FakeDM.com provides really interesting funny and cool, artificial intelligence driven chat experiences where you get to interface with a digital dungeon master. You can do it in the style of a choose your own adventure or just freeform and completely type in your own commands. It's pretty impressive how well it rolls with you and how well it understands the rules of dungeons and dragons.

Here is a conversation that I had with the dungeon bot

Today we are going to play a game of Dungeons and Dragons.

There are two different ways to play.
1 - Multiple choice, this is a more simplified and streamlined version. Where you simply choose from a number of options at every turn.
2 - Freeform, this is the more complex and open-ended version where you type in your actions or intentions at every step.

First thing is first, what style of game would you like to play from the above numbered options?

I choose 2

Great! You've chosen the Freeform text adventure. Now let's create your character.

Please provide your character's name, race, and class. For example: "Grakthar, Half-Orc Barbarian."

Feel free to add any additional details if you like, or we can dive right into the adventure after you provide the basic info.

I am Witless Nick an incredibly stupid man, prone to Freudian slips but blessed with a massive overabundance of luck and often narrowly miss death by doing the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'm a human fighter

Welcome, Witless Nick, the incredibly stupid but incredibly lucky Human Fighter! Your knack for narrowly avoiding death by sheer dumb luck is legendary. You've somehow managed to bumble your way through life, and now you're ready for a new adventure.

As you wander through the bustling town of Clumsyford, you find yourself standing in front of a large notice board filled with various job postings and quests. One of them catches your eye:

"Help Wanted: Brave adventurers needed to retrieve the lost artifact of the Ancient Mage, Archibald. Great reward offered. Inquire at Ye Olde Tavern."

What would you like to do next?

1. Head to Ye Olde Tavern to inquire about the job.
2. Search for another job posting.
3. Wander the town of Clumsyford and see what other opportunities arise.
4. Take a nap under the notice board (because why not?).

Hit up the tavern and drink too much then ask about the job

Embracing the spirit of foolish decisions, you saunter into Ye Olde Tavern and immediately order too many tankards of the strongest ale they have. As you're chugging down your copious amount of booze, you begin to feel the room spinning. Your drunkenness, however, doesn't prevent you from remembering your purpose.

You stumble toward the barkeep, slurring your words, and ask about the job posting for the lost artifact of Archibald. The barkeep, a burly man with a bushy beard, raises an eyebrow at your inebriated state but decides to give you the details anyway.

"The artifact is said to be hidden deep within the Crypt of Confusion," he explains. "We've had many adventurers try and retrieve it, but none have returned. It's a dangerous place, filled with traps and monsters. But the reward is great, 5,000 gold pieces for the one who brings it back."

What would you like to do next?

1. Accept the job and head to the Crypt of Confusion, despite your drunken state.
2. Ask the barkeep for more information about the artifact.
3. Try to sober up before making a decision.
4. Forget the job and challenge a random patron to a drinking contest.

Accept the Job

In your drunken haze, you enthusiastically accept the job and slur out a declaration of your intention to retrieve the artifact. You stumble out of Ye Olde Tavern, intent on finding the Crypt of Confusion.

As you wander through the town, you eventually find yourself outside its gates. By some stroke of luck, you manage to locate a signpost pointing the way to the Crypt of Confusion. With a hiccup and a determined grin, you set off on your adventure.

After several hours of walking, you arrive at the entrance to the Crypt of Confusion, a foreboding stone structure surrounded by overgrown vegetation. The entrance is a massive stone door, and above it is an inscription that reads, "Beware all who enter, for confusion awaits."

What would you like to do next?

1. Push open the stone door and enter the Crypt.
2. Knock on the stone door and see if anyone answers.
3. Sit down and wait for the effects of alcohol to wear off before entering.
4. Yell out a challenge to the monsters inside the Crypt to come out and fight you.

Enter blind with no caution

With reckless abandon, you shove the massive stone door open and stumble into the dark depths of the Crypt of Confusion. As your eyes slowly adjust to the darkness, you realize that you're standing in a dimly lit hallway with numerous doors lining its walls. The air is thick with dust and the smell of decay.

You decide to charge forward blindly, letting fate decide your path. With each door you pass, you wonder what kind of horrors and traps may lie behind them, but you don't seem to care. Your drunkenness seems to fuel your bravery, or perhaps it's simply impairing your judgment.

As you continue down the hallway, you suddenly trip on a protruding stone and fall face-first onto a large pressure plate on the floor. You hear the sound of gears shifting and mechanisms moving.

What would you like to do next?

1. Jump up and try to dodge any potential traps activated by the pressure plate.
2. Lie still and hope that whatever trap you've sprung doesn't hit you.
3. Yell out for help, hoping someone or something will come to your aid.
4. Accept your fate and prepare for the worst.

Lie still and vomit a bit

You decide to lie still on the pressure plate, hoping that by some miracle, the trap won't affect you. As you lay there, the excessive alcohol in your system catches up to you, and you can't help but vomit a little on the cold stone floor of the crypt.

Miraculously, your decision to stay put pays off. An array of dart traps hidden within the walls begins to fire, but your prone position keeps you safe from their deadly trajectory. The darts whiz over your body, narrowly missing you as they embed themselves into the opposite wall.

With the darts spent and the trap seemingly deactivated, you can't help but feel a pang of pride at having evaded danger with your unconventional tactics.

What would you like to do next?

1. Get up, wipe your mouth, and continue down the hallway.
2. Stay on the ground, crawl forward, and continue exploring the Crypt from this safe position.
3. Search the area for a hidden door or passage.
4. Take a nap right there, still lying in your own vomit.

Crawl

Choosing to embrace your newfound crawling strategy, you stay low to the ground and begin to make your way through the Crypt of Confusion on all fours. The cold stone floor is unpleasant against your hands and knees, but you're confident that this approach will help you avoid any further traps.

As you crawl along, you pass several more doors with no indication of where they might lead. Suddenly, you hear faint chittering sounds coming from one of the doors to your left.

What would you like to do next?

1. Investigate the chittering sounds by opening the door.
2. Ignore the sounds and continue crawling down the hallway.
3. Knock on the door to see if the source of the sounds responds.
4. Yell out a drunken warning to whatever is making the sounds, threatening them with your unarmed combat prowess.

Burst in sword drawn and vomiting

Unable to contain your curiosity and with a sudden surge of inebriated courage, you leap to your feet, draw your sword, and kick open the door. As you burst into the room, an uncontrollable wave of vomit escapes your mouth, adding to your dramatic entrance.

Inside the room, you find a group of small, startled kobolds. They're huddled around a makeshift table, playing some sort of card game. The chittering sound you heard was their conversation.

Covered in vomit and brandishing your sword, you stand before the kobolds, who stare back at you with a mixture of fear and confusion. It's clear that they weren't expecting any human company, especially not one in such a state.

What would you like to do next?

1. Apologize for the intrusion and try to join their card game.
2. Engage the kobolds in combat, hoping to eliminate any potential threats.
3. Attempt to communicate with them, asking for directions to the artifact.
4. Close the door and pretend like this whole encounter never happened.

Communicate and throw money at them for the secrets you need

Deciding to take a more diplomatic approach, you sheathe your sword and try to communicate with the kobolds. You reach into your coin purse and pull out a handful of gold, tossing it onto their table. The kobolds' eyes widen at the sight of the shiny coins, and their fear begins to subside.

