Sushi is Complicated

January 22, 2009
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Dude, Sushi is so complicated. Keep in mind, this is like an old-school Japanese documentary, but still it shows that we're a bunch of dirty heathens.

Ironically if you were to make a video about eating at an American establishment it would be longer and require the many different ways that we are obligated to be rude. Here's my list of American style dining guide:

  1. Enter the establishment by knocking open the door with your knee (or beer gut if your not as limber as you used to be). Make sure to do it swiftly so to catch any unaware people with the hard edge of door-shaped justice for existing in your space.
  2. After you have entered make sure to spot anyone standing idly and question them with a firm "You work here?". While avoiding eye contact and looking slightly like you're put off by this whole process.
  3. After being seated be sure to call the host/waiter back to your table at least 2 or 3 times by asking for the things that they were going to bring you anyway, breadsticks, water, free shot glasses of Crisco... whatever.
  4. Make the waiter come back about 3-4 times because one of your or all of you are "not ready yet" when the waiter comes back for a final time, make a point of simply making your 4 second decision from the menu there while they are waiting. This shows that you could have been ready to order at anytime but wanted to finish telling your friend about this girl/guys awesome tits/ass.
  5. When the food comes, don't say a single word, just sit there silently while they set the food down and clear your throat a few times. This makes your server feel like they are a naughty child interrupting in grown up talk, It may help at this point to discuss your sex life or impotency.
  6. Finish roughly half of everything, and send back or request a refund on at least one or two items.
  7. When the waiter/busser tries to take your filthy dishes, move protectively about your plate like a hyena over a gruesome kill. Don't actually indicate your intentions, simply stare them down and if they ask you if they can take that, think about it long enough that they feel awkward, usually about 30-50 seconds.
  8. When the waiter comes back for their inevitable dessert sales pitch, make loud exclamations that they must be insane or stupid, because you just imbibed roughly 34 pounds of meat and roughage. This is because humans are the only animal able to gorge to excess and NOT vomit up what they don't need, and we revel in this ability. Then order a chocolate pie anyway.
  9. When the check comes, loudly discuss the amounts and mistakes that are no doubt there, and then leave a tip that either borders on insulting or is so far in excess to the service that it shows you don't care one way or another if they were good or not.
  10. Remember when the check has come to split it at the last minute at least 3 or 4 different ways, it helps to act like this was your plan all along and the waiter/waitress just "didn't get it"
  11. You have successfully eaten like an American, this would be a good time to hop into your SUV and drive your foggy-eyed family back to the house where you'll stare at the open fridge before filling your favorite ass-indent on the couch and watching one of the many *quality* reality TV shows, like "Stupid People Dating" or "Vapid Blonde Whores go Shopping"

If you think the Sushi Video is anal retentive and over the top, just remember the equally lengthy series of steps required to eat like an American and realize we are a bunch of bastards with no culture except what the picture-box gives us.   Do I sound bitter? Maybe I just want some Sushi.[Special Thanks to: Briggs]