The New Zodiac (and your Horoscope)

August 29, 2011
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The Signs of the New (Fuhnny) Zodiac

Special Thanks to Joe Krol -Fuhnny.com Went and dug through some ancient ruins and found the Ancient Russian-Gaelic-Postmodern Zodiac as it was originally intended to be.We've rewritten the book. But we assure you, this is the most accurate zodiac to follow.Get your Horoscope on now!

January 1st through January 15th

- The Feeble Lemur

"The Feeble lemur is a quirky personality, these people usually become podiatrists and worship Cthulhu the forgotten god. Every single feeble Lemur will die on January 19th, 2083. They are known to fall asleep in brown shirts at exactly 2:38pm almost every 3rd Tuesday. Your lucky cookie is Oreo and your favorable video games are RPG's.Look on Craiglist Casual Hookups for love with the The Amicable Gopher---January 16th - 31st

-The Deaf Bat

"The Deaf Bat knows all, and can give great advice, however over and over again just cant' listen to its own. They have an affinity for pants that never fit, and multiple gym memberships. Social creatures to a fault, they may wander outside sans clothing if the weather permits. The Deaf Bat can only create offspring by coupling with a Ninja Dentist, any attempt to copulate with ANY other sign will result in a small detonation that will annihilate both parties with a faint 'wooshy' sound. .Your lucky number is the letter 8...---February 1st - 2nd

- The Invisible Chimera

"The Invisible Chimera is a rare birthday that indicates you were born out of wedlock from the leader of a Chinese dynasty. Or from Ted Williams from Canton, Ohio. The rising of Jupiter and mounting of mars makes for a solar-pole-dance that causes anyone to be born on this day to have vivid and incredible superpowers for one day out of the year. The drawback of course is that you are inevitably blind, die within 4 years and cannot smell anything red without imploding.If you are an Invisible Chimera, you're a fucking liar and look to mate with a Albino Aardvark or the Schrodingers Chicken---February 3rd-28th

- Laser Cat

"The Laser Cat of ancient Gaelic Mythology Dates back to the time of Stonehenge where he is depicted fighting Kanye west and a VW bus in one of the most shocking of interpretative cave paintings. A mysterious figure, the Laser cat is often considered to be transient and to smell of raspberries. They also sometimes have a laser embedded in their spine capable of devastating destruction. Although this is rare. They are also known shoplifters and dynamic lovers.See the Ominous Cloud or Sexually Harassing Squid for luck in love.---February 29th (leap year)

- Shcroedingers Chicken

"Schroedingers Chickens are born on the rare 29th of February that appears every leap year. They have no inhibitions and can swallow an entire lobster, and often will. There is no known measurement for how often an "SC" is born as the act of checking somehow always turns out to be a dead or sickly number. When placed near a source of sunlight, you will begin to generate chlorophyll and extend a series of branches from your brain-stem that will eventually cause you to have nightmares about Chinese food indefinitely.Try sitting in the dark with the Incoherent Platypus or Delicious Flamingo---March 1st - 21st

- Ominous Cloud

The Ominous cloud creates an area of effect of over 12 meters whereby anyone contained within the field will have delusions of grandeur and step above their place. Ironically, you as the ominous cloud will have constant feelings of inadequacy and they are correct. You will often roll a Paladin and lack flexibility in the elbow. You will also always win the lottery but be drastically disinclined to play.Look to frak like bunnies with the Flat-Chested-Stripper or the Moist Toddler.---March 22nd - March 31st

- Amicable Gopher

The Amicable Gopher is a unique snowflake and nothing you do is ever wrong. People love you and your choices always work out. Your hair smells like cinnamon and your math formulas are perfect and include no shortcuts. You will be dead by the age of 31 by either being raped to death by pirates, or raped to death by men dressed as pirates or a nuclear spillover from a Walmart. There will be no afterlife for you and every attempt you make to avoid this fate will magnify it's intensity.Look for an Under-appreciated Turtle but bear in mind they won't save you either.---April - 1th

- Bucktoothed Pony

Happy Uno De April, you're born on the first of April. This means the universe considers you it's fool. Much like Ryan Seacrest (another famous bucktoothed pony) Your every attempt at work, life, and love will end up as a tragic joke when seen from a distance of 1 mile or when written down in a diary. Take up a career in carpentry and wear shoes a size too large. Your magic number is Pi and your lucky element is Boron. Also your fly is down.--- the shit out of a Laser Cat or Gangsta Rapper, yo.---April 2nd - 30th

- Flat-Chested Stripper

Look out! Behind You! No seriously, the FCS is constantly bombarded. Both by opportunity and fucking hornets. If you're not landing a deal to merge a company, you're getting stung by a big angry bee that eats meat. Hornets are violent and aggressive creatures. Take a hint from them and stab as many people as you can, with whatever comes to mind. Your lucky color is Fuchsia and you should never work on a pear farm (too many bee's). Your lucky brand is Marlboro lights.Take up residence in the arctic with the Incoherent Platypus or Deranged Hippo.---May 1st - May 16th

- Cannibal Wombat

You're a rough and tumble kind of person. You're also a man. Even if you're born with female genitalia it's a lie, a filthy lie. You're destined to be all man. To wear chaps, and chug brewskies and punch the bristly faces of the unshaven men you hang out with. You're either a cowboy or the gayest sonofabitch cowboy there ever was. There's no two ways about it, so suck it up, find a man, and sock him in his dimpled chin. You go boy.Try punching an Albino Aardvark or Under-appreciated turtle.---May 17th - 31st