In broken Common, you ask them for any information they have about the lost artifact of Archibald. One of the bolder kobolds, who seems to be the leader of the group, speaks up.

"Artifact? Oh, yes. Deep, deep in crypt. Much danger. But we help, for gold," the kobold leader says, greedily eyeing the coins.

The kobolds agree to guide you through the crypt in exchange for the gold you've provided them. With the promise of more gold upon completion of your mission, they seem eager and excited to help.

What would you like to do next?

1. Allow the kobolds to lead the way and follow their guidance.
2. Demand that they draw you a map instead, so you can navigate the crypt on your own.
3. Try to negotiate a smaller payment for their assistance.
4. Change your mind and challenge the kobolds to a game of cards for their help.

Make outlandish promises and set out with my kobold army. Altering my outfit to appear more like them. Also try to learn their language as we go

With grand gestures and outlandish promises of wealth and glory, you convince the kobolds to join your cause and form a small kobold army. They chatter excitedly amongst themselves, clearly thrilled at the prospect of adventure and the chance to earn more gold.

You take the initiative to alter your outfit, using bits of cloth and material you find in the room to make yourself look more like the kobolds. Your new comrades seem amused and appreciative of your attempts to blend in.

As you journey deeper into the crypt, you also make an effort to learn their language. The kobolds are more than willing to teach you, and you begin to pick up simple phrases and expressions.

Led by your newly-formed kobold army, you continue your search for the lost artifact of Archibald. As you navigate the dark corridors and treacherous chambers, you can't help but feel that your luck and newfound allies might just be the key to your success.

What would you like to do next?

1. Keep following the kobolds' guidance as you delve deeper into the crypt.
2. Stop and ask the kobolds about their lives and experiences in the crypt.
3. Start to devise a plan for how to utilize your kobold army in future battles.
4. Take a break and teach the kobolds a human game or song to pass the time.

Keep going and share some food with them increasing our bond

You decide to press on, following your kobold allies as they lead you deeper into the crypt. Along the way, you take the opportunity to share some of your rations with them, further strengthening the bond between you and your newfound companions.

The kobolds seem grateful for the food and your willingness to share, and they eagerly accept your offerings. As you travel further, you notice that their initial fear and apprehension have been replaced by a sense of camaraderie and loyalty. They seem more than willing to risk their lives to help you achieve your goal.

After navigating a maze of twisting passages and treacherous chambers, you and your kobold army finally arrive at a large, ornate door, adorned with ancient runes and elaborate carvings. An eerie, magical energy seems to emanate from the door, and your kobold friends glance at each other nervously.

What would you like to do next?

1. Attempt to open the door and face whatever lies beyond.
2. Consult your kobold allies and ask if they know anything about the door.
3. Search for a way to disable or bypass any potential traps on the door.
4. Have a quick dance party with the kobolds to boost everyone's morale before opening the door.

Dance party and the suddenly dash forward and yank the door open

You decide that a quick dance party is just what you and your kobold army need to boost morale before facing whatever lies beyond the door. You start to move to a rhythm only you can hear, encouraging the kobolds to join in. They hesitantly begin dancing, but soon enough, they're fully engaged in the impromptu celebration.

With everyone's spirits lifted, you suddenly dash forward, surprising your kobold friends, and yank the door open with a burst of adrenaline-fueled strength.

The door swings open to reveal a large chamber, dimly lit by flickering torches lining the walls. In the center of the room, resting on a pedestal, is an ornate, glowing artifact - the lost artifact of Archibald.

However, your triumph is short-lived, as you notice a massive, skeletal figure guarding the artifact. It turns its hollow gaze toward you and your kobold army, a sinister aura surrounding it.

What would you like to do next?

1. Charge at the skeletal guardian with your kobold army and engage it in battle.
2. Attempt to negotiate with the guardian, explaining your quest to retrieve the artifact.
3. Try to devise a clever plan to distract the guardian and steal the artifact.
4. Run back out the door, screaming in terror, and hope the guardian doesn't follow.

Charge in with your army screaming in kobold and throw everything I've got into it

With a battle cry in the kobold language, you rally your newfound comrades and charge headlong into the chamber. The kobolds follow your lead, screeching and brandishing their makeshift weapons. United in purpose, you throw yourselves into the fray with reckless abandon.

As you engage the skeletal guardian, you quickly realize that your combined forces are more formidable than you thought. The kobolds work together, nimbly dodging the guardian's powerful strikes while chipping away at its defenses. You take advantage of every opening, striking with your sword and unleashing your full might upon the undead foe.

Despite the guardian's immense strength and sinister aura, your determination and the fierce loyalty of your kobold army begin to wear it down. With each passing moment, the guardian's movements become slower and more labored, its once-terrifying presence now faltering.

Finally, with one last, powerful strike, you shatter the skeletal guardian, and its remains crash to the floor in a heap of bones and dust. The room falls silent, and your kobold allies erupt in cheers and celebration.

With the guardian defeated, you approach the pedestal and claim the lost artifact of Archibald. The task is complete, and your kobold army has proven their worth as invaluable allies in this quest.

What would you like to do next?

1. Head back to the town of Clumsyford with the artifact and claim your reward.
2. Share a heartfelt farewell with your kobold friends

Attempt to seduce a female kobold to show my commitment and ask the group to stay with me forever to be brothers until the end. Then set out to sell the artifact

In an attempt to strengthen your bond with the kobolds and show your commitment, you decide to try and seduce a female kobold. While your advances are met with confusion and a mix of curiosity, the gesture is seen as a sign of affection and camaraderie. You then express your desire for the kobold group to stay with you forever, pledging to be brothers until the end.

The kobolds, touched by your heartfelt words, agree to stay by your side and share in future adventures. United as a true band of brothers, you set out, artifact in hand, to sell it and reap the rewards.

Your strange but loyal group of adventurers returns to Clumsyford, where the townspeople are awestruck at the sight of a human and a group of kobolds standing side by side. You approach the buyer for the artifact, who pays you the promised 5,000 gold pieces, though not without some bewilderment at your newfound allies.

With the gold in hand and your kobold brothers by your side, you can't help but feel that this is just the beginning of a grand and unpredictable journey filled with friendship, danger, and perhaps a little more seduction.

I want to fully equip the kobolds with the finest weapons and armor and seek a new challenge

With your newfound wealth, you decide to outfit your loyal kobold comrades with the finest weapons and armor available. You visit the local blacksmith and purchase an array of deadly blades, sturdy shields, and well-crafted armor, custom-fit for your small but fierce army.

The kobolds, now fully equipped and looking quite formidable, are eager to embark on your next adventure together. As you walk through Clumsyford, you catch wind of a new challenge that has emerged:

Whispers abound of a powerful dragon that has taken residence in the nearby Shadowmire Caves. The fearsome beast has been terrorizing the countryside, and the local lord has issued a hefty bounty for its head.

What would you like to do next?

1. Accept the dragon-slaying quest and head to the Shadowmire Caves with your well-equipped kobold army.
2. Investigate the rumors further and gather more information before making a decision.
3. Visit the lord's castle and negotiate an even higher bounty for slaying the dragon.
4. Decide that dragon slaying is overrated and go on a pub crawl with your kobold friends instead.

Blown the rest of my money on a massive sword that's effective against dragons, and set out with my army to find this stupid dragon

Eager to make your mark as a dragon slayer, you decide to spend the rest of your gold on an impressive, massive sword specifically crafted to be effective against dragons. Its blade is etched with enchantments, and the grip and guard are adorned with intricate dragon motifs. The weapon's weight feels reassuring in your hands, and you can't help but imagine the fear it will strike into the heart of the dragon.

