STATES included in your results as well. This defeats the purpose of having search criteria at all. Why doesn't the fucking site just issue you a job at random for Christ's sake!

Whats the reason for this seeming indifference to the needs of users? Users don't pay the bills. These sites get their income from the businesses posting the jobs. They need to get as many job listings up as possible in order to maximize their income. So, one shouldn't be surprised when the entry-level job listing you're reading actually requires a year or two of related experience. Sure it's misleading but as we previously learned, you don't fucking matter.

Of course, the listings are the heart of these sites but other services are offered as well, like resume writing. On Monster, a professionally written resume for a recent college graduate costs $165; one for a mid career/professional job seeker is $179. It costs more if you want multiple copies and/or multiple formats. The price for merely editing and sprucing up an existing resume starts at $119! Oh yeah, when I'm in between jobs I totally look to drop that kind of money on resume writing services. Damn, and to think I was gonna go to the library, get a book on resume writing and use MS Word resume templates. How silly of me! Monster guarantees your satisfaction but as far as I'm concerned, for that amount of money, the only way that's gonna happen is if they throw in a sloppy blowjob too.

Job Interviews

The Advertising Copy: Interviews allow an employer to get a feel for how good of a match an applicant is with the position they are seeking to fill.

The Reality: Interviews allow an employer to get a feel for how good a bullshitter an applicant is. Oh, sure, there has to be a basic level of competence and skills there, but really, an interview is about how good someone is on their knees, er, feet.

The process is rendered fairly pointless by the fact that usually there is a standard set of interview questions that are asked. So even if you don't have any particular talent for extemporizing (or sucking dick) if one can simply learn the questions and formulate responses ahead of time they should be fine. Appearance is also important, of course. You have to show up looking reasonably well-dressed and well groomed; this is common sense to most job hunters.

The heart of an interview is the Q & A. Success in this portion of an interview is simple. One must tell the interviewer what he or she wants to hear and be as self-aggrandizing as possible. Just make sure that the exaggerations are consistent with your resume. For instance, if an interviewer asks, Why do you think you'd be a good fit here at AmeriCorp? If an applicant says, In my last position at GloboTech I killed a bear by stabbing it through the eye with my penis, that is an excellent answer as long as it is on the applicant's resume. Some job-hunters are timid, concerned about their prospective employer calling their previous employer. Don't worry; hardly anyone actually checks references. It's time consuming and to be honest, HR has significantly more important projects to work on, like finding a legal loophole that would allow for the liquidation of the company's pension fund.

Many applicants feel a great deal of pressure in interviews, too nervous to be self-aggrandizing and unable to bullshit. This is not helped by the often agonizing and pointless open-ended questions that interviewers often ask. These questions can seem like there is no right answer. This is, however, excellent preparation for the actual work world, where bullshit and stupidity are ubiquitous and right answers are as unattainable as a promotion or a raise.


New Commercial

July 4, 2006 here and vote!


June 16, 2006

Please click this link and DIGG our new website we're hoping to get popular via Digg and you friends of ours, that aren't retarded.


-A fucking talking badger


Blade III Review

May 19, 2006

I just saw Blade III: Trinity

My face hurts, from Hollywoods latest 50 million dollar money shot being fired directly into my eyes. The proud Blade Trilogy has ended in a fiery ash-covered mess that would make Mr. Wizard knock his bottle of corrosive acid off the Bunsen burner and into the face of a retarded kid standing nearby. Why Mr. Wizard you ask? Because the pure lack of science behind the visual gadgetry and science defying tools put to use to kill ˜vampires who are apparently just gun powder filled party favors who detonate at the slightest touch of metal or a well aimed punch. I dont know about you¦ but last I checked vampires were supposed to be scary not champagne poppers with sharp teeth who die by the thousands at the hands of even the most basically trained. They dont seem so scary any more. I will tell you one thing this movie will give me nightmares about, The Writers.Now I realize that, on paper, gathering the screenplay writers from Babe: pig in the city, and Wes cravens ˜Look were killing things again “ And pulling half the effects crew off the set of ˜Jurassic Park 7: Theres a raptor in my coffee. Sounds like a grand idea. Like we could have the baddest vampires and the coolest catch phrases EVER! Unfortunately this is not the case. Let me begin the laundry list of fallacies included in the (hopefully) final episode in the Blade Saga.

1: Boomerang or Man-Hack?