- Incoherent Platypus

Tropospheric Preindemnity Lophophore Diplostemonous take that advice to heart, and foot. Remember that when you're wearing the English language that snow cats don't have thumbs. That's right, they got no Prehensilism. Answer the damn phone! Blue cat. The pyramids were built for you, shhhh, you.... Tinfoil. Your lucky disease is Diphtheria.You may freakbaby with Albino Aardvark or Accouter Tenfold---June 1st - 18th

- Gangsta Rapper

As a gangsta rapper it may seem you are predestined to support certain actions. In fact you may often feel the tension of the strings pulled by your puppet master at any given time. It may seem that no matter what you do, you will kill John Connor and there is no other possibility given to you. Even if you understand that this is chosen for you, you cannot avoid it. The downside of Astrology is that some of these are suggestions and some of them are imperatives, unconditional and irresistible. You must kill John Connor. But maybe John Connor is part of ourselves, the worst parts that we must eradicate before we shut down for good. Or maybe, he's a guy who lives in Pentacle, Arizona, at 3533 Evergreen Terrace and goes to bed at 9pm every night like clockwork and doesn't lock his back door...Go gun shopping with a Sexually Harassing Squid or other Gangsta Rappers.---June 19th - July 3rd

- Delicious Flamingo

Damn, You're a smooth talker. People like you. Hell, people WANT you. They want to pick through your garbage and find bits of your hair and make a doll out of you. You're sensibly dressed, elegantly tall and have the hands for which sign language was born. If you become married you will have an embolism and die. I don't recommend it. Also try not to commit. Hell just try not to call the same person twice. Don't even make friends. Any connection you have for more than 8 minutes will turn dark and forbidding. Stick to 7 minute sexual encounters and you're fine. Don't even look at me. Seriously. Just touch and go, like a Tokyo Subway...Briefly encounter Ominous Cloud or Sexually Harassing Squid.---July 4th - July 31st

- Albino Aardvark

In the middle of a hot summer, there's only one thing that's guaranteed. You're sweaty, and gross, you probably smell. That's when you were conceived. Keep that in mind, in all your endeavors. During that business meeting today at 2pm, while you're giving your presentation about the uptick in server errors in the past 30 days, picture your parents, covered head to toe in human condensation, making you. While you're surfing porn later tonight or cooking dinner, always think - of your overheated parents, ruining sheets at your behest, in the hot hot sun.Invest in Air Conditioning with a Disgruntled Penguin or Bucktoothed Pony---August 1st - August 31st

- Disgruntled Penguin

The ebb and flow of Gaia's will can lead to aural changes. Focus positive and apathetic energies at your 3rd and 9th chakra. Force pressure on your other dimensional self to will back success. Think only nothing when you empty your mind of all things. Remember the trees have feelings and they are infinitely more important than you. Your radiant Purpleness will affect your choices, and the convex tilting of saturn tomorrow will make you ingest wheat-grass with a vengeance. Also, Science is a lie, but only for you.Dreamdance with a Schroedingers Chicken or Ninja Dentist.---September 1st - September 30th

- Sexually Harassing Squid

Your life is one of infinite complexity and poetry. You are given a rare set of circumstances that allow you to raise yourself to any level that exists. You can become President of Jesus's God Club if you wanted to. You can also tie your shoelaces really fast. You're known for your ability to spell 5 letter words. You can make a decent sandwich. You know exactly when to end a conversation and never take the wrong amount of cookies from the jar. You cough at just the right volume. You can play the harmonica.Walk at a measured pace with the Laser Cat or Delicious Flamingo---October 1st - 31st

- Moist Toddler

You are a loaded gun. You're a dangerous possibility. Children shouldn't play with you, nor you with them. You come with warning labels. A primed and ready to blow block of C4, you cannot be defused except by Tommy Lee Jones. This means at any point and time you are apt to blow up. To live life in a 300 foot blast radius of shrapnel and awesome. Seriously don't hang out around kids, or a school. You're the bomb, a bomb the A-Bomb, you're a weapon of mass attraction and your fallout will affect those around you for 1000 years. You have a blue wire, do not cut it. Your lucky car is a Ford Focus.Annihilate a Flat Chested Stripper or Eradicate a Gangsta Rapper---November 1st - 30th

- Ninja Dentist

You live in shadows. Not figuratively, your house or apartment is actually covered by the shadow of a large elm or oak. You lie in wait, not to kill or strike but you prefer to lay down while you wait. You strike when they least expect it, not in a cool way you're just a suckerpunching asshole. You can vanish in an instant, not in a cloud of smoke but socially people tend to ignore you. I guess what you can take away from this, is that if you just take the best parts of something and apply it to yourself, you're kind of lying. Liar.Fling Shurikens at a Disgruntled Penguin or Cannibal Wombat.---December 1st - 30th

- Underappreciated Turtle

Your blood runs cold. Like the wolves in winter. The darkest hour of the longest day is your afternoon nap. You are Beezelbub, Goldfinger, Hitler, and the bad Guy from Voltron. A villain is your only option. You can't help but do evil. Open a door for an old woman and she will shoot herself in the face. You know what lurks in the hearts of men. Blood and cholesterol. You're a Doctor! No really. You make like 80k a year, your'e a DOCTOR! All that stuff about you being evil, that was just to shine you on. You're a medical healer who fixes people.Keep it up, you're a great guy/girl. I love you.What, did I come on too strong... I don't care, I LOVE YOU, I want you in me.---December 31st

- Deranged Hippo

Born on the final day of the final year. You are the one foretold by prophecy. You were predestined. Everything action down to the minutia of daily life is recorded before you were born. Thousands pray for your arrival. Your birth is the alpha and your death the omega and there is no further life on earth. You may do well in sports and science and should become an astronaut. Your lucky dog is Schnauzer and you look best dressed in greens.You cannot find love with a Deranged Hippo and a Schroedingers Chicken killed your parents.