With your newly-purchased dragon-slaying sword and your well-equipped kobold army by your side, you set out for the Shadowmire Caves. The journey takes you through dense forests and murky swamplands, but your determination and camaraderie never waver.

After several days of travel, you finally arrive at the entrance to the Shadowmire Caves. A dark, gaping maw in the side of a hill, the entrance looks both foreboding and ominous. The distant echo of draconic growls can be heard from within the depths, sending shivers down your spine.

What would you like to do next?

1. Rally your kobolds and charge into the cave, weapons drawn and ready for battle.
2. Proceed cautiously into the cave, trying to avoid detection by the dragon.
3. Send a brave kobold scout ahead to gather information about the dragon's lair.
4. Attempt to lure the dragon out of the cave with a clever ruse or distraction.

Stop to learn more kobold and continue my efforts at a kobold wife. Then after we are more closely bonded then ever, sneak in as a single unit of kobold ninjas to scout this dragon

Before venturing further into the Shadowmire Caves, you decide to take some time to learn more of the kobold language, further solidifying your bond with your comrades. As you become more fluent, you continue your efforts to woo a kobold wife. You serenade her with songs in their native tongue, shower her with compliments, and offer gifts of trinkets and baubles. Over time, the female kobold is won over by your persistence and charm, and she agrees to become your kobold bride.

With your connection to the kobolds stronger than ever and your newfound love, you and your army decide to approach the dragon's lair with the stealth and cunning of kobold ninjas. Together, you move silently through the cave, sticking to the shadows and avoiding any loose rocks or bones that might betray your presence.

As you delve deeper into the cave, the temperature rises, and the smell of sulfur fills the air – clear signs of a dragon's presence. Eventually, you come across a vast chamber illuminated by the flickering glow of magma pools. There, resting on a mound of treasure, is the fearsome dragon, its scales shimmering in the dim light.

What would you like to do next?

1. Launch a surprise attack on the dragon, hoping to catch it off-guard.
2. Attempt to communicate with the dragon and try to negotiate a peaceful resolution.
3. Observe the dragon's behavior and devise a plan to steal its hoard

Send the kobolds to flank while I stumble out into the open and attempt to trick the dragon with sheer hubris and bald face lying

You devise a daring plan, instructing your kobold comrades to split up and stealthily flank the dragon on both sides. The kobolds nod in understanding, their eyes filled with determination and trust in your leadership. They disappear into the shadows, ready to support you from their concealed positions.

With your kobold army in place, you take a deep breath, muster all your hubris, and stride confidently into the open chamber. The dragon, caught off guard by your unexpected presence, lifts its enormous head and fixes its piercing gaze upon you.

In the face of this terrifying and majestic creature, you draw upon your powers of deception and launch into a bold-faced lie, weaving a tale of how you've come to pay tribute to the great dragon and that your presence has been foretold in ancient prophecies.

The dragon listens intently, curiosity and intrigue overcoming its initial surprise. It is difficult to read the dragon's thoughts, but it seems momentarily captivated by your audacious speech.

What would you like to do next?

1. Use this opportunity to launch a surprise attack with the help of your flanking kobold army.
2. Continue trying to deceive the dragon, hoping to put it at ease and gain its trust.
3. Attempt to barter with the dragon, offering it more riches in exchange for leaving the countryside in peace.
4. Boldly demand that the dragon share its hoard with you, claiming that it is your rightful due according to the prophecy.

Explain as is the dragon is stupid or feeble that there is an extremely well known prophecy that this cave will explode in one hour. Really double down on this and add details to make it seem like everyone knows this and you just came to be polite and figured he would be gone already. Make it sound like it would be foolish not to leave immediately

Feigning surprise at the dragon's apparent ignorance of the "well-known prophecy," you launch into an elaborate tale about how this very cave is destined to explode in just one hour. You pepper your story with intricate details and express amazement at the dragon's lack of knowledge regarding the impending catastrophe.

"You know, Great Dragon, I'm really quite shocked you haven't heard about this," you say, oozing incredulity. "The prophecy has been common knowledge among the mortal races for centuries. I came here mainly as a courtesy, thinking you'd already have vacated the premises."

As you speak, you can see the dragon's eyes narrow with uncertainty, the seeds of doubt taking root. It seems at least somewhat convinced by your impassioned delivery, but you can tell that it's still weighing the validity of your claims.

What would you like to do next?

1. Press the urgency of the situation and convince the dragon to leave immediately.
2. Offer to help the dragon find a new, safer lair as proof of your goodwill.
3. Suggest that the dragon should investigate the prophecy itself to verify the truth.
4. Casually mention that the dragon's hoard will also be destroyed and see if that sways its decision.

Use hand signals to indicate that the kobolds should start robbing the place blind. And then kindly offer to help the dragon find a new cave in a slightly condescending manner that implies it's really dropped the ball by not doing this already.

While maintaining eye contact with the dragon, you subtly give hand signals to your kobold comrades, instructing them to commence pilfering the great hoard. As your nimble allies move silently among the treasure, pocketing gold and gems, you address the dragon with a kind but condescending tone.

"Look, Great Dragon, it's clear that you've been out of the loop on this prophecy business. But, worry not! In the spirit of cooperation, I can help you find a new, much safer cave to call home. After all, nobody wants to be caught in a catastrophic explosion, right? We've got to act now, though. Time's ticking."

The dragon, now visibly conflicted, considers your offer. Its pride is clearly wounded by your condescending manner, but the uncertainty about the prophecy and the impending explosion pushes it to make a decision. With a heavy sigh, the dragon agrees to your proposal.

As the dragon prepares to leave its lair, your kobold friends continue to stealthily raid the hoard. You've managed to trick the fearsome beast and secure a small fortune in stolen treasure.

What would you like to do next?

1. Lead the dragon to a new cave, keeping your promise and hoping it doesn't discover your deception.
2. Bid the dragon farewell and make a hasty retreat as it departs, hoping it doesn't notice the missing treasure.
3. Try to push your luck and convince the dragon to give you

Introduce the dragon to your army and lie that your group was formed to protect this dragon. Help him find a new cave and send some kobolds to sell loot and come back with elaborate dragon themed furniture. Then invite him to join the party after overwhelming him with gifts

Deciding to further the deception, you introduce the dragon to your kobold army, spinning a tale of how your group was actually formed to protect and serve this mighty beast. The dragon, already off balance from the prophecy revelation, listens to your explanation and regards the kobolds with curiosity.

You lead the dragon to a new cave, one that is both spacious and hidden from prying eyes. While the dragon settles in, you send a few of your kobold friends to sell some of the pilfered loot and return with extravagant dragon-themed furniture to adorn the new lair.

As the dragon marvels at the luxurious gifts, you make your final pitch, inviting it to join your party and embark on a grand adventure together. Overwhelmed by your generosity and the unexpected turn of events, the dragon agrees to join your motley crew, becoming an unlikely but powerful ally.

And so, with a dragon on your side and a band of loyal kobolds at your back, you continue your journey, ready to tackle whatever challenges lay ahead.

What would you like to do next?

1. Return to Clumsyford and show off your newfound dragon ally to the townspeople.
2. Set off in search of new quests and adventures, pushing your team's limits.
3. Take a break from adventuring to focus on training and bonding with your new dragon companion.
4. Begin planning an epic heist with the help of your unique and powerful team.