The Blade toys have gotten more and more silly every time. There are bullets with little springs on them that glow and shoot doilies made of UV Smegma of course. And The classic 74 pound pistols to fire them. Along with what appears to be a knife-whip. Which while in theory sounds really cool, and visually impressive is something the ninja turtles would turn their heads and cough at seeing. Im sorry, I know its based on a comic book, but you cant SHOOT a knife attached to a cord made of fire and whip it around you in 24 foot arc to return back to its original position of +7 vs Vampire Todd McFarlane Knife. The next offender though, is the ˜boomerang which I put in quotes as it shares no aerodynamic similarities to an object, that when thrown, that will return to its starting point In fact, it looks like a Yomega brain yo-yo painted silver with 2 pairing knives glued to it. And I know what youre thinking, I bet you could throw that and have it come right back to you! Shutup you physics failing fucktards. There is a lovely scene where this thrown ˜item flies through 13 vampires in sharp triangular arc that also elevates 10 feet and is easily caught. Suffering no apparent kinetic loss of energy by sawing through a bakers dozen of the undead. This is not good science.

2: Evolution is a piece of shit

What else is bad science? The line from the movie, and heres the actual quote: This guy has never had to evolve, hes perfect! No, no, no, bad writers, BAD! Lets put this in perspective and follow evolution backwards for a couple million years. Where did all life form? Assumedly from slimy green algae that asexually split apart and thought slimy little thoughts, with no apparent blood sucking tendencies. However, apparently there is a Vampire algae That can split into 2 microbes that look life fangs and eat the particles out of other innocent baby microbes that cannot defend themselves against this perfect being. And the bad guy of this movie is apparently made of algae, as he has ˜never had to evolve “ Goddammit! Im spitting on my monitor and trying to read my words through a fiery haze of burning hatred for screenplay writers that shit on script paper and make millions of dollars for shaping the turds into pretty pretty words! Who evolves dramatically in their own life-span? Who would ˜never have to evolve?? And since when did the ugliest shape changing demon with detachable jaws and a big hard-on for melodramatic armor get called The perfect Being???? I hate every one of you.

3: A little experiment

Heres a thought, turn on your oven as high as it will possibly go (400-500 FahrenheitI assume) and let it sit there for a good hour. Then open the door to the oven and Jam as much of your body inside as possible as if the grim reaper himself were ass raping you into it. Now how does that feel? A LITTLE HOT! There is a scene from the movie where they pull out what would seem to the untrained eye to be a “ Transforming non-functional bow made of Blue fire “ While I was immediately, in my foolish brain, assuming that this must be a laser cutter of some sort, and it seems to slice through vampies pretty quick and easy. Simple, done deal. Right? RIGHT? No! This unnamed DOOM weapon is described as a UV beam that is HALF AS HOT AS THE SUN Now, from our earlier experiment and the consequent 7 months of physical therapy, we have discovered that hot things are hot. And why, oh lord above, why, this device, upon activation, does NOT kill every living thing within a 7000 mile radius, I dont know. This concentrated blue beam was invented by people who had never been to THIS website, as even from the Astronomy for kids guide book will tell us, that the sun, at its center is 27,000,000, let me spell this TWENTY-SEVEN-MILLION degrees Fahrenheit. Making this Hand Held cutting device a calm, cool, 13.5 million degree pocket sized arc welder. Now my assumption is that the introduction of this doomsday device would be the swift and merciful end of an already vomit inducing movie. Alas, no, this device is simply swung around occasionally at a few baddies and quickly put away.

4: Im covered in flaming dust

Now couple all these wonderful factoids with dialogue written by a dyslexic turtle with a bachelors degree in bullshit. And a crew of actors that while lacking any real talent, sure look nice with their shits off. This includes the model cum Ninja girl (Jessica Biel) that they threw in so they could have a shower scene that didnt involve Wesley snipes naked black ass grinding against Kris Kristoffersons walking corpse, as the man has now reached the ripe age of 244 years old! The only saving grace of ˜actors in this moving picture was Ryan Reynolds, who is basically Jason Lee, if Jason Lee lived in a gym made of steroids and had sex appeal instead of just gnomish charm. His painful humor kept the movie interesting at parts where Parker Poseys hair kept trying to eat the camera and simultaneously close her open-front skirts as even Demon hair couldnt stand THAT sight. In conclusion, Just about every single object and person in this movie explodes into steaming hunks of flaming debris and dirt, this includes the script.On a side note, I heartily recommend seeing this movie as an alternative to Ramming as many heated ball bearings into your ass as possible while running over broken glass covered in anthrax into the gaping maw of Parkey Poseys 200 year old snatch.