Train and bond everyone and then plan a heist. Also make dragon armor that's just next level epic

You decide that before embarking on your next grand adventure, it's essential to strengthen the bond between your unique crew of adventurers and to help them train together. You set up a makeshift training camp where you, the kobolds, and your new dragon ally can practice combat tactics, develop trust, and learn to work as a cohesive unit.

During this time, you also commission a set of awe-inspiring dragon armor for your new draconic companion. Crafted from the finest materials and intricately adorned with details, the armor not only provides protection but also exudes an aura of majesty that brings out the dragon's regal nature.

With your team now more skilled and bonded than ever, it's time to put your talents to the test. You gather everyone together and begin planning an epic heist that will challenge your abilities and send a message to the entire realm: there's a new band of adventurers in town, and they mean business.

What would you like to do next?

1. Research potential targets for your daring heist, looking for a suitable challenge and a worthy prize.
2. Reach out to contacts and allies for inside information or assistance with the heist.
3. Prepare your team with a series of smaller heists to test your coordination and teamwork.
4. Throw caution to the wind and immediately attempt to rob the most heavily guarded fortress in the realm.

Caution to the wind my friend. I'm witless nick

Embracing your inner "Witless Nick," you decide to go big or go home. Throwing caution to the wind, you set your sights on the most heavily guarded fortress in the realm – the Royal Treasury of King Alistair IV. The treasury is said to hold not only vast amounts of gold and precious gems, but also powerful magical artifacts collected over generations.

With your fearless kobold comrades, your dragon companion clad in its majestic armor, and your own daring spirit, you embark on the most audacious heist the kingdom has ever seen.

As you approach the fortress, you quickly realize that its defenses are no joke – heavily armed guards, impenetrable walls, and a myriad of magical protections stand between you and the treasure within. But your team is not easily deterred; if anything, the challenge only serves to stoke the fires of determination burning within each of you.

Utilizing a combination of stealth, cunning, brute force, and the occasional well-timed dragon breath, you manage to infiltrate the fortress and bypass its myriad obstacles. The adrenaline of the heist pushes you and your team to new heights of skill and daring, and you can't help but feel invincible as you move ever closer to the treasure.

As you finally stand before the massive vault door that houses the royal treasury, what would you like to do next?

1. Attempt to pick the lock with your own skills and tools.
2. Have your kobolds work their nimble

Have the kobolds disassemble the door and remove it with the dragons help. Meanwhile you gather several of the servants and hire them with triple pay to help you carry this loot out. Offering more than they make in a year.

You decide that subtlety has its limits, and with the combined skills of your team, you can simply remove the vault door. You instruct the kobolds to disassemble the door while the dragon uses its strength to assist in the process. With their teamwork and ingenuity, the door is soon removed, revealing the dazzling hoard within.

Meanwhile, you approach several servants working in the fortress and make them an offer they can't refuse. You promise to pay them triple their current wages if they help carry the loot out of the treasury, an amount that far exceeds what they would make in a year. Tempted by the generous offer, the servants agree to join your endeavor.

Together, your team and the hired servants begin to transport the treasure out of the fortress. Your audacious plan has succeeded, and you marvel at the amazing heist you've pulled off with your unique band of adventurers.

As you make your escape, what would you like to do next?

1. Return to Clumsyford and celebrate your daring heist with a grand feast.
2. Find a hidden location to stash your newfound wealth before deciding on your next adventure.
3. Use the treasure to fund a charitable cause, becoming a Robin Hood-like figure in the realm.
4. Seek out new challenges, with your ever-growing team and newfound wealth at your disposal.

Build a new fortress atop Clumsyford of awe inspiring scale and strength. Name it the "Fortress of Boom Boom Baby" and make sure it has a dragon garage. Invite the servants to remain with you at triple pay and start an empire based on mixed races

With your newfound wealth and a vision of unity, you decide to build a magnificent fortress atop Clumsyford, one that will serve as a symbol of strength and solidarity among all races. The fortress, dubbed "Fortress of Boom Boom Baby," is designed to be both awe-inspiring and welcoming, a place where individuals of all backgrounds can come together and prosper.

A special "dragon garage" is built to accommodate your draconic ally, ensuring it has a comfortable and suitable home within the fortress. You invite the servants you hired during the heist to stay with you, paying them triple their previous wages and giving them important roles in the management and upkeep of the fortress.

Word of your daring escapades and the construction of the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby spreads far and wide, attracting people from all walks of life. Your dream of fostering a society based on cooperation and harmony among mixed races begins to take root, as more and more individuals flock to your cause.

Under your guidance, Clumsyford and its surroundings transform into a thriving, diverse empire, a shining beacon of hope in a world often plagued by conflict and prejudice.

What would you like to do next?

1. Plan a grand opening ceremony for the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby, inviting dignitaries and adventurers from across the realm.
2. Focus on expanding your empire's territories by forming alliances, conquering rival factions, or establishing new settlements.
3. Embark on a new adventure, using your fortress as a base

Spend an exorbitant amount to find the greatest trainers in the land. Upgrade our kobold army and dragon companion into an unparalleled fighting force. Hire a mage to make everyone near immortal and train for years for the next big heist.

Determined to make your team an unparalleled fighting force, you spare no expense in seeking out the greatest trainers in the land. You hire skilled combat instructors, seasoned strategists, and powerful mages to shape your kobold army and dragon companion into formidable warriors.

As your forces train and hone their skills, you contract a powerful mage to research a spell that could grant your team a form of near immortality, ensuring your longevity and success in future endeavors.

Years pass, and your team's reputation as a legendary fighting force grows. You continue to plan the next big heist, aiming to make it even grander and more audacious than the last. The realm speaks of your crew in hushed whispers, a group of extraordinary individuals who have defied the odds and reshaped the world.

As you prepare to embark on your next daring adventure, what would you like to do?

1. Target the kingdom's most secure vault, said to house a legendary artifact of immense power.
2. Infiltrate the stronghold of an evil warlord, liberating the subjugated people and claiming their vast wealth.
3. Uncover the hidden tomb of an ancient ruler, rumored to be filled with unimaginable riches and deadly traps.
4. Take on a breathtaking heist that spans multiple dimensions, challenging the very fabric of reality itself.

Challenge reality in a heist that spans dimensions and time in an attempt to steal a source of limitless power and a dagger that let's you see everyone naked

Excited by the prospect of a heist that defies conventional understanding, you set your sights on a challenge that spans dimensions and time itself. You've heard rumors of a source of limitless power, an artifact so potent that it can reshape the very fabric of existence, and a dagger that grants its wielder the bizarre ability to see everyone naked – a trivial yet intriguing bonus.

With your well-trained kobold army, your formidable dragon companion, and your own cunning and determination, you embark on a mind-bending adventure that will test the limits of your ingenuity and courage.

Your journey takes you through alternate realities, surreal landscapes, and temporal rifts, as you chase after the elusive artifacts. You face strange creatures and mind-warping puzzles, pushing your team's skills and resourcefulness to the brink.

As you close in on the objects of your desire, the final stretch of your heist comes into view. With your team at your back and the secrets of the multiverse within your grasp, what would you like to do next?

1. Attempt a daring and synchronized multi-dimensional theft to secure both artifacts at once.
2. Split your team, sending half to secure the limitless power source and the other half to acquire the naked-seeing dagger.
3. Create a diversion in one dimension, drawing attention away from your true objective in the other dimension.
4. Challenge the guardian of the artifacts to a high-stakes game of wits, with the prizes being the source of limitless

Synchronized go for it all

You decide that a synchronized multi-dimensional theft is the most thrilling and daring approach to secure both artifacts at once. With your courageous team by your side, you devise a plan that will push your skills and coordination to the limit.

As the moment of truth approaches, you rally your kobold army and dragon companion, sharing a final exchange of determined nods and hearty backslaps. The tension in the air is palpable, but so is the excitement – this is the heist you've been working towards for years.

With precision timing and expert coordination, your team leaps into action, simultaneously targeting both artifacts. The air is filled with a cacophony of spellcasting, the clashing of weapons, and the roars of your dragon ally, as you navigate the treacherous fabric of space and time.

Against all odds, your team manages to secure both the source of limitless power and the naked-seeing dagger. As you reunite in your own dimension, you can't help but marvel at the incredible adventure you've undertaken and the unparalleled talent of your team.

With these newly acquired artifacts in hand, your legend grows ever greater, and the possibilities for your future adventures are seemingly endless.

What would you like to do next?

1. Return to the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby and research the full potential of your newly acquired artifacts.
2. Share the story of your incredible heist with the world, further enhancing your reputation as a legendary adventurer.
3. Set off on a new adventure,

Return to the fortress. Hire the finest gnome engineers to use the power source to power all of your empire. Creating a Utopian land of infinite riches. Expand the city and your empire to be the biggest in the land. Hire an army of ninjas and train them in dark magic.

You return to the Fortress of Boom Boom Baby with your newly acquired artifacts, eager to harness their power for the good of your empire. You hire the finest gnome engineers to study the source of limitless power and find a way to use it to benefit your people.

Through the expert work of your engineers, your empire is transformed into a utopian land of infinite riches, powered by the inexhaustible energy provided by the artifact. As word of your achievements and benevolence spreads, more and more people flock to your domain, and your empire expands to become the largest and most prosperous in the land.

Not one to rest on your laurels, you continue to seek out new ways to protect and enhance your realm. Recognizing the value of a skilled and versatile defense force, you hire an army of ninjas and provide them with training in the arts of dark magic, creating an elite force that is both powerful and loyal.

With your burgeoning empire thriving under your guidance and a formidable army by your side, you stand as a beacon of hope and prosperity in a world that has seen its share of darkness.

What would you like to do next?

1. Host a grand celebration in honor of your empire's achievements and success.
2. Continue expanding your empire by strategizing diplomatic and military campaigns.
3. Seek out new challenges and adventures, ever eager to push the limits of your abilities.
4. Retire from your life of adventure, confident in the legacy you've built and the people you've

Expand my empire using my vast wealth to dominate all nearby countries with diplomacy or overwhelming force. Make it law that everyone must marry a different race to expand the gene pool

Determined to expand your empire and promote unity among all races, you decide to leverage your vast wealth and influence to bring nearby countries under your domain. Your diplomatic efforts focus on forging alliances and fostering goodwill, but when necessary, you're prepared to deploy your formidable army to assert dominance.

As new lands and peoples come under your rule, you enact a revolutionary law: everyone must marry someone of a different race to expand the gene pool and strengthen the bonds between all races. This groundbreaking policy further cements your empire's reputation as a beacon of unity and cooperation.

Over time, your empire grows into a sprawling, multicultural haven, where people of all backgrounds live, work, and thrive together. The world looks upon your realm as a shining example of what can be achieved through understanding and cooperation, and your name goes down in history as a visionary leader who changed the course of the world.

What would you like to do next?

1. Establish an institution dedicated to promoting and researching multiculturalism and interracial harmony.
2. Continue expanding your empire even further, with the goal of uniting the entire world under your progressive rule.
3. Focus on the internal development of your empire, ensuring that your citizens are well-educated and have access to the best services.
4. Take a step back from governing, trusting in the capable hands of your advisors and allies, and set off on a new adventure for personal growth.

For old times sake gather the kobolds and the dragon for a simple adventure. To beat the shit out of some owlbears and save as many orphans as we can find. Each orphan will become my child and be split equally into my will.

With fond memories of your past adventures, you gather your loyal kobold companions and your dragon ally for a simple but memorable quest: to defeat owlbears and save as many orphans as you can find.

You and your team travel through the countryside, eventually encountering a group of owlbears that have been terrorizing a nearby village. Drawing upon your years of experience and teamwork, you vanquish the menacing beasts, much to the relief of the villagers.

As you ask around about any orphans in need of help, the villagers direct you to several children who have lost their families. With each orphan you find and rescue, you formally adopt them as your own, ensuring they will have a loving home and a bright future. You also make it clear that your estate will be equally divided among them in your will.

The shared experiences with your kobolds, dragon, and newfound family only serve to strengthen the bond between you all. At the end of each day, you feel a deep sense of fulfillment and joy, knowing that you've made a lasting impact on the lives of these children.

What would you like to do next?

1. FakeDM.com = Check it Out ( Recommend The 4.0 Smart Version but Responses are SLOW )

Easter Themed Movie Sequels?

• Captain Jesus 2: The Spring Soldier
• Son of the Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
• Jesus 2: The Re-bourne Ultimatum
• 2 Christian 2 Furious
• Jesus knows what you did Last Summer
• Jesus's Twelve
• Resident Messiah: Afterlife
• Magic Jesus XXL
• Jesus-nator 2: Judgement Day
• The Roman Empire Strikes Back
• Jesus & Judas's Bogus Journey
• Jesus Up 2: The Streets
• A Very Christian Sequel
• Jesus: First Blood Part 2
• Jesus Act 2: Back in the Habit
• Teenage Christian Ninja Bunnies: The Secret of the Egg
• Live Free or Worship Hard
• Christian Slickers 2: The Legend of Curlys Gold
• The Always Ending Story II: The Next Chapter
• Pray Hard - With a Vengeance
• Jesus Jones and the Promised Kingdom of the Crystal Skull
• Rise of the Planet of the Meek
• Okay I'm spent...

I'm a fan of coffee, we all know this. What you don't know is that I have imbibed the "Brown Juice of Justice" as i call it in order to transcend all mortal boundaries and feel my way clumsily through the NeverVerse (patent pending) to a rapid, pants-pissingly accelerated enlightenment. Sure, we could hypothesize all day that maybe I'm just sensitive to caffeine. OR MAYBE I AM CHOSEN BY THE GODS BENEATH TO BREATHE PRISMATIC ESPRESSO FIRE AT YOUR SOULS. It really could be either one.All I know is that above a certain coffee-based speed, time slows down, and beyond the beyond, lies the reverse. When the sum of all observable matter collapses around you in a flash and matter is pulled inward to an inevitable beginning; There lies the dormant cells of the universe that came before in a reality based on what some would call "Spooky stuff" or "The world of Dragons" Dragons are bitching, they should have a whole universe of lizard people that breathe fire. But they pay taxes and drive silly cars and go to plays about wingless pink skinned worm people who punch the sun.I'm fairly certain that I can peel back the film of reality like the screen cover on your phone and find out that in fact, yes, we can scratch at our perceptions beneath (and this reality is filthy). Leaving rifts in time and space that pour out dirty jokes and pop music from the veil of souls. I'm off topic though. What I wanted to say is that I got a new coffeemaker and that shit is fire. Love you all, you're nothing but atoms. Peace.