Customer Service Request

March 12, 2006

Dear Complaints Dept.,About 7 years ago I found a coupon pressed between the pages of my favorite book titled "How Fat people make love with no social skills" This coupon was for a free McDonalds happy meal toy. I feel that this entitles me to a 7000 percent discount with your company and I would like 243400 Dollars credited to my account. I have never placed an order with you and refuse to do business ever again with you if you do not issue this amount to my credit card as of ten days ago. I am a New Jersey resident and not familiar with the internet (whatever that is) or any form of purchasing product for money as I was raised in a south bronx school for the disabled and have never worked a day in my life. I am very angry that this is my first email and you have still not responded as I am writing this, and I expect a reply within 23 seconds or I am requiring that you pay my student loans for Gimps community college as well, where I failed at becoming a hairdresser, which was my lifes ambition. I have to go feed my accent now as it is slowly swallowing my tongue. Please contact me by fed-ex or internet magic within 48 minutes or I will take my business elsewhere. YOU WILL BE SORRY!Sincerely,Magnodoodle KrazinskiowskilifyterPS Where is the send button?PSS nevermindPSS my feet hurt, please compensate me for this as well


Interview with Jesus

July 31, 2006

Jesus is not an easy person to track down. Oh, they will tell you he is everywhere, but finding him and securing an interview is like trying to find Santa at a hardware store in the middle of July. I finally caught up with him in a bar just south of the Peruvian/ Columbian border and traded two tequilas and a cheap whore for an interview.Zero: So, what made you do it? I mean the whole religion business and all that.Jesus: Well, Bob, it is not something I had intended from the start. Back when I started out, guys like Zeus and Apollo had a corner on the market. They had temples and harems of women. I delivered fish in the desert. One day I backed over a guy while I was dropping off a load to a crowd of people and the next thing I know they are calling me the messiah. To make a long story short, being the son of God is a little bit of an upgrade from handling dead fish, so I made up a back story and went with it. Word of me spread like wildfire. People were a lot easier to fool before cable news and the internet came along.Zero: That\'s cool, but my name isn\'t Bob. So, if it was all a hoax, what about the miracles and the whole crucifixion thing?Jesus: The miracles were all smoke and mirrors. I had hired some actors to convince people they were sick or diseased and then I would come in, say something wise, lay my hands on them, and they would get \"better\". We worked hundreds of dumb villagers for everything from their livestock to their daughters. Those were really good times.The crucifixion is another story. You see, there were only so many little villages around the desert at that time. We got too well known. One night I was sitting around the campfire with Judas and some Romans drinking wine and smoking opium and we came up with a little plan. I can\'t really go in to specifics, but let\'s just say that while that other guy was rotting on the cross, I was laying down with a couple of busty maid servants in the Emperors private chamber. They buried that poor schmuck in a cave, then, three days later I show back up and the rest is history.Zero: Wow. That is an incredibly wicked lie to perpetrate on people. Don\'t you feel some sense of responsibility for the hundreds of years of war that lie has caused?Jesus: Not really, Bob!Zero: My name is not Bob.Jesus: Like I was saying, not really Bob. If it wasn\'t me it would have been someone else. All the guys did it. Buddha, Mohammed, even that David Koresh guy got in on the act a few hundred years later. It\'s all about business. I\'m pulling in more than Bill Gates here, Bob. I got a store on every corner. And I\'m not the only one making money here either. I\'m sure you have noticed that your local pastor is not driving an old Honda!Zero: You are a terrible, terrible man. I feel like just meeting you somehow made me a really bad person myself.Jesus: It\'s all about perspective, Bob. You\'re not looking at the big picture here. I just did what every other asshole in my situation would have done. Someone has to take advantage of the people, if not me, who? Gandhi? He is a big pussy. Buddha? Sure, give it to a fat ass that claims to never eat. Thor was a tough one but he gave up all his rights to religious domination when he joined the Avengers.Zero: I think Captain America would kick your ass!Jesus: See, a few hundred years ago a mouth like that would have gotten you burned at the stake. Now you got all these god damn environmentalist hippie liberals out there who cry every time you try to drown a woman for witchcraft. I personally blame the Buddhists, but what can you do!Zero: So, with all this money you are raking in, what in the blue hell are you doing way out here, in the jungles of South America?Jesus: They don\'t ask questions when the hookers disappear.Zero: Well, this has been fun. I thank you for your time and wish you the best on your world domination thing.Jesus: Didn\'t you mention something about a couple of shots and a hooker?