COFFEE: As I drank a cappuccino too quickly today I felt my mind fly ever-deeper into the void. Past the microscopic, the sub-atomic, the quantum-theoretical. Beyond infinitive where non-euclidean geometry forms. Where brain weasels reign supreme from thrones made of frosted glass and old homework from the 5th grade that nobody ever bothered to read. Where Tamagotchi go when they die again.

Hence all decisions and a total lack thereof became one and the same and everything I could and would accomplish in the span of a relative time stream became the ultimate and complete lack of any relevant product or result. Meaning that by doing nothing I was doing everything.As I sat and pondered this I thought of a snippet of poetry, a clever version of chess, a passive aggressive greeting that will really show that guy by the water cooler he's not amusing, a hilarious and offensive innuendo that ended up being a triple entendre, and what an inside-out origami monster would look like. After the quick glance at the clock I realized that 0.0005 seconds had passed, the cup is still in my hands, the coffee on it's way to my mouth, the liquid sloshing inevitably toward my psyche.

I am the light fantastic. I am the technicolor dreamcoat. I am the jester of the kingdom at the end of the universe and I smell like cinnamon forever from this day forth. I have decided. My will be done. It is so.#TooMuchCaffeine

I used to work at a retail job a long time ago, and when I would walk in every day a certain manager would always cheerily say “Hey how are you!?” And for months I would always say “Oh good thanks, I’m fine, doing fine” etc. He would quickly step over my comments and say things “Great! Good good” and it became apparent very quickly he wasn’t listening...One day I decided that I would say the things I was thinking but match his cheerful tone. So for months I would come in and the exchange would be something like this —Him: “Hey how are you today!?” *Super cheerful*Me: “I’m a cog in a corporate machine and sometimes I think I’m not real!” *uber cheerful*Him “Great! Awesome"Me: ...The thing was, the TONE was all that mattered and not only did he NEVER notice the content of what it was I said, he actually commented several times on my “positive attitude”.Here are some other highlights of things I shouted cheerfully across a store to a manager -Him:  “Hey how are you today!?”Me:

• “I feel like a drone in an army of bees!”
• “I woke up wondering if this is hell!”
• “I am so hungover I think I jumped a curb today!”
• “I feel empty and my life is hollow!”
• “I dread every day here like the plague!”
• “I had 12 nightmares about spiders!”
• “I’m speaking in a cheerful tone so you can’t see my pain!”

The moral here is two things:1. It’s not what you say it’s how you say it2. Never ask me about anything in the mornings.

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Going down the rabbit hole of WikiHow's 'Random Article' button can be a productive experience. You can pick up some desert island skills. You can also learn some things that will make other people stare at you blankly. Whatever I'm practically on the spectrum anyway you assholes. Here's some recent highlights.

How to Make Jolly Ranchers

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Jolly-RanchersFuck you I like em

How to "Say No" to Teenage Sex

http://www.wikihow.com/Say-No-to-Teenage-SexI didn't find this one useful

How to Look like a Princess

http://www.wikihow.com/Look-Like-a-Princess...Maybe if I had gotten this one first though.

How to Treat a Wound Created by an Impaled Object

http://www.wikihow.com/Treat-a-Wound-Created-by-an-Impaled-ObjectSo a guy walks into a bar and says, Any teenaged princesses want some jolly ranchers? You'll never BELIEVE what happened next.

How to Avoid Being Served Court Papers or Notices

http://www.wikihow.com/Avoid-Being-Served-Court-Papers-or-NoticesThe saga continues.

How to Make an Ocean Diorama for Earth Day

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-an-Ocean-Diorama-for-Earth-DayOK this one doesn't quite fit into the theme but is still a handy thing to know

How to Attract Birds

http://www.wikihow.com/Attract-Birdsfree minions

How to Identify a Gifted Child

http://www.wikihow.com/Identify-a-Gifted-Childmore free minions

How to Tell Your Parents You Want to Act

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-Your-Parents-You-Want-to-ActAlso applies to 'Dance'

How to Forgive a Cheating Husband

http://www.wikihow.com/Forgive-a-Cheating-Husbandsee 'stab wound,' aboveAnd finally the most essential skill of all

How to Tell the Difference between Essential Oil and Infused Oil

http://www.wikihow.com/Tell-the-Difference-Between-Essential-Oil-and-Infused-Oil

I dared my friend Alex "Prozac" Cohen to write an HP Lovecraft Fan Fiction story in 20 minutes and the son of a bitch did it.

Do Enjoy this dark and Lovecraftian Short story! 

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The Aberration on Holly Street

A lifetime of various trials, failures and fortuitous relationships settled me into a uniquely engrossing and well-suited career option four years ago; in my discussions with friends and family I describe myself as a chronicler of the human condition.

In truth I report and summarize incidents for an insurance broker. It is an occupation that has presented to me the frail and mercurial human condition in all its forms. In these last four years I have written on incidents that would surely disturb the minds of many. However, as an uninvolved party, I have taken careful consideration to avoid allowing these events to affect my own mind, and more importantly the work itself. As such I have grown numb to many of the horrors mankind inflicts upon itself, which I’m sure you can imagine on your own.

However, my most recent casefile has cast my put-on bravado into doubt. No longer do I carry the self-assurance of one whose only role it is to record these incidents factually and without bias. No longer do I believe that the darkness within the human spirit, which I have studiously logged, is entirely the fault of our baser instincts. Following the incident at 172 Holly Street, I will freely admit, and proclaim to the world, that there is a force pressing down upon us that drives us to these actions and that we will never fully understand. My colleagues have pleaded with me to avoid interjecting my own belief into these reports. I cast those concerns aside. I will never file another report and indeed wish to avoid all human contact for as long as my days remain. I would pray that not many days remain, and perhaps this can be attributed to the fever that has struck me upon learning more about this last incident, but I no longer am sure who might be listening to our prayers.

Perhaps this seems dramatic. There was a time not long ago I would have laughed at such assertions as well. But once you have come to learn of Adam Stevens and his role in the 172 Holly Street fire, the great hero Adam Stevens, perhaps you will come to feel as I have.

The first thing I noticed, after coming upon the scene at the dreaded address, were the balloons. Deflated, singed, and ever-present, they covered the yard with a grotesque, overwhelming smell of burnt plastic. I had often logged the aftermath of arson and each time the smell was similar – charred wood and stripped paint. However, it was evident that the comically large amount of balloons strewn across the lawn had taken the place of this familiar scent. A birthday party, luxuriously decorated and overstated to a lunatic degree, had placed them everywhere across the house. All colors and shapes, strewn across every part of the decadent front lawn, must have created a wondrous site and guaranteed a festive atmosphere. I would come to learn that they also overwhelmed the house. It is possible, and I could have discovered more if I had the stomach, that the decorations had played some part in the rapid spread of the blaze.

It is worth sharing now that the mortality rate in this incident, given all that was at risk, was low; ultimately, only Steven Adams and one child, William Abner, remain unaccounted for. The celebration was apparently attended by over 60 people, the young friends of William (who house and birthday it was) and their parents. Much of the evidence and information-gathering I presented in this report come from their accounts, gathered slowly and painstakingly after the incident, in which many remained and watched the framework of the home slowly disintegrate.

None could account for the start of the fire, or how they knew to exit the house. Too, none could recall seeing Steven Adams at or near the ruinous party beforehand. He was no neighbor, either – other evidence has confirmed he lived in a nearby town in no convenient proximity.

And yet all accounts of his heroism point to some sort of advanced knowledge of the event. The consensus viewpoint, from many of the adults present, is that while they gathered and waited outside the house for emergency services, Steven Adams bolted through the crowd and with no hesitation whatsoever sprinted directly into the burning house. It has been said even that he pushed a small child facedown into the lawn, in his haste to enter the building. Who was this man, I was asked by each of the witnesses. Indeed he was a mystery to them, and in particular Mr. and Mrs. Abner who evidently left their child behind in the house. Later evidence indicates he was relatively plain, possessing a frame that seemed almost sickly in its thin and unbalanced nature, paired with a far above average height. Multiple times, it was noted to me that he was not a graceful runner. Given the circumstances, which could favorably be describe as panic-inducing, his lankiness and urgency crated a noticeably odd running gait. As well, his cavalier treatment of the child in his path, whom he had little trouble brushing aside, was not described as a natural motion. If not for his obviously heroic intentions, it could have appeared intentional and distressing, bore the account of one witness.Regardless, Steven Adams had little trouble making his way into the building, which of course is where reliable witness ends. However, there are certain facts that we can confirm from this point forward, and while not public knowledge, they are each more disturbing than the last.

And yet all accounts of his heroism point to some sort of advanced knowledge of the event. The consensus viewpoint, from many of the adults present, is that while they gathered and waited outside the house for emergency services, Steven Adams bolted through the crowd and with no hesitation whatsoever sprinted directly into the burning house. It has been said even that he pushed a small child facedown into the lawn, in his haste to enter the building. Who was this man, I was asked by each of the witnesses. Indeed he was a mystery to them, and in particular Mr. and Mrs. Abner who evidently left their child behind in the house. Later evidence indicates he was relatively plain, possessing a frame that seemed almost sickly in its thin and unbalanced nature, paired with a far above average height. Multiple times, it was noted to me that he was not a graceful runner. Given the circumstances, which could favorably be describe as panic-inducing, his lankiness and urgency crated a noticeably odd running gait. As well, his cavalier treatment of the child in his path, whom he had little trouble brushing aside, was not described as a natural motion. If not for his obviously heroic intentions, it could have appeared intentional and distressing, bore the account of one witness.

Regardless, Steven Adams had little trouble making his way into the building, which of course is where reliable witness ends. However, there are certain facts that we can confirm from this point forward, and while not public knowledge, they are each more disturbing than the last.

The first great evil that I came upon is that after easily opening the front door of 172 Holly street, Steven Adams appears to have bolted the door behind in, preventing the intrusion of any other parties and potentially even his own escape. His motivations at this point are not clear but given that the door was found still bolted upon examination of the wreckage, his responsibility is certain.

The second item that confused me, and indeed would confuse anyone, relates to the unfortunate Mr. William Abner, very newly aged 12. His remains were found up the staircase that originated from the front entryway, and he had evidently either become wedged and partially trapped, his leg pinned down by a small piece of the ceiling. His placement upon the staircase was without question visible from the front entryway and now, unconscionably, I am forced to believe that Steven Adams could not have failed to notice the young gentlemen. And yet, his path through the house continued along the first floor, ignoring the child in dire need of an adult’s strength to escape his trappings and subsequently the blazing structure.Evidence exhumed from the home’s remains has painted a clearer path of Steven Adams path – through the first floor, through a small kitchen door and down into the home’s basement. A direct path, speaking to an advance knowledge of the house or some critical need to enter the basement. From whence the flames originated? It is difficult to confirm, but an open possibility.Who was this man, who had such knowledge of the house and such disregard for the well-being of small children? The papers and official reports count him as a good Samaritan, but at this point I could not say. I know that no report speaks of what else was found in the basement, or if it does the records have been changed. I know I hesitate greatly in scribing it even here. The answer is simple, to the extent that I must be considered mad for even elaborating upon them, but the charred remains of a humanoid statue were the only notable findings in that darkened underground dwelling. A dark, melted mass that has pooled into the earthen floor of the basement. It is impossible to say what it once resembled, but certainly nothing human, despite its relatively large standing – over five feet tall in its original form, although melted down it had taken on an elongated facsimile of a man. Stretched, melted into an obscene mockery of the human form that mirrored Steven Adams own reflection of a typical human shape. Still hot to the touch, when investigated, and seemingly still in motion, when looked at through the very edges of my vision.It was not, of course, Mr. Adams himself. He too was found in the basement, burnt as any man in his position would be. Curled over, and in fact kneeling before the icon itself, they suffered their fate together, and all while young William Adler took his last breath.iii.I have been told that I am reading too much into things. That the stress of my position has led to misinterpretations. And yet I am convinced that my reading of the day’s events is, if uninformed, not wholly inaccurate. It is my wholehearted belief that the statue in the Holly house basement in some way caused the rapid blaze with the express intent to stomp out the joyous celebration taking place above it. How, I do not know. And how it was ultimately foiled, I cannot say. But when it became clear that no great act of mayhem was to take place, Steven Adams was called somehow and made of himself an additional sacrifice.

Theory alone – but as a God-fearing man the existence of such an entity has instilled in me a sense of dread and curiosity that cannot be sated. I submit this report now standing outside the home of Steven Adams and well-equipped to make illegal entry. I do so now at the risk of myself, this is I understand and commit to! But I do as a man who must know more about the forces that compel us. That draw us in and make games of our mortal lives. I have questioned, in my preparation for this home invasion, whether I am being summoned myself, but I can pay that no mind. I must know more. And so I conclude these writings, admitting fully to all guilt, and hope to return shortly to update my findings, no matter what horrors I may stumble upon in the dead man’s home.

yeah, I think it can die

So can we all

I'm pretty sure we will

I plan on not
I’m hoping the singularity will come before I die
I need to upload my consciousness Rei, the world needs me

hey that's my goal too, but also only if my actual consciousness can be uploaded, not just a clone of it. I want it to actually be me. Not a copy and the original me dies, so they need to work that out first

I think that’s semantic, the only difference there is that you Get killed vs die naturally

yes and no, like, I want THIS ME to continue
*I* want to continue

Yeah but if it’s a perfect copy?

that's nice for the copy but this is about selfish survival instinct, a copy is basically progeny. I want literal immortality - not immortality through offspring

Let’s put it this way, if you had 1 year to live and you could copy yourself now but you would transfer to the net, your body would collapse and die. Vs You can copy yourself and your body can keep going for another year ?