Why should we hire you?

July 10, 2006

I recall one time as I was working as a grocer for a Thebian Produce company, that a particularly difficult customer provided me with a connundrum, He wanted a basalt colored turnip genetically meshed with the flavor of Pez candy, he claimed it was very important and neccesary for his line of work (attorney?) However I set off at once to fullfill this arduous task, I drove 73 miles to his home address, slaughtered his family in a terrible bloodbath with the only object available to me at the time, an over-sized turnip that I had in the backseat of my 74' Ford Falcon. And having beaten to death this mans entire family I simply drove to the mall and purchased several basalt colored overalls and placed the dilapidated corpses in them. I then returned back to the produce company towing his bleeding loved ones mangled bodies from the back of the vehicle. When the man, patiently waiting for my return, viewed my current state and the condition of his erstwhile family, he became greatly distressed, but ever the customer service afficianado - I simply handed him the bloody turnip and calmly told him that while I couldn't get a basalt turnip flavored like pez, I did kill his whole family... in basalt. He was still distressed slightly over the manged state of the oversized turnip, he was so overjoyed he became catatonic with pleasing shock, and that, dear interviewer, is why I deserve this job.... Also I will eat you. (just repeat that verbatim)


Pay less for Comcast Internet

October 15, 2006

When your bill comes back up to full price (40-50 bucks a mon.) then you call them up and basically say:You: Hey I\'ve always paid 30 dollars or so for service and it went up!Them: oh that\'s our regular price, we prey on the weak!You: umm, odd. But anyway I had a lot of trouble getting signed up with you guys I\'m sure you can see the notes on my account!Them: *pretends to look it up, beats level 9 of minesweeper* YES!! I mean yes, I do see that here.You: Well I think with all the problems I\'ve had with you guys and I didn\'t know how much it would jump up to.Them: Well it is our standard price, and you smell funny.You: I what?Them: Oh nothing! *cough*You: Anyway \"“ I saw a promotion in the mail the other day for even less than 30! can I have that.Them: Oh (you hideous fool) that\'s for new customers and/or TV cable customers.You: I heard that, you just said \"Parentheses hideous fool\"Them: I\'m sorry ma\'am you must be mistaken.You: Look, Is there some promotion you can get me on or do I have to cancel and sign up again?Them: Ah wait there is something *Level 10 minesweeper completion* Let me just check...*The sounds of frantic typing while they stare longingly at a wall clock and cry silently* --Them: Yes we have some promotion currently for 20-35 a month, will that do! smelly?You: I took a showerThem: sure you did, how\'s the price?You: Yeah I guessThem: Great! I\'ll just switch your pricing, this whole conversation has been a farce to make sure you really wanted it.You: Wanted what?Them: Please do not comment on my internal monologue ma\'am, Can I help you with anything else today?You: There is something very wrong here and I!.*click*You: What the!ELAPSED TIME: 11.3 minutesDone DealFollow this dialogue exactly, even if they don\'t


Roommate Wanted: An Advertisement

September 20, 2006

Bi-Pedal Human seeks roommate of same genetic distinction and species. Myself and my collective enjoy a living space designed by famed artist MC Escher, and as such your domicile will occupy the 1st and 3rd bedroom as well as part of the bathroom and a space above the stairs.Cost: The fee per month is 365-940 dollars per month or lunar cycle (your pref.) The Range is partially due to our neccesity for our 'home-grown blood drive' and if you are a willing participant then it would greatly help our cause and reduce your rent. This is based off pints per weekly cycle as well as your health habits.No pets are allowed however we do keep several hundred organically fed wild finches in and around the household. Cleaning finch droppings is just one of many weekly chores, which are spread equally among the lesser caste/third of the existing roommates.We seek and prefer a female as their tolerance to pain and suffering is higher, however there is no particular reason for this, as we are perfectly normal people with no odd habits or secrets worth telling about. HA! We are big fans of fun.The utilities are slightly higher than you may be used to as we rely solely on nuclear power generated in a sealed room on the outer perimeter of the premises (Which is incredibly and unbelievably SAFE!). Also Cable is included in the monthly rent but we do not possess a TV and highly discourage watching content presented by the "Outside World".Parking is also available for one vehicle weighing 1-2 tons and no more than 9.8 feet in length, the available parking is only accessible on alternating shifts of 3-9 day cycles so for roughly a third of the month your car/vehicle will exist in a phased dimension and will be rendered un-usable.I'm sure you have many questions and we are eager to answer any further ones you might have, please contact us at