No that's the thing i don't care about my body, if I could upload my mind right now. I would do it but I want it to be the *me* that I am not a copy of me with my memories - not a duplicate

A perfect copy wouldn’t be progeny, that would just be a copy. You’re not creating ‘something’ with your traits you’re copying ALL your traits, progeny by nature is not a perfect copy

do you get what I mean?
I want THIS self to survive
like... you know in The Sixth Day

I think a perfect copy would read to you as ‘this’ self
- Do you mean you’re Arnold Schwarzenegger? Or Johnny cab?

and the clone THINKS he is the original, he has all the same thoughts and memories and impulses

Well yeah, but that assumes that the clone is kept ignorant of his origin. Which honestly could be fine

but he is NOT the original, this isn't about the clone
this is about the original, as the original

What if they arranged it so they erased your memory for a week (for example) so you think you just had a car accident and woke back up in a body that doesn’t age

I want MY consciousness to continue, like, i am fine with being separated from my meat sack, as long as it is a continuation of my own consciousness, not a copy that thinks it is

Put another way, I think a ‘perfect’ copy of your consciousness bothers you because you just want to be unique and one of a kind, but I think there’s MORE immortality in having like 12 Rei’s, Personally I would have a Rei-Bot - with some general tweaks to our sex life

I don't want to be one of the Hugh Jackmans from the Prestige

that reminds me I need to watch prestige again

I have no attachment to this host, but I want to continue as myself, not to stop existing and have a different version of myself start. I am tied to the me

But literally you could NOT know
we could arrange it so you’re not aware of being a copy

no that's the point
it wouldn't be ME that wasn't aware of being a copy
it would be a copy that wouldn't be aware of being a copy

Here at fictional cloning singularity enterprises, we get this question a lot. We have a money back guarantee that if at any point you experience an existential crisis you will be refunded in total and given a free tote bag...

it's well handled in that episode of Black Mirror

It’s a really nice tote bag

there's never any question that it's them

Like leather with an embossed logo, it’s not cheap

can I get the tote bag anyway

I mean… with a trial maybe? Like we clone you up to age 15 and you can hang out with teenage Rei for a while…

I want black mirror style consciousness upload or nothing

Listen ma’am i know what you’ve seen on the holovids seems very real but I assure you it’s total flights of fancy. The act of cloning is indeed dirty and messy and imperfect, however we have this amazing tote bag. it’s not any additional cost and can easily hold a weekends worth of clothes

give me the tote bag and gtfo

I’ve actually decided that I love this tote bag, and I will likely quit my job today, even thought that means giving up my immortality, as this tote bag has inspired me to be a bolder and more courageous person

Well I was chatting with my good buddy - Joe "The Giraffe" Krol, and got to talking about our mutual love of the one and only Bill Paxton. Often considered the finest actor who ever lived on the planet. Here is my list of Completely (Un)True Facts about "The Bard" Bill Paxton (RIP)

In 1948 Bill Paxton was declared the new “Rosetta Stone” and is the conduit for which all language now travels

Bill Paxton once lifted the earth to see if there was anything underneath and found a rare Nickel with an upside down face on it.

One time during an interview a reporter asked Bill Paxton to tell him “Everything he knew” and subsequently his head immediately exploded. Bill to his credit, was only trying to accomadate the reporter and was later aquitted of all 2nd degree murder charges

It’s said in the inner circles of acting, to imitate Bill Paxton is the ultimate “Method” and such greats as Robert Dinero, Marlon Brando and Bill Paxton himself all credit Bill Paxton as their greatest inspiration

Fun Fact: Bill Paxton actually played the metallic suit worn by Robert Downey Jr. in “Iron Man 1 & 2” Part 3’s suit was played by Amy Adams and a modified ice cooler.

Once on the set of Blue Lagoon, which Bill Paxton did not appear in, a Key Grip asked Bill Paxton for some advice on how to teach his kids to read. Bill Paxton proceeded to quote the entire bible from cover to cover and the Key Grips children learned to read that very night. Their names were changed to “Bill” and “Paxton” respectively out of admiration.

During a high stakes poker game, Bill Paxton bet the “Future of Human Race” and won with a straight flush, forcing the Devil ever deeper into hell.

There’s a rumor going around that Bill Paxton will play every role in a new version of Lord of the Rings that takes place in New Jersey and has twice the budget of the original Jackson version.

it's a little known fact that Bill Pullman is actually a failed Bill Paxton cloning experiment perpetrated by the North Korean shadow government. Pullman believes himself to be Paxton under cover. They have never worked together due to Pullman's fear of the truth.

Fun fact!! Bill Paxton is a actually a full functioning automaton created by Leonardo DaVinci in an underground layer in Atlantis. The sole purpose of the "B il Pax tune" or the "second end of peace then" was to be a shell for a philosophers stone in which lead was turned to gold to destabilize the world's precious metal market.

I have an ongoing theory with Joe Krol that the movie Titanic is basically a story about torturing Bill Paxton by telling him a meandering 9 hour story about losing a girls virginity followed by throwing the culmination of his life's work into the ocean in a romantic gesture / fuck-you to Bill. Long story short?Rose is a terrible person who banged Jack, Stole a Priceless Jewel, refused to share a door that could have supported 3 people and let him freeze to death while she sat and watched, only to later ruin Bill Paxton's life as well.#TossTheJewel #2PeoplePerDoor #PaxtonHate

So usually I have one cup of coffee in the mornings and this weekend I only had coffee once. Then today like a genius I had a tall red bull.

My heart is a fire engine that can shoot ironic fire. I want to bench-press Batman who is bench-pressing a lion that’s loaded with gold because we’re riding that bitch to El Dorado Motherfuckers. To put the. gold. back.

My eyes can see through my eyelids and I can tell when you’re lying at 30 paces. I can type so fast I’m melting keyboards and the whole internet feels like dial-up. I just learned and forgot Japanese for the sole purpose of writing a meme to a cat who I built out of molecules. Also I can move molecules.

My brain feels like it’s full of joyous ants who are each riding bee’s into an spastic orgy of ideas. I have 9 senses and 3 of them are geared toward thinking about writing a novel about writing novels that’s geared toward illiterate ghosts.I want to chase bullets and phase through matter. This isn’t a coffee post. This is a red bull post. You’re a red bull. All is red. I’m a bull. THIS BULL IS A DEMON AND I WILL DEFEAT IT. Why are hummingbirds so slow!?

Was getting over a cold/cough last week that was dragging me down. So I stopped drinking coffee and just focused on getting better for a while. So I got back to work today and picked up my first cup of coffee in a week.WIZARDJUICE:: I can see light travel from one point to another. I can read the minds of office equipment and my stapler hates white people and staples, which is ironic. I can sense minute changes in air pressure from mosquitos that aren’t born yet. I am currently phase-shifting through various dimensions and each one is way more purple than the last. I feel like I could throw a giraffe through a Ford Escalade or vice-versa. My mind is currently planning it’s next 90 chess moves on an imaginary game with an AI it’s also developing in concurrent tandem. I can smell time passing…(( I missed you coffee ))

Me: Hey Coffee, I don’t ever want to take you for granted.‍

Coffee: …

‍Me: Well every time you burn my mouth, it reminds me that I have to cherish you, or it will hurt like hell.

‍Coffee: …

‍Me: I guess relationships are like that in general, what’s the allegory here for the burning? Like fights? Do we fight in my mouth every morning?

‍Coffee: … *drip*

‍Me: Yes, Yes I’m being silly and filthy-minded. That’s my jam. But maybe the fights or the difficult times help us appreciate the better times?

‍Coffee: …

‍Me: God, you’re so wise… and hot.

‍Coffee: ….

Coffee Level: 10/12I had extra strong coffee with a shot of espresso. I think i can squat thrust a fighter jet full of wolves. I just invented a new form of math, proved that it can’t exist and then turned it into a color nobody has seen before.I can feel the emotions of trees and teach them to love lumberjacks. I am currently levitating about 3 inches off of my chair and typing with the wind-force of my eyelids.

I am coffee reborn. All is hot and brown. The fabric of reality is my hand puppet and I am currently moving at Warp 10 (which is nowhere at all).‪#‎coffeelife‬ ‪#‎abittoofar‬ ‪#‎caffeinatedasfuck‬